I'm Rebecca Hunter and this is Take Out Therapy. As a private practice therapist, I've helped a lot of people work through some of the most common everyday issues using new tools and greater insight. If you have any interest in doing some personal growth work, this might be the perfect place for you.
In the next 20 minutes, I'll walk you through a commonly explored topic in therapy and provide you with actual tools to deal with it. It's that simple. Obviously, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I think it could be helpful.
Thanks for being here. Hello, my friends. Here is what I know.
When people get excited about doing personal growth work, like they're ready and they're willing and they're like, yeah, I'm going to level up. It's really hard to figure out where to begin, partly because we have this idea about ourselves that we're broken and now we need to fix, but also partly because it's overwhelming. We don't understand all the layers to the thing.
I thought it would be helpful today to just help you get started. And also, if you're already started, probably this episode will be super helpful because the other thing that I'm going to focus on here is talking about sustainability. What I mean by that and a question that I have found myself asking so much lately in the therapy office is, is this sustainable? Can you keep doing this and what is the impact of that? This is what we're going to talk about today because this one question alone can get you started on a personal growth journey where you start taking control of your life and yes, fixing some of the things in life that feel broken, right? Because a lot of people have things going on in their lives that aren't really working.
You guys, we all have areas of our life that need improvement. Duh. I could probably name, I don't know, five off the top of my head right now, but I won't bore you with the details.
Right? But we got some stuff. We all have it. And so it's like there are situations in our lives that are bad.
They don't feel good. They're disruptive. They might be unhealthy.
You know, we're not getting our needs met and that's something to kind of look out for is like, is there a situation in your life where you're kind of like, uh, this is not okay. Right. Or you're not getting your needs met and it's like there's a pattern there.
Take a look at that. Is it something that's unhealthy? We all have areas of our life in which we behave in an unhealthy manner. We all have situations that we're all in you guys that are not as healthy as we'd like them to be.
And you know what those are. You just have to listen to yourself a little bit. You just have to noodle on it, friends.
Right? When we're in unhealthy situations, it's really hard to move forward in our personal growth. It makes us feel super stuck. And so the question becomes, is it sustainable? Can it continue over the longterm? And what's the effect of that? So there we are back at the question, right? So let me tell you a little bit of a story.
Um, I'm trying to get a little more organized with my examples. And so I was kind of thinking about situations that I myself have been in, in my life that were not sustainable, that without really making a big shift within that situation, like I just wasn't going to be happy. And I think we all have been in this situation of where we have a job where things just don't feel good.
Okay. And by the way, if you have any interest in this topic, I'm going to do a deep dive on burnout next week. Dun, dun, dun.
But what we need to do is kind of just tune in to some of these areas that aren't working. So here's my example. I used to work at a company in which my boss was pretty abusive.
She did a lot of kind of, um, gaslighting, which is, and I can do a whole episode on that. Um, but she would do this thing where she would behave kind of badly and really disrespectfully to her employees. And then when they kind of said something about it, she was appalled, um, and would do a lot of kind of blaming and, um, yeah, it was a whole big thing.
And she did it all the time, like every day. And so everybody was walking on eggshells. It was crazy town.
It was crazy down up in there, you guys. And I started thinking to myself, like, is this going to work for me long term? Is this a healthy environment? Am I getting my needs met here? And so, and so here I'm going to kind of run through this process that you can use when you come up against a situation such as this, right? And maybe it's like relationship dynamic. Maybe your partner is kind of a yeller and, um, it, it doesn't feel good to you.
And you, um, it's not sustainable basically, right? You've decided that that's something you're not down with. Or maybe it's, um, that you really want to start an exercise program, but you still haven't yet. Like, is that sustainable? Okay.
And so what we want to do is look at what is actually happening from a very, um, you know, from a wide lens. We kind of have to step outside of our own lives sometimes and just take a look in. Okay.
And so that's what I'm suggesting that we do. We look at what's actually happening here. And so using my example, it's like, well, what was actually happening is that I was working in an environment that was in which my boss was pretty abusive to her employees.
Objectively, that's what was happening. And on a personal level, it was really triggering for me. It was really unpleasant to go to work.
I would kind of have to drag myself there. And I was starting to feel, um, kind of victimized and disempowered in my workplace. So that's the wide lens.
Like what is going on? Right. Did you notice that I didn't like spend a lot of time blaming the boss? Like I didn't spend a lot of time there. So we always want to look inward.
Right. And so the next kind of place to go is like, okay, if that's the situation, am I cool with that? Right. So it's like, is this something that I want to have happening in my life? Is it sustainable? Is it healthy over the long term? Right.
