You're listening to Take Out Therapy with your host, Rebecca Hunter. If you're into personal growth and fascinated by the human condition like I am, stick with me. In the next few minutes, I'll break down a common personal growth topic and give you some straightforward ideas for change.
I'm a private practice therapist and online mental health educator, so I see a lot of popular topics both in and out of the therapy office that we all struggle with. I'm here to help with that. This podcast is not a substitute for therapy, but rather the musings of a therapist and an opportunity for information and a little bit of help.
Okay, let's get to work. Hello, friend. Thank you so much for spending a few minutes with me today as we explore a difficult but necessary topic.
Today I want to talk about the abuse word. Sometimes people come into therapy and they're in relationships in which there's kind of a big question mark about whether their partner's behavior is abusive or not. Frankly, sometimes people come into therapy and they're wondering if they are being abusive or not.
So let me break it down for you. You know, every day abuse happens. And I'm not talking about physical violence today.
I'm literally only going to talk about emotional abuse. And you're going to learn a lot about the dynamics that are involved in emotional abuse. But I will warn you that it might be really triggering.
So if you're kind of in a relationship in which you might be recognizing some of these things and you're just not ready to hear what it is I have to say, then I would push pause if I were you. I'm a straightforward chick. I'm just going to break this down for you in the best way that I know how, which is concise.
Okay. And so that might be triggering. And I just want to tell you ahead of time that it's okay not to want to know and it's okay not to want to look at this right now.
But come on back when you're ready because I'm going to have a frank discussion with you today about the dynamics that are involved in emotional abuse, in every day abuse. Hey friend, you and I, we both know somebody who's in an abusive relationship. You know, part of the thing about this topic is that it's totally stigmatized, right? It's like whoever did the domestic violence campaign back in the day, sure as hell made us feel like we would never want to be involved in something like that, right? When so many people were already involved in something like that.
So there's a lot of shame. That's what mental health stigma is, my friend. That's what I'm doing here.
There's a lot of shame when we're talking about abuse. And to be honest, even me as a therapist, I, I, I've worked with abusive people. I've worked with people who are victims and survivors.
I've worked on every side of this issue and it's still really hard for me to talk about it in a way that isn't kind of scary. I don't want to trigger people and I don't want to say anything wrong. So just know that today I'm just going to do my best and try to give you some information and you can figure out what you're going to do with the information.
I'll give you some suggestions at the end. Of course, I'm here for you. So let's talk about this.
What is abuse? Okay. Abuse is when one person has the need to have power and control over the other person. And the way they get power and control is by mistreating the other person.
So abuse comes in lots of different packages, right? Sometimes it's very covert and you can't really decipher whether it's abuse or it's not abuse. It's quiet and sneaky. And other times it's overt, which means like we can see it, duh, we can tell, right? There's emotional abuse, there's physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse.
We could be here all day talking about all the different kinds of abuse that there are. But today I really want us to focus on emotional abuse in everyday relationships, okay? So that you can just have an idea of what that is and we can have a conversation for reels about what to do about it, okay? So let's talk about five different dynamics that can come up within an emotionally abusive relationship. And I want you to understand that what I'm talking about is not like one-offs.
It's not like, oh, well, so-and-so called me a name and they're so abusive. Like we've gotten a little willy-nilly with this whole like calling people abusive thing when they're not actually being abusive. They're just kind of being an asshole.
And then I think we've gone all the way on the other side as well where we're not calling out abuse when it is abusive and we don't know how to identify it in our own lives. So it's important to kind of know the dynamics just to sort of create a structure or, you know, a platform from which to take action, okay? So one of the dynamics within emotionally abusive relationships is demeaning. You know what demeaning is, right? It's like being purposefully mean to someone.
It's put-downs. It's calling people names, right? It's saying like, you're such an idiot or you're, you know, this terrible name. You're a whatever.
It's humiliating somebody else in front of other people or just privately. It's purposefully hurting them, right? It's like being really mean on a regular basis, okay? Controlling is another aspect, another dynamic of abuse. And so like, what do I mean by this? Well, when one person tries to take power and control over another person's time, choices in their, whether they can be in a space or not, right? Like we see a lot of controlling behavior in relationships.
