Well, hello there. Thanks for tuning in today to the third episode in the codependency series. I'm trying to teach you about what codependency is, how we sometimes come to codependency and codependent behaviors.
And then most importantly, today's episode, we're going to talk about how to do some recovery work from codependency. If you're seeing some stuff in your life and I don't know about this, this doesn't really feel good to me, then I would say like, okay, just be willing to take a look at it. So we'll really dig in today about how to do that and then what to do to get change going.
So stick with me. You're listening to take out therapy with your host, Rebecca Hunter. If you're into personal growth and fascinated by the human condition, like I am stick with me in the next few minutes, I'll break down a common personal growth topic and give you some straightforward ideas for change.
I'm a private practice therapist and online mental health educator. So I see a lot of popular topics, both in and out of the therapy office that we all struggle with. I'm here to help with that.
This podcast is not a substitute for therapy, but rather the musings of a therapist and an opportunity for information and a little bit of help. Okay, let's get to work. Hello, my friends.
Thanks so much for joining me today as we really dig into solving the issue of codependency. If you've listened to the last couple episodes, and if you haven't, I hope you go back and do because if you've listened to the past couple episodes, maybe you have come to the realization or solidified your own realization that you do have some codependency going on in your life, whether it's you or it's somebody else in your life. It's just good to know kind of what, you know, sometimes when relationships don't feel good, and we know they're not healthy, but we can't put our finger on like, what's the possible, what's a possible road for solution? That's kind of my point in this podcast is I just want to, A, bring up issues or dynamics in our lives that just don't feel good, and then B, it's really important to me to try to help you wrap your brain around what change might look like for you.
So hopefully today's episode is going to be really helpful for you if you have found that you have some codependent dynamics in some of your relationships. You know, I called today's episode Recovery from Codependency, and I mean by that is when we step out of codependency, we have a recovery of self. We get to be in a different kind of relationship with ourselves.
You know, we are less about the preoccupation of the other, if that makes sense, because codependency is really kind of this um, it's a dependency on another person's actions or emotions in order for us to feel or behave in a stabilized way. So it's like if your emotional stability depends on the emotional stability of somebody in your life or their actions, um, yeah, you might, you might look at that and say like, oh, well, that's kind of that dynamic in this relationship that doesn't feel good. So today I want to teach you some ways to kind of take a look at that and get some change going, because then it's like you can live a life in which you get your own needs met.
You can have, you know, it's very stressful trying to emotionally caretake or have somebody else emotionally caretake for us. It's, it's really quite overwhelming and stressful, right? Because we're, we're really trying to, well, in a lot of cases, we're trying to control the behavior of other people, whether we do that by being really nice to them, right? We're literally trying to control them. It's so that we can all like have more supposed like more positive emotions, but you and I both know that's not really how it always ends up because we know that a recovery from codependency is like kind of, it's kind of freedom, right? That you don't have like that resentment and that very imbalanced feeling in your relationship.
So it's just like less overwhelming, less relationship turmoil overall. It just really helps to be individuals in relationships. And I think sometimes, especially after being in a relationship with somebody like for a long time, sometimes like with our parents or with our siblings or with our spouses, right? We can get into some dynamics with our kids.
Hello. We can get into some dynamics of codependency. So I think in any, I'll just give you some ideas about any kind of change process, but particularly when we're dealing with something that's pretty triggering, which is codependency.
And if you listen to the roots of codependency episode, which is a couple back, I really talk about the origins of codependent behavior. So it would make sense that if trauma is one of your origins for codependency, like it's pretty triggering to do some work around it. So if you need to get some additional support, obviously this podcast, this podcast is not a substitute for therapy.
But rather to just help you learn about some of the dynamics of your life that might not feel so good or that feel really good and help you develop there. You know, in the process of healing codependency, I think it's very helpful to be in a good relationship with yourself. Like anytime you decide to embark upon personal growth, like you're going to need to be in a good relationship with yourself.
You're going to need to practice patience and self-love. It doesn't, change doesn't happen as fast as we would hope it would. And so sometimes it's kind of looking like things aren't changing when they actually are.
So what I would say is like develop enough ability to just step back from your life and see what's happening on the regular basis. And then you'll know kind of where you need to make some changes. So those are just some ideas about what might help in the healing of codependency, which is like, you know, just being able to have a nonjudgmental, like pretty kind awareness about what's not working.
And then just being really patient and understanding that it's a process, right? It's like basically learning a new skill. So what do we need to do in order to leave codependency behind? Well, I would say the first thing we need to do is to be willing to set boundaries, my friend, right? And boundaries are really, really hard. I did an episode on them.
I feel like I barely scratched the surface of what a boundary is, but it's basically like this idea that like sometimes in relationships, things just don't feel very good and we need to rearrange the rules or the way things are done. And we're going to call that a boundary. We need to draw a line, like I like this and I don't like this.
Or I need, right, like for example, if you live with somebody who's a yeller, one appropriate boundary can be basically like, I would like you to work on your yelling. I would like you to yell less in our home. And the boundary is like, when you yell, I'm going to leave.
Like I'm not going to stay in the room while you're yelling. Does that make sense? And so again, I don't really want to get into this whole like deep dive into abusive relationships because I'm not going to go there. Like I can't cover, I can't even scratch the surface in a short podcast like this.
