Thanks for listening to Take Out Therapy, a podcast for people who are trying to be their best selves, but maybe need a little more information about it all. I'm Rebecca Hunter, a therapist and anxiety specialist, doling out the information, latest research, and of course, a little advice here and there. If you've got less than 20 minutes and a good sense of humor, you will find this discussion helpful.
This isn't therapy, it's self-help at its finest. Let's get to work. Hello, my friends.
Thanks so much for stopping by today. I hope that today's episode will be helpful for you. If there is an area of your life that you're kind of just shaking your head at right now and going, this is not really going as planned, I would like to help you regroup and come back to things in a wholly different way than you're going at them right now.
Because the alternative is that you just give up, right? And so I kind of want to talk to you about how you can use some strategies to assess any situation, really, and figure out if you want to keep going or if you want to stop and go in a different direction. But also, if you want to keep going, then how not to keep banging your head against a wall and going in the same direction that you're going in. So that's my goal for today, and I hope this episode is helpful.
So you know, life doesn't always go as planned, right? Life doesn't agree with our goals. Life doesn't care what our big scheme for success and happiness is. Life just plugs along at its own pace, and that's annoying, wouldn't you agree? Because what happens is that we end up in these situations that we're kind of scratching our head and going, what are we doing here? What am I doing here? Maybe it's a job, maybe it's a relationship.
If you're an entrepreneur, hello, I see you. I'm currently doing a major regroup in my online business because it's not going in the direction that I want it to go in, and I am not giving up. I don't know if you guys know this, but I specialize in helping entrepreneurs deal with anxiety.
It's very anxiety-producing starting and running a successful business, and people have to do a lot of really hard new things in order to be successful, and those things aren't easy, and when you have anxiety, it really gets in the way of people's success. So what I'm doing is I'm trying to help as many people with anxiety as I possibly can in the only way I know how. So I've created this beautiful online course.
It's called Back to Calm for people that need help with anxiety so that they can reach their goals and they can be successful, but frankly, it's really hard because I'm a therapist. I'm not particularly skilled at like copywriting or web design or software management, and frankly, I hate spreadsheets, so I could very easily go, you know what, this is a silly idea, even though I have a brilliant, very impactful online course that has a lot of people that have taken it, I want to help more people, right? So maybe you're relating to me. Maybe you also have a business that you're kind of banging your head against the wall a little bit and going like, I want this to pop.
I want it to happen, and it's not happening. It would be easy to give up, to be honest, except for like the whole emotional impact part of things. Same with a relationship, right? When you're beating your head against the wall trying to make a relationship work and it's just not, it seems so much easier to give up, but then once we think about that, we're like, no, no, no, because this is what I want.
I want a partnership. I want to have my person, and I love this person. I love this business, right? I love my work.
Giving up isn't always the easier choice, so before you do that, understand that it's not a two-choice situation. It's not like go at it this way or be done with it. There's a middle ground, and today I'm hoping to help you find that middle ground because here's the deal.
I want you to understand that in every moment of your life, you have a choice, so if you're having a situation in your life that just feels really stubborn and stuck, let me help you regroup, so the first thing you do when you get to this point where you're kind of trying to figure out should I keep going or not, I will encourage you to just take time off, take time away from whatever the situation is. I don't care if it's a relationship or a job or a little business that you're trying to get off the ground. If it's not going well, it's not going well, and we lose perspective, right? We are in the situation so deep that we cannot see our way to success, to the fruition of our dream because we're too far in it, so step away, my friend.
Does that mean like go away for the weekend? Yes. Does it mean putting your podcast on hold for a hot second so you can get some space and some clarity? Yes. Does it mean, right? Does it mean just like taking a break from engaging with the situation for a little while? Yes, it does.
That will provide you with some clarity of mind so that you can do a better assessment when you're not completely in the weeds with something. Do you know what that means, in the weeds? It's an old expression that we used to use when I was waiting tables, and it basically means somebody at table five needs ranch, and there's no way in hell you're going to get it to them. That's what it means to be in the weeds.
It means you have three kids who all want something, and someone's going to be unhappy, and you're running a million miles an hour, and you're still not going to be able to get it all done. That's what that means. Anyways, when we take time off, then we get ourselves kind of out of things, and frankly, the nervous system can come back to being regulated, and our brain can function fully again.