And can I just tell you that I, having worked on both sides of abuse, both with people who are abusive and with survivors and victims, what I will say is like, this is all trauma-based. All of these behaviors are all trauma-based, meaning we don't just behave like this when we're emotionally healthy, my friend. We behave like this when we're wounded and we're trying to feel better.
And so I'll say that and now I'll say, and that's no excuse and it's not okay and it doesn't matter if you're on the side of it where it's like, this is how somebody is treating you in a relationship. Like trauma is not an excuse for your behavior in any way, shape or form. Okay.
Meaning that we can't just hide behind our trauma and be like, well, yeah, but I have, you know, my, my parents are alcoholics or my dad was abusive or we can't hide behind things as a way to justify bad behavior. Okay. And so that's, that's my little disclaimer there about that.
I'm trying to be really careful about my language because I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings or trigger anybody, but I am trying to be really straightforward. So hopefully this is working out okay for both of us. Things like, you know, like taking somebody else's cell phone away from them, you know, making sure that they're sort of behaving in a way that meets up with one's standards.
That's controlling behavior. Another dynamic to look for is intimidation, of course, right? So this is like when one person is intentionally making somebody else afraid, right? And we can do this in so many ways. Again, we can do this very, we can do this very covertly.
We can covertly intimidate somebody in a really abusive way that will kind of stop them from messing with us or from crossing that boundary in, in the future. The way I, I sort of see this is like, it's very intimidating to say, hold somebody's cell phone and not give it back to them. It's very intimidating to trap somebody in a space that they want to get out of.
Of course, breaking stuff, punching walls, throwing things across the room, whether it's a pencil or an anvil, it doesn't matter, right? These things intentionally are making other people afraid. And that's a pattern that we're going to call abusive, okay? Another dynamic to look for is blame. Oh, blame, right? It's sort of like when, when people use other people as their excuse for their behavior.
So excuse making is never pretty on adults. And we really want to not do that if we can help it. But when we see it on a regular basis of one person putting the blame for their behavior on another person, that's really abusive behavior.
So whether it's emotional blame, I hear a lot of the time about people saying, well, I wouldn't be so depressed if you weren't the way that you are, right? That's emotional blame. Behavioral blame is like, well, I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't done what you did, right? That's sort of like, I behave and I feel this because of you. That's blaming and it's abusive behavior, okay? And again, we're looking for a combination of things and a pattern.
Another dynamic that gets involved here with abusive patterns is denial, right? So it kind of goes along with blame, but specifically I want to talk about denial to the point where it's designed to make someone else feel crazy or stupid, right? It's like, no, I never said that, or I don't even know what you're talking about, or you must have imagined that. We talk a lot about gaslighting in mental health and I'll do a whole podcast on gaslighting. That will be super fun.
But yes, gaslighting falls into the category of denial, which again, is just like saying things intentionally, like make somebody feel like they don't know what they're talking about. Like they're stupid or they're crazy or they're making stuff up or they're being too emotional. See where I'm going there? Not good.
Those are abusive dynamics. And then the last one that I'll talk about real quickly is just threatening, right? So this can also be covert, which means like very, very subtle or outwardly threatening, right? So this is kind of like, if you do this, I'm going to do this terrible thing that you'll never recover from. Like, I'm going to take the kids or I'm going to leave if you don't blah, blah, blah.
It's sort of like holding something over somebody's head to get them to behave in a certain way, right? That's never nice. That's not okay. A lot of times when abuse gets bad, and yes, P.S. it's progressive.
I'll talk about that in a minute. But this threatening becomes like, I'm going to die if you leave. I can't live without you.
It's like kind of this can be very covert or it can be literally like, I'm going to kill myself if you leave. That is abusive dynamic, right? Because basically, we or people are getting power and control over somebody else's behavior, right? No, not you. Not you.
Well, so here's the deal. Do you see yourself in any of this? Because if you do, I just want to hold space for you and say, like, it's okay, my friend, that you're sitting here and going like, huh, well, maybe I behave this way sometimes and this isn't good. Having that realization is so important.
It's the first part of the process. So when I say it's okay, I mean, like, good for you for willing to be accountable and to take action. What's not okay is continuing to be in a relationship in which we're being abusive.
