I'm Rebecca Hunter and this is Take Out Therapy. As a private practice therapist, I've helped a lot of people work through some of the most common everyday issues using new tools and greater insight. If you have any interest in doing some personal growth work, this might be the perfect place for you.
In the next 20 minutes, I'll walk you through a commonly explored topic in therapy and provide you with actual tools to deal with it. It's that simple. Obviously, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I think it could be helpful.
Thanks for being here. Hello my friends. Today's episode's important, especially with everything that's going on today in the world.
I mean, not just today, but like lately. Today's episode's really important. Let's talk about anger because isn't there so many angry people out there? Maybe you're one of them.
Maybe I'm one of them. Let's talk about anger. It's really important that we understand a few things about anger so that we're not so carried away with it, so we're not so afraid of it, frankly.
A lot of ... We can either go way into anger or people tend to avoid anger. Yeah. Anger ... Okay, so here is the basis of today's lesson.
Anger is a secondary emotion. What? What in the world does this mean? Well, my friend, anger is a secondary emotion. Meaning, anger is basically like laying on top of all these other emotions.
But we choose to, or do not choose to, but tend to display anger because hello, anger is amazing protection. Wouldn't you agree? How many times does anyone want to mess with me when I'm angry? Hardly any, just so you know. Anger is a shield and a sword, okay? And so why wouldn't we go to anger? The emotions that anger covers up for are kind of vulnerable ones.
There are sometimes things that we felt a lot as a child. There are sometimes things that we don't want to talk about. Sometimes anger is shame in disguise.
There's one to ponder. Think about that noodle for a second, right? So sometimes anger is protecting us from other more difficult emotions. So let's look at anger.
Let's look at kind of, well, if anger is a secondary emotion, what are the emotions that are underneath there and how can I deal with those? It's super interesting because people continue to be mystified by anger. They're fairly avoidant of it. Anger has a bad reputation, don't you think? Right? Anger doesn't look good on us.
And so we've been taught that anger is something we want to avoid. Here's the other side to that, is that if you were raised in a house with an angry parent, you're probably not that comfortable with anger, okay? Or it's like you're raised in a house in which there's a lot of kind of passionate yelling, then maybe anger is not that big of a deal to you and you spend a lot of time there. Either which way, anger is just like a suit of armor on some other really vulnerable emotions.
Do you want to go there with me? I can name a few. I mean, look outside. Look outside of your own life, which like, it's a train wreck out there, guys.
How could we possibly avoid it? There's a lot of anger out there and I'm sure you can tap into some of your own anger right now. A lot of things are super messed up and we're having to deal with a lot of really difficult emotions. So let's look at that.
Gee, what example should I use? Gosh, it's so hard. Should we keep talking about this pandemic? Should we talk about our anger? About what we're learning? If you're a white person, about what the hell has gone on in this country that we have had the privilege of maybe not being as conscious as we could have about it. Doesn't that kind of piss you off? Doesn't it kind of anger you that our sources of information are actually not sources of information that we can trust and rely on and use to figure out what the heck we're going to do next? Doesn't that make you angry sometimes? Do you see people online? They're all mad about the masks.
We're all pissed off about the damn mask situation. Still, still angry. We're angry at our government.
We're angry at the media. We're angry at our spouse for not wiping the counter. What are we underneath all that, my friend? We're angry.
Yeah, we're just like, we go to anger fast. There's some fear. If you want to really dig and peel the onion, there's oftentimes underneath you being angry and me being angry.
We find fear. We find a core feeling of vulnerability. This is not sustainable.
I don't want to. What is going on right now? Our brain doesn't like vulnerability, so it goes to anger because anger keeps us safe. Does that make sense? So many people have an experience of being a kid in school and that being a frustrating experience.
Instead of being able to express this vulnerable feeling of frustration when we don't know how to do something, we just get mad. You ever seen kids throw things across the room in frustration? And that looks like mad. And we actually, oftentimes, parents talk about that as anger, like, that's not okay.
It's okay. The expression of it is inappropriate. Does that make sense? So, so many people are really uncomfortable with anger based on it can be kind of out of control.
