Boundary Up!
Speaker 0: Welcome to Takeout Therapy. I'm Rebecca Hunter, a therapist who knows their physics expensive and believes that mental health education should be free. Stick with me for the next few minutes and you'll learn something that will help you think about things differently. Or manage things better for yourself. This podcast is authentic, unedited, and without a bunch of ads, always All I ask is that you pass it along.
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I hope this podcast find you find you somewhere sunny. That is what I hope for you. This Oregon girl wishing. Sun on anyone that can find it as the winter drags on. I thought it might be fun to have a conversation that I think is getting really, really, really important.
It keeps getting put in front of me in the form of my clients or people in my classes or people that I interact with saying, why have I never understood boundaries before this? Yeah. That's why I do this podcast, my friend, and that is why I teach classes and that is why I'm starting a mental health maintenance club because we are so under educated about mental health. And when I say mental health, I don't love that terminology anymore. It's been so overused.
What I mean by it is like, you know, our emotional development. Our ability to be kind of free in our behaviors and our thinking and our way of being and to be able to be in a really nice relationship ship with ourselves is what I mean by mental health. And boundaries are a big part of that. I've heard on any number of occasions, like, I can't believe this isn't taught, and I can't believe this is the first time I'm learning this in therapy. And I don't want that for you.
I don't want the first time that you learn about how to set boundaries to be in therapy. That's not how it has to go. So I hope this provides you with a little bit of information about what our boundaries And how in the heck do you set them? So a lot of people think boundaries are different than they are. And I just want to speak to that before I get into this because a lot of people think that boundaries is actually giving instructions to other people about what behavior is okay with us and what's not okay with us.
And I just wanna let you know, I'm super sorry, but that is not what boundaries are. Boundaries are not our way of controlling other people's behavior. That's impossible. And if you're anything like me, you've already tried that, and it's a fail. If we could do that, we'd both be millionaires.
So boundaries are actually really for you to decide how you're going to deal with certain things that come up in your life. And really, the place where we can get information about boundaries that might need to be set for us and around us, by us, is to kind of examine your interactions with other people. And the places where you feel like kind of resentful and the places where you notice that you're doing a lot of blaming. This is a really good place to kind of start to poke in there and go, what do I have control over and what do I not have control over. And where's the line in the sand?
Like, what's okay with me in this situation? Or what's not okay with me? Okay. And so once you kind of do that piece of work, which I'll just tell you, takes a little time it might even take a little bit of journaling or a nice walk in nature because it's hard to figure out what's happening for us in situations. It's hard to stop thinking about how annoying other people are.
Right? Because they are and start to think about, like, well, what can I do about that? If I am free, If I'm okay to move about the cabin freely, the world freely, right, just a little airplane joke there, if I'm really free to do as I wanna do because it's my life and I'm a sovereign being, then what do I need to do for yourself? So some examples that I came up with are like, it's kinda hard for people when they're not the drinkers and their partner is a big drinker. And so that's an area that comes up a ton in the therapy office.
And in my classes, both because it just happens. We have different ways of dealing with life. We have different ideas about alcohol use, and I think it can be an area where a lot of resentment builds and a lot of anger and a lot of not knowing how to set boundaries. So if you if that is your situation, maybe this will be helpful for you. Right?
Like having friends that are kind of flaky, When you start to get resentful, right, when you start to be like, what the heck? What is up with people? If you're in a relationship with somebody who's like, kinda controlling. I could so go off on a tangent there, but I won't. Boundaries are necessary to say, this is okay with me, and this is not gonna work for me at all.
Because here's the deal, like, we're in these relationships, but most of them are chosen. Most of them, if if people aren't kind of a good fit for us. They're just not a good fit for us. And sometimes it's time to move on. But setting boundaries is always a great thing to try before that.
Like, I see a lot of people who are burned out at their jobs, but, like, they don't really know how to set boundaries. And so they're just gonna go to the next job and do the same thing. And so I'm like, well, just hang out in this job for a minute and learn to set boundaries and then move to the next job. And that'll be way more fun. So in any situation, whatever it might be, maybe it's like creating boundaries for your own behavior.