Is this how I want things to look going forward? And then the next question that you kind of want to spend some time on is like, what can I do about this situation? So for me, it's like, listen, and I say this all the time. If you and I could figure out a way to change other people, dude, wouldn't that be amazing? But we can't. The only thing we can do in a lot of situations is change ourselves.
So we can change like how we react or how we perceive, or we can change our, you know, like release some of our personalization or attachment to how things are. Right. Or we can think about the other thing is like one thing we can do in every situation and in every kind of area that we're feeling problematic in is think about how we have contributed.
So I totally contributed to that situation. And I'm learning so much right now about how we contribute to a lot of dysfunction by just being silent, by just watching. And that's what I did.
Right. My contribution was that I was silent and I'm a social worker. I'm a therapist, you guys.
So for me to sit in a room and watch that and be silent, oh, heck yeah, I was totally contributing to it. And I'm grateful for the learning that I'm doing about that right now. Right.
But at that point in my life, I did not have the skills to deal with that situation. And so, you know, when we're kind of looking at like, OK, you know, here's something. It's not good.
It's real bad. Right. And it's not sustainable.
And so you kind of have to look inward and then you kind of have to figure out, like, if you have the skills that are needed in order to deal with the situation in a way that is effective. And if you don't, that's OK. So you have a choice to make.
Are you willing to use some skills, whatever that might be, whether it's it's time for me to leave this job, whether it's I'm going to try to effect some change and be willing to go down in flames in order to do that. Yeah, that can be a choice, right? Can you change your thinking and perception about a situation to deal with it? Right. Is is part of what's going on your stuff.
And that's that's that's advanced self-help, my friends. But you can do it. Right.
Like, am I just triggered by strong women? That's something to take a look at, dude, because that could be a thing. And I did take a look at that. And so it's really interesting because what I ended up doing in this situation and then I'll kind of wrap this thing up is like I became pretty confrontational.
And I at first did it pretty privately. I would kind of say, hey, can I talk to you in your office, you know, about something? And then I would like kind of say, hey, that that situation felt really bad to me. Like what's going on? Right.
And just kind of check in, bring awareness to what was going on. And so I tried that and it was really good for me, you guys. So notice I'm just really focused on kind of my process, because, again, we don't get to change other people.
But what I did is I just started speaking up. I started speaking up in meetings that I felt like, hang on. I think we're off the issue, right? Or I would kind of point out like, I think we all need to take a deep breath.
Yeah. So I started speaking up. And so you can just bet your bottom dollar, friends, that even when you are working on it, you can't affect change in other people.
They have to do their own work. And so you just stay on your side of the road and see what's what and do the work that you can. That's where I would say you can begin.
And then you can make decisions from there. Eventually, like it, it just I wasn't able to be effective in the way that I felt like I wanted to be. And this situation just bugged, bugged me to no end.
And I ended up looking for another opportunity, like, P.S., hello, there's nothing wrong with looking for a different way to do life. Okay. And so that's where we get into you can only do your own work.
And if other people aren't kind of meeting you, that's okay. But you get to move on. Right.
And so that's true for, you know, that's true for jobs. It's true for relationships as well. Right.
Like if you have a dynamic in a relationship and it's not working out and you've done what you can do, you've done your side and tried to make the situation more sustainable and it's just not getting there. This is your life. You get to choose.
And so that's where I would say to begin. It's just start to look, look around in your life and see where there's a rub and just be willing to go there. That's personal growth work.
It's being willing to look at what's hard. And we hear that a lot. And I think it's a very vague statement.
And hopefully today I kind of gave you a better picture of what that might look like. There's a lot you can do. Right.
Dealing with situations that aren't really feeling good to you is so beneficial in the long run because you're going to be happy because you got to choose. You get to be empowered, which frankly is way healthier from an emotional standpoint and a physical standpoint. Right.
And the best thing is that your relationships get better. OK, so all you got to do is be willing to do the work. I'm here with you.
Thanks for listening. This episode is sponsored by the Anxiety Course, an online recovery program for people with anxiety as an anxiety survivor and a therapist. I've treated a lot of anxious folks, including myself.
Let's just say I've done my homework. And here's what I know. Not everyone needs therapy to deal with stress, anxiety and overwhelm.
I developed this online learning program for people that want a different option to healing. Sign up to get on the wait list at RebeccaHunterMSW.com. The link's also in the show notes. I hope you found today's show helpful.
It would mean a lot to me if you'd rate, review or subscribe so that we can reach more people with this type of information. Here's the deal. I'd like to get rid of some of the stigma around mental health.
And this is how I'm doing it. We just need to have these conversations. If you really want to dig in, join me on social media or join my private Facebook group for more tools, support and possibilities for change.
Head to the link in the show notes at RebeccaHunterMSW.com. Way to show up today.