It feels really dangerous to some people, right? Like, you don't want to mess with me when I'm mad. And I say things that I don't mean and I am shut down and I'm super negative. So the reason I want to talk about this is because, yeah, I'm all those things sometimes when I'm angry, but also that's not helpful.
And frankly, it keeps me stuck. And I am looking around me in this world right now, and I think we're a little stuck, guys. So if you're experiencing anger, like many, many of us are, can we dig a little and see what that's about? Can we access those softer emotions? I'm afraid, of course, a little afraid.
I'm not wrapped up in fear. I'm not walking around in fear, right? But it's underneath there. I feel really vulnerable.
I'm super confused. I'm very frustrated. And those acknowledgements of all those emotions that are underneath anger, you know what we can do if we kind of come out of anger and come into those softer emotions? We can start to affect change.
We can start to feel like, okay, well, I mean, I'm confused, for example. Well, what can I do? Okay, well, I could go get information. I could go get more information from reputable sources, from reliable places based on what my values are about what's reliable, right? Or if everything outside of my life makes me angry and frustrated and confused and all the things of vulnerable and fearful, maybe I could just like come back in my life.
Because is anger helpful? Please raise your hand if being angry on a daily basis feels productive and helpful to you. Hello, hello. No, it's not.
It's such a churn, isn't it? To be angry is such a churn. And when we start to really talk about the underlying emotions for ourselves, whether it's like with another person, right? If you're angry at someone about something, you could stay there. Yes, my friend, you can absolutely stay there.
Or you can start to acknowledge some of the softer emotions underneath all that anger. You can acknowledge them to yourself. You can acknowledge them with the person that you're hacked off at.
You can acknowledge them in your journal. Who cares? Just acknowledge what you actually feel aside from being angry. Maybe you feel like once again, people aren't listening to you.
It's very frustrating and makes you feel invisible. Okay. How are you going to deal with that? Maybe you're angry because people don't behave the way you'd like them to behave.
Maybe that's confusing for you. Maybe it's like beating your head against the wall. Okay.
How are you going to deal with that? Do you see what I'm getting at? It always comes back to you. It always comes back to me too, my friend. So the next time you get stuck in anger, I guess what I want you to know is like, yeah, it's totally valid to be angry.
If that's helpful for you, feel free to stay there. It's not going to enrich your relationships. You're not going to be approachable when you're angry.
Like angry equals scary and vulnerable and frustrated and confused. Those are approachable emotions. So one of the reasons that we want to kind of shift from anger to some of those deeper emotions is so that we can be in relationship.
Because when I'm mad at John or anyone, right? He's he runs for the hills, you guys. He's nowhere to be found. He's hiding.
Of course he's hiding. I'm scary. Right? And so if you want to keep, you know, pushing forward and working on your relationship with both yourself and other people, you got to dig a little with the anger.
Because again, it's a secondary emotion. Being emotionally well-rounded means you understand that there's not only one emotion at a time. There's a lot that goes into it.
And some emotions, while valid, if we stay in them with our behavior and our words and facial expressions, we're not going to be able to connect. So as a further tool to help you connect, I hope I taught you something about anger today. Okay.
Thanks for being here with me. Did you know one in four people report anxiety? Who knows how many more are suffering in silence? It's a problem. Here's what I know.
If people want to solve the problem of anxiety, not just cope with it, they need to get educated. They need to learn what anxiety is, why they have it and what they need to do to get rid of its control in their lives. That's why I created the anxiety course, because we need to stop thinking that therapy is the only place to get help.
Not everyone with anxiety needs therapy and a bunch of education never hurt. You might not get that in therapy. If you know someone who's anxious and tired of coping, send them along to my site.
The link is in the show notes. This is one way I can help. I hope you found today's show helpful.
It would mean a lot to me if you'd rate, review, or subscribe so that we can reach more people with this type of information. Here's the deal. I'd like to get rid of some of the stigma around mental health, and this is how I'm doing it.
We just need to have these conversations. If you really want to dig in, join me on social media or join my private Facebook group for tools, support, and possibilities for change. Head to the link in the show notes at rebeccahuntermsw.com. Way to show up today.
