You are listening to Take Out Therapy, speedy sessions for everyday problems. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter. In my role as a private practice therapist, I don't really just tell people what to do, but in this podcast, I'm doing things differently.
In the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations. Keep listening for awesome tips on how to live a more intentional and less reactive life. Clearly, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I guarantee it might help you.
Listen up. Hello, people. Thank you so much for sitting in with me today for this important lesson about relationships.
I think I've wanted to talk about relationship dynamics in this context for a pretty long time, and I finally figured out kind of a way to do it in which it applies to all of us because in relationships, there's a line, right? And the line is kind of like, are we behaving in a way that's productive and healthy and loving or are we behaving in feeling in a way in which we're not connecting in our relationship? So I want to talk about this with you a little bit and with myself. So this episode is called Make Love, Not War. And what I mean by that is sometimes in relationships, we are at war.
You guys, relationships are where we choose people that we're going to do this thing with. So whether it's a friendship or a romantic partner, hey, so we get to choose, right? A lot of times we get to choose who gets to be in this process with us, who we want to be in relationships with. And those are the relationships that I'm talking about today.
We should kind of take a look on a fairly continual basis within our friendships and our romantic relationships and look at the dynamics, whether they're healthy or unhealthy or connecting or disconnecting. We should take a look at dynamics on a regular basis so we can be in healthy, connected relationships. I want to teach people about these adversarial dynamics in relationships so we can improve our connection.
So what do I mean by that? Well, not all of us learned, you know, kind of functional relationship skills growing up, right? So we need to have more education. And that is like my bottom line always. And what I do in this podcast and in my work, frankly, is I educate people about emotional development because, frankly, we're emotionally undeveloped.
We kind of miss that class in school. And so our emotional education comes from growing up and being in relationships. And so, you know, if we look back on our lives, did we learn everything we needed to know to be in romantic relationships, to be in functional friendships, right? And even to be in functional family relationships, right? So in my work as a private practice therapist, people come in a lot of times for two reasons.
Reason one is they are in a relationship that they don't think is good or healthy or is functional and they don't want to get out of it, basically. People have trouble doing one of two things, breaking up and quitting jobs. That's the other reason a lot of people come in is because they're in these kind of jobs in which they just don't want to be in the job anymore.
Frankly, it's, you know, it's not compelling or they don't like the people there, basically. Right. There's dynamics that aren't working there.
But what I see in terms of relationships, when people come into therapy and they have relationship dynamics that are unhealthy, they're really, how can I say this? People are really passionate about their relationships, but not like passion in a sexy way. Like people are all fired up about the people that they're in relationships and not in a connecting way. They are all fired up because they are at war.
They view their loved ones as their opponent in this thing. I see it all the time, all the time. I feel this way sometimes.
Don't you feel like you're sometimes within your relationships, your opponents, you're against each other. And by the way, like, doesn't that feel like crap? So let's talk about it, because what I the angle that I'd like to take on this thing today is that sometimes our relationships are just flat out underdeveloped, right? Because we come out of our biological family with what we know about relationships, which is sometimes not very much or sometimes not very functional. And then we're just like adulting, right? We're in our friendships and we're in our marriage or we're in our partnerships.
And then one day, right, we wake up and we realize, like, I don't really have the skills here to make this thing good. We feel like we're living in enemy territory. We're against each other.
And so it's just not a good indicator of relationship success. If you've followed any of the brilliant and research-based work of the Gottmans, and I'll provide a link on my website, of course, for you to further go down that rabbit hole. If you've followed any of that work, what the fundamental kind of base of knowledge is that we know about relationships is we have to have a foundation of friendship.
So yeah, it is very challenging, right, to keep that foundational like platform of friendship. We are together. We are connected.
We are buddies. So here's what that doesn't mean. It doesn't mean like we're the same.
We want all the same things. We have all the same values. That's not what friendship is.
Friendship is two very unique people coming into a partnership in which they are able to learn about difference, accept their person for how they are, and also come together and fulfill some of each other's needs. One of the things that Esther Perel talks a lot about in her work, and again, I'll link to that, is we're looking to the people that were in relationships to provide everything for us. Spend time with me, make me feel good, build me up, love me, take care of me.
We're putting all our eggs, a lot of times, in very few baskets and asking the people that we've chosen to be in relationships with to do too much, basically. So here's kind of where I want to come at this from, is that there's certain dynamics in relationships that are just flat out unhealthy that will lead us down a pathway of feeling at war with the people we're in relationships with. If we can kind of clean that up a little bit, clean up these areas of our relationships, we can be in better connected relationships, be less kind of enemy-focused, less like you're against me and I have to win kind of thing, and we can be kind of more accepting and content with each other.
So one of the first things that I see a lot as a therapist is the dynamic of jealousy in relationships. And so jealousy is, well, first of all, it's an emotion, but it's also this kind of state of being that feels very, well, there's a lack of control for one thing, right? There's a lack of knowing that things are okay, I think is kind of how I want to describe jealousy. Jealousy is a very kind of out of control feeling.