Okay? So if you don't know what that is or what that means or what that might entail, my suggestion is like, just maybe pause the relationship until you feel like you can come back in, in a way that's kind and loving and partnering with somebody, right? Or, you know, if it's a friendship, right? Maybe you just stop being in the relationship for a while until you feel like you can do it in a more emotionally functional way, right? Get to know yourself. Take a break from things that make you feel like you need a lot of power and control, right? For people that are caught in abusive dynamics, they feel like everything is so out of control. And all they're really trying to do is stabilize their world.
How they're doing it's very dysfunctional, but like, okay, we can all understand wanting to stabilize our world. This is a very unstable situation we have going here, don't you think? Right? So it's super understandable, but it doesn't mean that other people have to put up with it or that you get to blame or make excuses or, right, keep it going until somebody else gets hurt. Because here's the deal, it is progressive.
And what I'll say is if you're in an abusive dynamic, please understand that research shows that it gets worse over time. It gets more dangerous over time, okay? And it's not good for you to be in abusive dynamics. It doesn't matter what side you're on.
It feels terrible. This is not life lived being our best selves. So what are my suggestions for you? Well, my first suggestion for you is again, get out of the relationship until you can be in it more functionally.
So whether that means you make changes or the other person makes changes, and frankly, a lot of the time, both people need to do some one-to-one work or take a class or learn about themselves with a book or a podcast or whatever, right? But both people need to work towards understanding what a healthy relationship looks and feels like and what they want to do, right? So yeah, my suggestion is like, if you are in a relationship in which there are these dynamics, my friend, you can take a break from it, whether it's an emotional break or a physical break, or you can work within the relationship. But here's the deal. If you're in a relationship like this and you're just staying there because you're afraid, get some help, okay? Just reach out.
Reach out to a therapist or get some education or call a hotline. Yeah, absolutely. Get more information.
Most importantly, I think whatever side of abuse you're on, okay? And understand that you got here because hard things happened, and this is how you adapted. And you don't have to keep doing this. Just because something's a pattern doesn't mean it's a life sentence.
So get empowered. I'll tell you the same thing I tell you every week, my friend. Be in a good relationship with yourself, right? And what does that mean? Well, it means that if you're really hard on yourself or you're having trouble just relying on your own self to help your life be the way you want it to be, it's time to get to work.
It's time to heal some of your wounds. It's time to work on yourself and gain some insight. Maybe read a book, listen to a podcast, watch the videos, do what you need to do.
I'm glad you're here, and it's a first step, right? But if you're in that kind of a relationship, then you're going to need to learn to set boundaries. So what I would say is just start there. Start maybe thinking about learning to set some boundaries and go and get some information about that.
I've done a podcast on setting boundaries before. So one thing I want you to know is that I know that abuse is very stigmatized, and what that means is that we just don't talk about it. We don't tell people we're in abusive dynamics.
We're not out there like, well, we got in this huge fight and my person threw a plate across the room, and boy, was that ... No, we don't do that, you guys. We're not talking about it because it's really stigmatized, but I'll tell you, it's everywhere. And we have got to learn to be in more emotionally healthy relationships.
And what does that mean? It means we need to hold the people in our lives accountable, including ourselves. And that's why we're doing this podcast, so we can have this conversation that's really hard to have, and we can figure out what the next best step is. I care about you, my friend.
I want you to be in a good, loving, healthy relationship. I want that for everybody, because wouldn't that be amazing? So let's keep working at it. Keep getting some insight.
Keep being willing to have difficult conversations, and just keep showing up. I'll be here next week. I hope you will, too.
I hope you found today's episode helpful. Here's the deal. I'd like to get rid of some of the stigma around mental health, and this is how I'm doing it.
You can join me by leaving a review, sending an episode along to a struggling friend, or even subscribing, my friend. Any of those choices would be exciting, because then we would be helping more people. If you want to dig in further with me, I have spots open in my monthly online anxiety group.
It's going to fill up fast, so get in touch. Or you can join my free private group for daily tools, journal prompts, and information to help move you from struggling with anxiety to healing it. It's the Anxiety Recovery Club, and I'm not messing around over here.
Head to the link in the show notes at RebeccaHunterMSW.com. Way to show up today.