We can think more critically. We can make decisions more functionally. There's so much that can happen for us, but what really happens when we take time away from a situation is we start to understand our own part in it.
You really want to, while you're taking time away, do an assessment of what is not working. What I'll say is in every situation, and I find this a lot in the therapy offices, when we start to assess what's not working, a lot of people focus on the other person. If there's other people involved, well, my business partner did this, or my customers aren't the right fit, or I just don't understand why people aren't coming in.
We need to be self-focused. When we're doing any kind of assessment and trying to gain insight about anything, looking at another person for answers is never effective, okay? So always be focused on yourself. What are you doing in this scenario, in this setup, whatever it is, that's not working, okay? So what I found in my online course, when I took some time away from that part of my business, I realized that I was really being unorganized.
I was really being pretty unfocused. My calendar wasn't really reserving any time to work in the business, and so it really felt quite frantic all of the time, okay? So assessing what's not working and being self-focused in that regard will really help you get some clarity about what you're doing that's not working, okay? Then you can kind of look outside yourself, right? So for me, I also needed to assess what isn't working in terms of my customers, right? And so one of the things that I came to an understanding of is the way that I was running my members group wasn't really helpful to people, and so I completely switched up the way I do that. The people that were in the course and not really making any progress, they needed something from me, but I wasn't sure what it was.
And so that's something that now I can go to my customer and ask them, like, okay, well, what would be helpful for you in this process? So not making contact isn't working. So do you see kind of how, like, I take it from the me lens first and then widen the lens and look outward? Does that make sense? Like, if it's a job, for example, that's not working, what are you doing that's not impactful or effective within that job? Like, what's not working for you? And then what about the job and the environment is not working for you? Okay. And so once you figure that out, then assess what is working.
What are you doing that you feel really happy about and successful with and stoked on, right? Like, what skills do you have? Maybe you have this willingness to learn. If I had to look at my own online business, I would say a lot of what I'm doing absolutely is working. Like, I'm a very authentic person.
So that's working really nicely in order to help people understand who I am and what I'm providing and what they're going to be able to get from me. I have a high degree of willingness to learn. And so I think that's really working.
Because even though I don't maybe have all the skills that are needed in order to reach a higher level in my business, I sure am willing to learn. So it's important to both assess what's not working and what is working in any situation. So then the next thing you want to do is think about what can you let go of, right? What things can you let go of? Or what things are you trying to control that aren't under your control? What things are you trying to achieve that are not even directly attributed to you, right? So are they things that need to get delegated? Like, for example, I'll go back to relationship.
If you're in a relationship and things aren't working out, what do you need to let go of or delegate? Maybe you're trying to communicate in the same exact way that you always have. And maybe when you do your assessment of what's not working, you realize, like, my communication skills aren't working. Okay, so you're going to want to let go of your communication skills and try to learn some new ones.
You're going to want to delegate that out to maybe like reading a book or talking to a therapist or, right, doing a little program to learn effective communication skills in relationships. The things that I've assessed in my own business that I need to let go of is the technology piece. I've got to let go of doing my own copywriting.
I have to let go of doing my own website design, for example. I need to delegate those things out. If I continue to try to pound away at learning to be a web designer, it's going to be real hard for me to be successful in my online course business, right? So once you figure out what you need to ditch because it's not working, then you can start to look at your strengths.
What are you really good at? What do you know you're doing that's working based on feedback or validation that you're getting from yourself or an outside source, right? What do you know you're good at? What can you build? How do I want to say this? Like, can you build on what you know you need and desire within any situation? Here's my example on that. It's like, I really want to help as many people heal anxiety as possible. I'm really smart about helping people to heal their anxiety.
And so I can build on those things, right? I can build on the fact that I am not interested in giving up because I am determined to make a difference. I am a good communicator. I am good at explaining concepts around anxiety.
I really feel like I'm a strong teacher. And so I can build on those things. If I let go of the things that aren't working for me, and I build on the things that do work for me and that are going really well, I'm good to go, my friend.
Here's a couple tips as you go through this process. Perfection? Oh, friend, can we just ditch perfection? There's no such thing as doing it right, okay? It's all super sloppy, this life. And if you're willing to do it flawfully, then you're going to be great.