And what tends to happen in relationships where there's a lot of jealousy is there's a lot of accusations. There's a lot of me against you, right? There's accusations of flirting or cheating or like you name it, right? Looking at the grocery store clerk wrong. A lot of people talk about like this breach of not security, but like breach of privacy, basically.
Like if somebody is looking at your texts or emails without your permission or you're snoopy snooping around, the source of that might be jealousy. And that stuff is, well, frankly, it's the way we behave when we feel insecure, right? So if there's like behaviors that go along with jealousy, like constantly asking questions of each other, constantly like putting each other on the stand is kind of how I see that. That's not friendship, right? That is definitely a dynamic that pulls us apart.
If we're in a relationship with someone who's jealous, it feels really topsy turvy and it's a total setup for a lot of different dynamics. Another dynamic that I see a lot in underdeveloped relationships. And when I say underdeveloped, maybe I could just also say like immature.
Sometimes we act like kids in relationships. Frankly, sometimes we act like teenagers, right? And teenagers are just learning to have relationships. So of course, they're dealing with a lot of these underdeveloped dynamics, right? These kind of immature relationship dynamics.
But adults are too, you guys. So these things like kind of carry forward and we act childish in our relationship. So one of the other things that I see a lot is this idea about control, right? And I talked about codependency in a previous episode of the podcast.
And actually, to be honest, it's the most listened to podcast that I've done so far. So like ding, ding, ding, we got codependency issues. We all do.
I'd say flat out in the episode, we're all kind of codependent because humans need each other, right? But that line, let's talk about the line, right? The line is like when there's an attempt to influence or direct another person's behavior, either kind of covertly, right? Or just like out loud with words like no, I don't want you to do that or no, you're not allowed to do that, right? That's control, guys. And so we use control in a lot of different ways in our relationships because we're just like over here trying to get people to do what we want them to do. And so whether that's we want them to feel a certain way or we want them not to feel a certain way, or if we want them to do a certain thing or not to do a certain thing, that's control, right? And let me tell you a couple things that fall into the category of control.
I could go really deep here, but of course, you know me, I like to, I'm going to just stay on the surface and give you like the intro course to underdeveloped relationship dynamics. So avoiding difficult conversations and kind of lying, like little lies and big lies are attempts at control, right? Because if I'm avoiding a really difficult conversation that I need to have with John, what I'm doing is I'm basically like, well, he's going to be super mad about this and I don't want him to feel this mad. And so like, we're not going to have that conversation.
Instead, I will just fib. That is an attempt to control somebody else's emotions and somebody else's behavior, just to let you know. The other thing I hear a lot of is kind of this control via trapping.
Meaning when we're in difficult conversations, control comes into play where there's like not letting the other person leave if they need to, right? If I'm like, I need to tap out for a few minutes and calm down and come back into this conversation. A lot of times what I hear is like this, this dynamic of control where one person doesn't let the other person leave physically, emotionally, right? That's control. The other thing that falls under the category of control, which I think we do a lot when we're young and like a lot of people do it in adult relationships, is threats.
Threats and ultimatums. Like I'm going to leave if you blah, blah, blah. That is control, you guys.
And that doesn't build partnership. It is flat out being at war with another person. So trying to control somebody never leads to connection is kind of what I'm saying.
And I'll kind of go through my next marker. And then I'm going to talk about some things that we can do, right, in our relationships. Because this isn't like, and if you have any of these things, you ought to run for your life.
No, it's not like that. In certain relationships, I would say, yes, get on the road, friend. And in a lot of relationships, these are just dysfunctional ways that we behave in relationships.
And we need to grow up, basically. So the third dynamic that I see on the regular without fail in relationships that are underdeveloped is this idea of contempt. And I'm going to come back to the Gottman's education on this and say, like, if you haven't been educated about the healthy dynamics of relationships and things that destroy relationships, then do that.
That is just like, we need to get educated about what's healthy and what's not healthy in relationships. Contempt is basically when your friend is literally your enemy, and that's how you treat them, right? So there's like ignoring the other person. We do this nowadays.
We do this by like, if somebody says something to us that we don't like, appreciate, or want to hear, we just ignore them. We pick up our cell phone. We get on our computer.
We literally leave the room. Just so you know, like, that doesn't feel good, right? If one person is having a conversation about a difficulty within a relationship, and the other person is not contributing to that conversation, that's not okay, right? That's not connection. That's not relationship.
The other thing that comes up within this area of contempt is criticism. Did you ever think, right, that when you got into a relationship, you would have to listen to any criticism about yourself? Like, criticizing on the regular somebody that you want to be connected with is never going to get you where you want to go, right? And you know, like, we all know how criticism feels. There's a way to say something that is constructive to somebody.