But what I'm saying is that like boundary is basically a line between what's okay and what's not okay with you in your relationships. And so in order to stop kind of engaging in codependent patterns, we have to be willing to set some boundaries, which means if you don't want to do something anymore, then maybe just saying like, I'm not going to be doing this anymore. And then just stop doing it, which means the most important person to set the boundary with is yourself.
So sometimes work in codependency means that we're also really working on our relationship with ourself, right? Because we have to trust ourself to know what's better for us than what's currently happening. We have to trust ourself to know like, well, why am I always so angry and resentful with this person? Does that make sense? So for example, if what you realize is that you don't like your boss and what you have come to understand is that you basically don't have very good boundaries around work and that you've taught the people that you work with, including your boss, that you'll literally work anytime they get in touch with you, right? You might decide that that relationship doesn't work for you. You might decide, hey, I'm over-functioning here, right? And you might have to set some different boundaries.
And what I'm telling you is that sometimes people don't like when you set those new boundaries. Like, what do you mean you're not going to be available all the time? And you can just say, well, I didn't have very good boundaries around my work and home hours and now I need to, right? And so that's just one of the ways in which we can start to like really look at some of the relationships in our lives and play around with the idea of setting boundaries. Okay.
And that means too, setting boundaries with ourselves. And I'll get to that in a few minutes. But one thing that happens when we're working through codependency is we do tend to review our relationships and not like, hey, how's everybody screwing me over now? But rather, what are the dynamics in the relationships that we're in? What are some of the roles that you play? If you listened a long time ago, I did an episode called the drama triangle.
And that talks about our roles in relationships. If you tend to fall into the role of victim, you might have some codependency going on. Those two words are closely related.
I can't stay on the word victim. But it does, we do get kind of, we do get really kind of victimized in codependency because we feel like we have to keep doing what we're doing in order for everybody else to be okay. And so that's a lot.
You know, that's a pretty heavy weight and it just doesn't feel good. So within the recovery process from codependency, we have to start to look at our relationships and deal with some unhealthy imbalance that might be taking place. Right? I think the important thing to look at when we're looking at relationships is how does the relationship make you feel? Right? Like how does it feel to play your role in whatever the relationship is? That is a really nice indicator of what some work is that might get to happen there.
And then being willing to set boundaries. Right? And then the last thing and one of the most important things about doing any kind of personal growth, particularly codependency, because when we start working on being less codependent, it feels kind of self-centered. And so I will just warn you that you might feel really selfish.
One of the things that we know about codependent people or people that, you know, behave codependently within some of their relationships is that they're nice people, right? But they typically aren't taking care of themselves as much as they're taking care of other people, my friend. And so what I would say is the number one place to start in your recovery from codependence is you got to start taking care of yourself. You have to start doing it from a place of self-compassion, which is like not necessarily giving like so much weight to guilt, but rather to be with yourself and understand that like you have to take care of you, my friend.
You have to nurture yourself. You are in a relationship with yourself. If you put that relationship last, it means you're going to be doing a lot of other people's work for them.
Does that make sense? Because you won't really put yourself first. You'll put other people first. So self-care is really, really important here.
And what I mean by that is like setting boundaries around what's okay with you and what's not okay with you. So I'm hoping that that really hits home and feels helpful and it feels like maybe a good place to start. I gave you lots ideas about, you know, just kind of being willing to just step back a little bit and not always do the same things that you do.
Just play around kind of with like, well, what happens when I don't do that for that person? Or what happens when I, you know, sort of ask for things to be different? Just be willing to play around in your relationships and see if things could feel better. Because that's the point, my friend, of this whole project is like, can we get to a place in life where we are in a good relationship with ourself and it feels good, this life? That's what I want for you. That's why I'm doing this work.
So digging into codependency is brave. And I would say just like you're brave, first of all, for even being willing to work on yourself. You know, some people, they're not working on themselves and that's okay.
They're not ready yet, but you are. And so step right up to the plate, my friend, and continue being the badass that you are. But be nice to yourself in the process, okay? Support yourself in the fact that you're just, you're fine the way you are.
You're fantastic, as a matter of fact. You're just getting better. That's all.
I think people are really hard on themselves. And particularly what we know is that people that have codependent behavior are really hard on themselves. So it's going to be a big project in getting into a relationship with yourself that's really nurturing when you recover from codependency.
Because again, you're recovering yourself from the distraction of others. I will say, as a therapist who specializes in anxiety, I see a huge connection between codependency and anxiety. Because frankly, it's really anxiety producing to get other people to feel the way you want them to feel all the time.
Like it's exhausting to keep everybody happy, don't you think? And so it's impossible as well. And it causes people anxiety. So look for that connection in your life.
In the next couple weeks, I'm going to be digging into anxiety. So stick around and we will keep doing our personal growth work. Thanks for showing up.
I appreciate it. I'm right here beside you. I'm doing the work too.
If you like the podcast, it really helps this project. If you subscribe, send it along to a couple of friends and keep listening. We need more mental health education people.
That's what I'm doing here. I have a lot of unpaid content that I put out, like this podcast, but I also have two paid programs. One for people who want to stop overthinking everything to death.
And I also have an in-depth program for anxiety recovery. So if you want to dig into some work with me, get in touch. You can find me at RebeccaHunterMSW.com. That's an MSW because I have a master's in social work.
A lot of people ask about that. And yes, I am a therapist, but this show is not meant as therapy, but rather education. Thanks for listening.