What's okay with you? What's not okay with you? I don't know if you know this or not, but, like, everybody's addicted to their cell phones. Can we just be really clear on that? Maybe I should do an episode.
Get in touch with me. If you wanna hear more about that, But right, everybody is just sort of on their cell phone a lot. And so maybe you know that that's part of what you have going on. It also causes some mental health discrepancies. I will say, like, If you wanna be anxious, keep on scrolling.
If you wanna be depressed, keep on comparing. It's just a cesspool. Of okay. I won't go on with that. I'm just saying, like, if you're trying to separate out from your phone, then boundarying up around your own behavior about that is such a good plan.
And it's also really good for your relationship with yourself to have boundaries because then, like, you're somebody that you know has your back. That's what boundaries can do for us. They can really solidify our empowerment in our lives in our relationship with ourself. I highly recommend setting boundaries. And so here's how you do it.
You basically figure out what the heck's going on that's getting that's feeling itchy. That you're just like, this is not okay with me. Right? Let's just use the simple example of checking your phone all the time. Okay?
Let's just use that because I think that's something that we all deal with. So if you decide, okay, Like, I'm I need to not be doing this all the time. Then, decide what your boundary is very specific quickly. So if it's checking your phone, how many times a day do you think is reasonable? And how do you create that boundary?
If it's like you have a very flaky friend, it's basically like, what's your boundary? Right? What specific behavior is kinda getting on your nerves? Getting under your skin, as they say? And then that's where you need to set the boundary.
That's what I'm trying to say. So it's like, how do you want it? The next step is like, how do you want to handle behavior from now on. And so if it's like you're kind of trying to reduce your picking up your phone and using whatever, right, Specifically, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to stop scrolling?
Okay. How do you handle that behavior from now on? Do download one of those apps that doesn't let you. Do you get rid of the apps altogether? Right?
Do you I mean, somehow there has to be, like, a thing called a boundary. And when I mean it like that, it's, like, once we hit the boundary, we know what the boundary is. So if you have that flaky friend, how are you gonna handle that behavior? This is just a conversation you're having with yourself right now, and you're just gonna say, like, okay, well, I'm just not I don't wanna wait around. And so I'm gonna just give her, like, fifteen minutes, and then I'm out.
I'm gonna go find something else to do. And if it happens a few more times, like, I I just am not gonna make plans with her. Right? That's a boundary. That literally has nothing to do with her.
Right? And so okay. So I'll go back to the more difficult ample of the drinking partner. Right? The the the person who drinks more than you do that you all spend a lot of time with and it kind of drives you bananas.
How are you going to? What is your boundary? Right? Like, what do you notice? Is it like when you get more than like three drinks in, you're really actually not that fun to be out.
And I'm saying this again, just to myself. Right? This is the conversation. Decide where the boundary is. What specific behavior?
And then how do you wanna handle it from now on to that one? A little more difficult. Right? But I think this is one of those classic situations where we're like, this is what I need you to do. This is my boundary.
This is what this is how I'm gonna tell you how to behave. And it never works. It never never never works. It causes a lot of relationship, eanomosity. It causes a lot of separation, disconnection, So this is a better way because all you're really saying to somebody is, hey, so this behavior it's just not my favorite.
Or maybe you're saying, like, it's not okay with me. Right? Like, I don't want you to make plans with me then flake or maybe you're saying like, I don't like watching you drink so much. Or I don't like how I feel when I use that phone so much. And so what I'm gonna do is Right?
And then you and then you just draw that line in the sand. And with maybe the drinking, it would be like, so I'm like not gonna hang out with you after a certain point. And and and then the next step in a boundary setting process. So what we've done so far is we've identified what the specific behavior is that you need to set a boundary around and deciding, like, where the boundary kind of goes. And then how what the boundary is gonna be?
Like, how do you plan to handle the behavior from now on? And guess what? Now it's time for the next step, which is communication, especially when you're dealing with somebody else, but also when you're dealing with yourself. And so we have to be able to talk about what our boundary is. When we set new boundaries with people, and then we don't tell them what the boundary is, and then we start feeling disconnect did from them.