But when you're trying to be perfect, or you want things to be this very specific way that they're not, you're going to get stuck. So try to be cognitively, like, try to be flexible with your thinking and your ideas about what success in any situation looks like. Perfection, it has to go out the window.
We can't be successful when we're criticizing ourselves either. So that's got to go too. When we're trying to, you know, get to where we want to go with any situation, whether it's job or relationship or a little business, self-criticism is always going to work against us.
Because basically, it's like on the outside, we're our own cheerleader, but on the inside, we don't believe in ourselves. That's not going to work to have a healthy relationship. It's not going to work to make you happy at your job or to build a little business.
It's just not sustainable. So you need to stop criticizing yourself and working towards perfection. You know, what would be good and what will be really helpful for me and you, my friend, is a little bit of patience with yourself, with other people, with the learning process.
Success doesn't happen overnight in relationships, in parenting, or in careers. It takes time to develop anything in life. And so can you see every step as a step forward, whether it feels like a step forward or not? That's what patience is all about.
And the other thing is like, we really need to get empowered because I think that we get really down on ourselves and we feel like all this stuff is happening to us and we're not in control of anything. And that's a hard place to regroup from. And so I think there's a piece in there about like, where do you get your empowerment from? Where is your empowerment today that was with you when you met the person that you were in relationship with and thought you were perfectly capable of coming to the table wholeheartedly? Right? Or where is the empowerment that you had when you nailed the job interview and got the job? You know, somebody should feel lucky to have you working for them, my friend.
And so if they don't, you got to find your empowerment right there or you're going to get pretty beat up. Does that make sense? So my own empowerment was missing for a while. I felt pretty like this thing is just not going to fly.
And therefore there's something like kind of wrong with me, quote unquote. And that is entirely not the truth. I help people heal their anxiety all the time.
Selling something online is a whole other ballgame, right? And so remember that deep buried beneath the surface of your expectations and your missed opportunities and your mistakes and your failures, there is your empowerment. And if you can make contact with the part of you that remembers why are you wanting this relationship or this job in the first place, that's where you can sort of find yourself again and once you feel like, yeah, I still really want to do this thing. Or I do really want to have a good life with a job that I want to get out of bed in the morning and go to.
I want to have a business that is able to help people and make an impact on the world. I want to finish this project or this relationship in a wholehearted or quote unquote successful way. Once you get your own sense of empowerment back, then you're ready to begin again, my friend.
And therein lies the regroup. So the steps were like take time off, take a little break break from whatever the situation is that's causing you angst and making you feel stuck. Do an assessment of what's both not working and working.
Then start letting go of things that are not working and build on what is working. Build on your strengths and your desire for your life and your needs and your own knowing. Ditch perfectionism.
Ditch self-criticism. Be patient and stay empowered. And I promise you, my friend, it'll all work out exactly like it's supposed to.
But here's the catch. Sometimes things don't work out exactly like we want them to. And that's something that we have to deal with too.
And so these tips or these whatever this little framework I just gave you, this can help you to also like kind of recover and start anew with maybe something different, maybe a new job, maybe a new relationship. Maybe you just head in a different direction in your life altogether. You can do that.
It's a choice. Every single moment of your life is a choice. I hope this episode was helpful for you.
I'll see you soon. Thanks for listening. Just a second, listeners.
For those of you who know someone who struggles with anxiety, I want to remind you that I specialize in anxiety and I might be able to help. I've been helping high-functioning but very anxious people for a long time. You can fake completely normal in your life, but inside it's a whole other story, honey.
I know. It's exhausting and not sustainable at all. It only gets worse.
Are you ready for some change? I'd like to invite you to a self-help solution. Back to Calm is my three-week online course to guide you gently through the process of getting back to a way better place in your life without the anxiety. Find out if this program feels right for you at rebeccahuntermsw.com. Okay, I hope you found today's episode helpful.
Here's the deal. I'd like to get rid of some of the stigma around mental health, and this is how I'm doing it. You can join me by leaving a review, sending an episode along to a struggling friend, or even subscribing.
Any of those choices would be so exciting, my friend, because then you and I, we would be helping more people. Let's do that. If you want to work with me, visit me at rebeccahuntermsw.com, and you can see all the fun things I'm up to.
Don't forget, I'm an anxiety specialist, so if that's your jam, it's my jam too. Way to show up today.
