Hello, friend. Hey, if you're interested in doing a deep dive into codependency, stick with me over the next three weeks, because I'm going to really dig into the roots of codependency, the reality of codependency, and most importantly, how are we going to recover from codependency? So stick with me. Today's episode, we're going to start with the roots of codependency.
You're listening to Take Out Therapy with your host, Rebecca Hunter. If you're into personal growth and fascinated by the human condition like I am, stick with me. In the next few minutes, I'll break down a common personal growth topic and give you some straightforward ideas for change.
I'm a private practice therapist and online mental health educator, so I see a lot of popular topics both in and out of the therapy office that we all struggle with. I'm here to help with that. This podcast is not a substitute for therapy, but rather the musings of a therapist and an opportunity for information and a little bit of help.
Okay, let's get to work. Hello, my friends. Thanks for spending time with me today as we work our way through the codependency series that I have planned for us, codependency roots, reality, and recovery.
Today's episode, I'm going to dig into the roots of codependency. Like why the heck are we so codependent? So I want to start out with just a quick definition. If you aren't familiar with codependency, I already did an episode on it actually, and it was the most popular and remains the most listened to episode that I've ever done, which is why I think we ought to dig in a little, don't you think? So here's the deal.
Codependency is a total pathology. So you know how I feel about these labels. Why must we label ourselves people? Well, that's kind of just so we can share language around common behavior.
So codependency came up in the addiction recovery realm, meaning that when we're addicts or when we're arranging our lives around addicts, we start to exhibit behaviors that are quote unquote codependent. And what that really means is that we kind of rearrange our lives around unstable people, or we kind of rearrange our lives around our own inability to feel difficult emotion. So you can kind of see like in the realm of addiction, why that would be the case, right? And then the other thing is like in today's world, codependency actually comes up for people that aren't in addictive relationships or around addiction.
It comes up in lots of different relationships. And so the way I like to define it is basically just like codependency in a very general sense is when our own emotional stability and regulation really revolves around another person's emotional regulation, stability, actions, behaviors. Does that make sense? So it's kind of like we just kind of rearrange life so everybody's feeling their best all the time, which you know, that's kind of BS, because that's not possible.
Life's hard and things happen and we need to be able to feel what's happening so that we can adjust and change and grow. So today, what I'd like to do is just start by talking about the roots of codependency. Like how do we get here? How did we get here? Right? So I'll bring in the history a little bit and just tell you that when we're raised in households, as children with adults who aren't emotionally stable, it creates a child who, you know, learns to control for that.
So it's like maybe you grew up with an alcoholic and that parent needed kind of emotional caretaking, right? Or literal caretaking. Maybe part of that caretaking is like not misbehaving or not bringing up things that are difficult. Maybe that kind of compliance-based behavior was like just kind of disappearing, right? Or actually being pleasing to the adults around you.
That happens a lot too, right, in addictive households. We learn to survive, frankly, and what does that look like? Well, sometimes it looks like being really well-behaved, right, making the adults around us laugh or feel good. It's basically like morphing ourselves into somebody who can create emotional stability for others.
So that happens in households when there are addicts. But here's the deal. Codependency has come on down the line, right? So maybe you weren't raised in a household in which there was addiction, but codependency still existed.
So a lot of kind of this newer generation or maybe your generation, depending on when you were raised, is like some of us were raised by really codependent people. And so that was our emotional model, right? Like how do you please others? How do you make other people feel good about who you are and your behavior? Well, you kind of shove yourself to the side, right, and become a people pleaser or don't bring up difficult things. You emotionally caretake, and we learn that from our caretakers.
So whenever we're looking at our behavior, you guys, we can't ignore the past. We just can't. And I know a lot of people feel like, I don't really want to talk about the past.
I just want to put that behind me. And I totally agree. Let's put that behind us.
But in the process, we need to know the origin of what our experience is because it creates understanding within ourselves. It creates compassion within ourselves and empathy within ourselves. Like we need to understand that it wasn't easy being the child of somebody who was a people pleaser and was over-functioning and was trying to make everything super easy for everybody.
It wasn't easy to be raised in chaotic households where the grown-ups were not behaving like grown-ups, okay? So the other thing I always like people to kind of pay attention to when we're talking about the roots of codependency and what comes up so much in the therapy office is we've got to look at our early relationships, our adolescent relationships, whether they be friendships or adolescent romance. You know, adolescence is a very immature time, right? And so some of these relationships are really immature. They're a reflection of our household, like what's going on in our home.