There's a whole thing happening that they don't know is happening. And so we have to be able to have those difficult conversations. And so we have to be able to communicate. And this isn't the conversation where it says, right, it's it's not Well, and I'll say, like, if we're just starting to set boundaries with somebody, this conversation isn't about changing their behavior. It's really about telling them how our behavior is gonna change.
So listen, this is an example. I'm gonna model. I'm gonna model it for you. You're welcome. So listen, the last couple of times we've made plans together, you have had other things come up at the last minute, and I totally understand that that happened.
But I wanna let you know that in the future, if you're like fifteen minutes behind, I'm not gonna wait for you anymore. Because I really value my time. And what I'd really like is a heads up. But either way, what I'm gonna do is I'm just not gonna wait around after about fifteen minutes. And so I wanted to let you know so that we don't have any more misunderstandings.
Boom shock alaka. Right? I'm not saying this is what I needed to do. Stop being so flaky. Get your shit together.
No. I'm not saying that. I'm saying this is what I'm gonna do in response to what you have going on. Do I need to go into because this is how this makes me feel, blah blah blah blah. Hey man, you can decide if you want to spend your time that way.
You can decide if the people that you're in relationship deserve to hear all that or perhaps they don't need that much information. You know what I'm saying? But it's really important that you communicate your boundaries. And so saying to yourself. Right?
This behavior is not good for you. And so what's gonna happen is that we're gonna get rid of the apps and we're gonna set up this stuff on our laptop as well to prevent going to these social media sites if that social media is a thing. Maybe you're just trying to pick it up less. Right? Is what's gonna happen is if I notice that I'm overusing the phone, I'm gonna go and lock it up for an hour.
That's what I'm gonna do. Because I really wanna fix this situation where my brain thinks I need to pick up this machine. It's important to me. And so I'm gonna just use some firm brain discipline right now. That's a boundary.
Right? That's how we set boundaries. And it's really important to communicate. And so, and then I wanna just remind you after you exercise all these steps, it may not be well received. And you already know that because that's why we don't set boundaries because people hate boundaries.
Right? But remember that people don't like boundaries that are set to control their behavior. And so I think that like, in the example that I'm using about your partner, like, somebody that you love or somebody that you hang out with a lot drinking more than you do and then, like, kinda gets on your nerves. What I'll say is, like, this is a whole deal trying to get somebody who's over drinking to change their behavior, and it's a fruitless act. Is what I'll say.
Especially when done in the dark of night, when you're when we're trying to do things, but we're not saying what we're doing. And so upfront communication is really important. It's really important in a relationship to say, hey, so I'm not comfortable with the level of drinking. I don't really wanna be around it. And so when I when it looks like you're going down that rabbit hole, which I do feel is rabbit hole and that is my right, And it's like, I'm not trying to change your behavior.
I'm not gonna be around it. So I'm just gonna go do my own thing. And that's a conversation, and that's your right, and that's a good way to set a boundary. Because basically, the this situation is just triggering for you, whatever it is, right? It's just triggering for you or you know it's not good for you in some way.
And all you're doing is exercising the right to self regulation to trigger maintenance. That's what we're doing by setting boundaries. So I'll use one last example and say, like, if you're an over worker, If you're somebody who's got resentment towards your employer because you feel like you're working more than you're getting credit for. Take a look at that, figure out what is it exactly? Is it that you're expected to do more work than you're paid for?
Or is it that you don't know how to set a boundary right there. And just say, listen, I'm not gonna be overworking anymore. And I think a lot of us get into this thing and whether it's with our self or whether it's with our employer or whether it's with our partner or our friends or our kids. Setting boundaries is a great way to teach people to be in relationship with you. So go out there and practice setting boundaries and do it in a way that your taking responsibility for participating in relationships in the way you want to be participating.
I'll be right here with you doing the work, set in the boundaries. I'll see you soon. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. The goal of this project is really to provide mental health education to everyone who needs it.
So if you want to help me with that, forward an episode to a friend or write a kind review, pleats. And if you like my style and you're ready to dig in, do some work with me. Come join the club at takeout therapy dot com, where I'm now hosting a monthly mental health maintenance club. I also do classes, groups, and one on one coaching and therapy. It's time for a change.
Are you ready?
