You're listening to Take Out Therapy with your host, Rebecca Hunter. If you're into personal growth and fascinated by the human condition like I am, stick with me. In the next few minutes, I'll break down a common personal growth topic and give you some straightforward ideas for change.
I'm a private practice therapist and online mental health educator, so I see a lot of popular topics both in and out of the therapy office that we all struggle with. I'm here to help with that. This podcast is not a substitute for therapy, but rather the musings of a therapist and an opportunity for information and a little bit of help.
Okay, let's get to work. Hello, friends. Thanks so much for joining me today.
I've had a fun day of work, but one thing I noticed is that I was talking about boundaries an awfully lot in the office today, so I thought I'd take some time and do a little boundary lesson for you this afternoon before I leave. Isn't that amazing? Sometimes people have to pay for this, but you, you're getting it for free in 20 minutes or less, my friend. You're welcome.
Today, we're going to set boundaries, that's for sure. Today, we're going to talk about how to set boundaries. I did an episode in the past about boundaries and really talked about like, well, what are boundaries? Because I think people get really confused about what boundaries are, and the way I kind of like to talk about boundaries is very simple.
Boundaries are your rules and guidance for like how to be in a relationship with you. Boundaries are love. That's what I always say.
Boundaries are a very loving act because basically, they're spelling out for the people in your life how to be in a cohesive relationship with you. If something that someone does is not okay with you, you can't just pretend that it's okay with you. You can set a boundary there and ask them to change their behavior, right? Generally, where we need to set boundaries is like when people are not considering our needs before they behave or when they're just flat out taking advantage of us.
You know, people that are anxious tend to have not great boundaries, just a heads up, and that's part of what causes some anxiety is the fact that you kind of get railroaded in your life sometimes because everything that comes up is like, oh, that's okay. Oh, no problem. Oh, sure.
I'll do that for you. The answer is yes, my friend. No, the answer is no.
That's the boundary. So, let's teach you exactly how to set boundaries today. I'm going to be talking about the boundary sandwich, which is a delicious mix of pleasant things and kind requests.
It's not a bad sandwich. It's a delicious sandwich. People think setting boundaries is like so hard and it's so, you know, just like emotionally laborious to figure out like what is my boundary and how do I ask for that? And I'm just going to break it down for you in a little bit of a simpler way that you can kind of just play around with on easy stuff first.
And then once you get really good at making the sandwich, you can progress to areas of your life that you really need to set boundaries. Boundaries are awesome because they're clear guidance for the other person about what's going to work for you in your relationship with them. There's no guesswork.
It's like they're very easy to understand when you can ask for a boundary to be met in a really concise way. It's like you're handing somebody the key to being in a relationship with you. And that, my friend, is connection.
That's love in action. Help people be in relationships with you by not walking all over you, by not pissing you off on the regular, right? Boundaries are empowered. They are authentic.
And baby, they will free you up. Can you imagine how much time you would have to devote to something else if you set boundaries around just your time alone? Holy cow. Once I learned this skill, it was a huge game changer for me.
And to be honest, I am an actual person behind this microphone. I have had a terrible time learning to set boundaries. And there are still areas in which I don't necessarily feel like I'm getting my needs met because I'm not really sure what the boundary needs to be.
So just so you know, this is like life in action. Setting boundaries is a project. It is an ongoing thing.
So be gentle, you know, be nice to yourself. You don't have to get an A in boundary setting right away. Here's what's not a good idea.
It's basically like you get into a situation where you get super hacked off. Maybe we could call that triggered, right? And then you start like setting quote unquote boundaries by telling people what they can and cannot do. It's a way of kind of controlling others, which is not a boundary, my friend.
That's just being controlling. So a boundary is sort of like, this is where I end and you begin, meaning you take care of your shit and I'll take care of my shit is kind of what a boundary is. So a boundary fail is when we just tell people what to do and call that a boundary.
That's not OK. That's not a good way to connect in relationships. You know, when we use the boundary sandwich, what tends to happen is we get more connected to people.
The purpose of setting the boundary is connection. How about that? Go figure. So let me tell you about the boundary sandwich.
It has three parts. You might want to take notes here. The first part is that you want to connect to people.
OK, you're having a relationship with somebody. So the first part, if you know you need to set a boundary, is to to join with the person. That's like the the bottom piece of bread.
It is the foundation from which relationships are built on friendship connection. So something like validation or empathy, understanding, those are all great things to start a conversation with in which you're thinking about setting a boundary. So then then after that, like the meat in the sandwich is your boundary, your request for a different kind of behavior from somebody.
And then the top bun is like another connection point. It's a statement about the desire to connect with somebody and how the boundary will help you guys better relate. OK, so let me give you a couple of examples.