And so a lot of times I hear from people that their earliest relationships were not healthy at all and it kind of set the tone for their future relationship and caused them to morph or modify their own behavior to be happier in relationship with other people or frankly to make other people happier in the relationship with them. So whenever you're looking at your own kind of the things that you want to do some work on, be willing to look at the roots of the behavior and early relationships, early adolescent relationships are oftentimes come into play right there. And then the other thing that, you know, I'm always kind of peeling the onion back to this place of like your relationship with yourself.
The other part of codependency is that when we have codependent patterns, it's because we're not living in a straight up relationship with ourself, meaning that we're not comfortable with our wants and our needs and expressing those things within our relationship. And a lot of times we look to other people, well, they're just going to get mad and I don't want to deal with that or well, he's just going to say this, this and this. So what's the point? But we have to be accountable and we have to hold ourself in high esteem because here's the deal.
What you want and you need in your relationships is your responsibility to get. It's your responsibility to ask for what you need in your relationship. So whether this is with your kids or whether it's with your partner or whether it's with your freaking boss, it's your responsibility to be you, right? When we start to talk about in a couple episodes, I'm going to talk about recovery from codependence.
And what you're going to learn on a deeper level is recovery from codependence is where we form a more authentic relationship with ourselves, right? We stop putting other people first. We stop putting other people's needs before our needs in favor of what? Like avoiding conflict or in favor of letting other people have difficult emotions, right? So at the base, at the foundation of codependency is your relationship with yourself. And yeah, I've done an episode on that.
So you can scroll back down. It's pretty near, darn near the beginning of my podcast, actually, because our relationship with ourself is so important. And I'm really going to go there in this codependency series because it matters.
It's why you're here today. It's why you're listening to this podcast. So be willing to look at that relationship because what we do in codependence is we sort of abandon ourselves.
We abandon ourselves because we think it's easier than getting what we want because the people around us have grown to expect certain behaviors from us like overfunctioning, over caretaking, people pleasing. The people around us have grown to expect that we're not going to bring up any conflict with them, right? That's not a thing that we do. We like to be thought of as easy breezy, right? But inside is where codependency really takes root.
It makes us really anxious, for one thing. Like whenever I specialize in helping people with anxiety, as you probably know, and codependency is usually present within anxiety because, frankly, it's really anxiety producing to not get what you want out of your life. It's really anxiety producing to be in relationships with people that need you to be a certain way that, like, internally you're actually not that way, right? Because codependence breeds resentment and anger and all kinds of negative emotions internally, usually.
But, you know, like we just keep all that inside and try to continue on. Yeah, that's anxiety producing. P.S., it also leads people down a very depressed path.
Depression is a disconnection, right? And so if we look at it that way, it's like if we're not really being authentic and we're not really respecting ourselves and our own needs and asking for what we need in relationships and, frankly, demanding what we want in relationships, then we're putting ourselves on the back burner. And what's more depressing than that? I don't know, man. I don't know.
It's soul sucking. So I like just to put it mildly. So I wanted to talk about codependency because I know you're interested in and it's a deep topic.
So over the next three weeks, we'll just keep digging in. We're going to talk next week about the reality of codependency. I'm going to talk to you about some of the major traits and behaviors of codependence, like what lives there.
And then the following week, I'm going to help you kind of pick yourself up with your new awareness and insight and head into the land of codependency recovery, my friend, because here's the deal. It's actually not that hard to stop codependent behaviors. You just have to be willing to change.
You have to be willing to help the people in your life better understand who you are and what you need. And there's a way to do that that's not going to alarm everybody and make them run for the hills. So we'll talk about that as we go.
Thank you so much for just always showing up here and doing the work. Your emails, well, gosh, I mean, they just really mean a lot to me. It was nice taking time off from the podcast.
It gave me some space and some room to sort of think about what I wanted to do next. I have some great stuff in store for you. We're going to do codependency for a while.
And then I'm going to dig into anxiety because I think that that's fun. And I think that it's deeply needed right now. Let's dig in there.
So stick with me, keep learning and keep being willing to show up and do the work. I'll be right here beside you. But hey, if you like the podcast, it really helps this project.
If you subscribe, send it along to a couple of friends and keep listening. We need more mental health education, people. That's what I'm doing here.
I have a lot of unpaid content that I put out like this podcast, but I also have two paid programs, one for people who want to stop overthinking everything to death. And I also have an in-depth program for anxiety recovery. So if you want to dig into some work with me, get in touch.
You can find me at RebeccaHunterMSW.com. That's an MSW because I have a master's in social work. A lot of people ask about that. And yes, I am a therapist, but this show is not meant as therapy, but rather education.
Thanks for listening.