One example is like when you're at work and you have a co-worker that really likes to somehow always get you to do their job. I hear about this all the time. Right.
And and a lot of people talk about this in this context of like, well, I just always say yes, because it's so much easier than like explaining to them how to do it. So it's like, well, I can't I don't know how to do this or well, Johnny knows how to do this best. So I just put it on his desk.
So this is a great place to set a boundary, because frankly, when you do somebody else's job, it ain't your job. And it's a nice, fast route to burnout. My friend only do the things that are your job.
That's what you get paid for. So a good way to set a boundary in a work situation is just to empathize with the other person and to say, hey, I noticed that whenever we have TPS reports, you seem really overwhelmed. And I know that you don't you haven't had great training maybe on how to do that.
And so I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to ask you to go back to to our supervisor and get better trained on that, because I don't have time anymore to do your TPS reports. I think this will really help us work better together because I'm starting to get a little bit resentful because I keep saying yes, when really I've wanted I really haven't had the time to say yes, but I've been doing it anyway. Okay.
Did you see what I did there? I'm like, hey, I really understand where you're coming from and what you're dealing with and what you're going through. Validation, empathy and understanding. But here's my boundary, friend, is like, go get go figure out how to do this on your own rather than asking me to do it every time.
And then the other part, the end part was like that connection piece of like, hey, I think this is actually really going to improve our working relationship. Right. Okay.
So here's another example. It's like the story of the husband who invites his parents to come for a visit without giving the wife a heads up. Right.
The boundary sandwich might look something like this. Hey, friend, I know that your parents don't get to come here very often and that you really miss them and you love to see them. And I do, too.
Actually, I really enjoy spending time with your family, but I really need to request that you give me a heads up and some choice about when they come to visit us because that will make it so much easier for us to arrange our lives, to be able to spend more time with them. And I think that that will be better for all of us. But instead, sometimes when you don't ask me, I get super flustered and I don't have time and like things kind of roll out of control.
And I'd rather us do have time and do take that and do be present for their visits. I think that'll help everybody. Do you see what I just did there? I'm like, don't be inviting your parents here without checking in with me first.
So that's a different way to set a boundary. Right. But what I did was I'm like, I know you love your parents.
Validation, empathy. And so do I. Understanding, joining, connecting, being in relationship. You see that? And then the boundary in the middle, which is like, can you please collaborate with me? Let's plan together.
Let's hook up and make sure that it's a good time for all of us. And then end it with that, like, because I think this will be really helpful to make the situation less conflict, you know, strewn with conflict and more enjoyable and connecting for all of us. So that's the boundary sandwich, my friend.
A very quick lesson for you today. I want to hear from you about what you're setting boundaries on these days. You know, it's super interesting because we're returning to our lives and it's so weird.
So many people haven't had to really socialize or deal with other people outside of their families. So many people have been stuck with their families, trapped with them, really, and having to be having to be confronted with dysfunctional pattern. And so it's always good kind of and especially now to just like get going on a good, get going on a good jam, right? Like set some boundaries, make sure that you're being seen and heard in your relationships and that will help you connect a lot easier and better.
Right. I recently had a client who was like, I met a new friend and he said it was so funny because when we met each other, we established a boundary and the boundary was basically like, I really like you. I'd like to do activities here and there, but I'm not looking for a daily, daily friend, meaning I don't want to text every day.
I don't want to call every day. We don't need to hang out all the time. But like, let's keep in touch and go here and there.
That's what I have space for. That's what I have room for. I really enjoy your company.
And gosh, what a lovely thing to be able to be an adult and set functional boundaries with people. And frankly, you know, the other thing is like, I think people are so afraid that when they set a boundary that people are going to run for the hills. And may I just point out to you, if somebody does not like your boundaries, let them run for the hills because our boundaries are, are us just like taking up a little bit more space in the relationship.
And if you're in a relationship with somebody who can't give you a little bit more space in the relationship to say like, this is OK and this is not OK, it's probably not a healthy relationship anyway. So I say start small with boundaries, practice on little tiny stuff and move your way up the importance ladder and let me know how it goes as you set boundaries. Hey, man, get in touch with me.
Let me know who you're setting boundaries with and how you did with the boundary sandwich. You can't eat it, but it's very fortifying, don't you think? Thanks for being with me today. I'll see you next week.
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I'd like to get rid of some of the stigma around mental health, and this is how I'm doing it. We just need to have these conversations. If you really want to dig in, join me on social media or join my private Facebook group for more tools, support and possibilities for change.
Head to the link in the show notes at RebeccaHunterMSW.com. Way to show up today.