Like, for example, I got a new pair of sweats the other day, and I, you know, was like kind of excited and ran upstairs. I didn't look in the mirror before I did, and I went upstairs, and I said, what do you think about these? You know, they're new. And John goes, oh, I think they're really nice pants.
I mean, I wouldn't wear them out of the house, right? And so that's a lot different than straight up criticism, which would be like, your butt looks huge in those. They look super frumpy. I went downstairs, looked in the mirror, and I was like, yeah, I probably wouldn't wear these out of the house, right? So contempt.
Contempt is like, when you act like you don't like somebody, when you roll your eyes, passive aggressive behavior, let's just throw that in the contempt bucket, guys. Passive aggressive behavior is some of the most hateful, contemptuous behavior we can use. That's just a good way to get somebody to completely take space from us.
Always assuming that somebody doesn't have your best interests at heart is also kind of a great way to tear down a relationship through contempt. Assuming somebody doesn't care for you, doesn't, or wants to hurt you, right? Assuming the worst of a person never connects us. And then I'll just say, kind of as I'm wrapping up this portion about like, what are the traits that need to get developed, and what are the signs that relationships aren't doing well? One like major red flag is fear.
And so are you safe in your relationship, emotionally and physically, to be who you are, to say what you want to say, and live your life as a grown ass person without fear of retribution? That is a big thing to consider, right? And I just want to say, if you're not safe in a relationship, that is a red flag. And then you got to figure out what you're going to do about that. That's where we kind of get into, that's where that line is, right? Safety, kind of important.
Emotional safety, physical safety, there's lots of different kinds of safety, but definitely assess your relationship in terms of safety, and then take appropriate action. So here's what I want to say. Everyone should want to be in the relationship.
So here's some ways to kind of get to brass taxes, and figure out what's going on, and get some change going. Number one is like, you have a choice. And I want to be really empowering here, because when we get in this mindset that we're stuck, nothing, it's hard to take action from there.
So if your relationship is not healthy, and you're like, yes, yes, yes, to all these dynamics, there's a couple options, right? You could stop trying to make something unhealthy work by either taking a break, right, taking some space and reassessing the relationship, meaning, yeah, go stay somewhere else, right? Or just get empowered and decide you're kind of done with it and just leave, right? You don't have to stay in unhealthy relationships. That's what I want you to know. Sometimes relationships are working, and we have some work to do, right? And sometimes they're just flat out not working, and neither one of us have the skills to make it work, which means it's done, it's over, and we need to move on, okay? And so another thing that we can do is get some help, right, from another person, from maybe from a professional, right? So I have like a, so like maybe get some therapy.
I have a little thing on my website that's like all about how to hire a therapist, like what is therapy, what is going to happen when I go there, what is that process like? It's called navigating the therapy process, it's on my website. But what I'm saying is like, if there's unhealthy dynamics in our relationships, it's your responsibility to dig into your part of that, right? So get some therapy, become self-focused, and not other-focused, because we do a lot of blaming. We do a lot of, well, they did this, and they said this, and I'm saying a therapist or a good emotional health coach can help you with this.
They can help you figure out like, well, what's going on with you in this, right? So you could do that with a professional, and then I'll just plug self-help. You guys know I'm a total advocate for self-helper, even as a therapist. Not everybody needs therapy.
So just become involved in your own personal development with the goal of figuring out why do you behave the way you do in relationships? Or the other popular question is, why are you in relationships that are like this, right? Start working on it, start getting educated, pick up a book, listen to more podcasts, go on the internet and look up unhealthy relationship dynamics. So there's a lot we can do here. Here's what I want you to know.
We cannot make anyone want to be in a relationship with us. We cannot help or fix someone who does not want our help. We cannot guarantee the longevity of any relationship.
We cannot continue being at war with the people that we love. Okay? If you're not living up to your full potential in your relationships, you can learn and change. And here's the thing, no one's going to do it for you.
So get some help, do some work, self-help books, podcasts, internet support groups, online courses, go forth, my friend. We all deserve and you deserve to be in a healthy relationship. So that's what I have to say to you today.
You deserve love. You deserve friendship. You deserve to be seen as a unique and frankly, fabulous, amazing person that you are.
And if that ain't happening, make it happen, my friend. I'm here to support you in that process. I hope this information was helpful.
Let me know and stop on by next week. I got something else juicy coming up for you. Okay.
Thanks for being here. Hey, before you go, I just want to tell you a few more ways that I can provide you with the content you might be looking for. If you're somebody who deals with overthinking, I actually have a free downloadable guide on my website about how to deal with overthinking.
I also have a guide you can download that helps people who are thinking about exploring the therapy process and it helps go from tip to tail. Like how do you hire a therapist? What kind of therapy do you need? And then just so you know, I'm all over my social media. I really enjoy providing good content on social media.
So I'm on Facebook and Instagram and it's Rebecca Hunter MSW. And then within Facebook, I offer a private group for people who are interested in learning the nuts and bolts of how to recover from anxiety. So just a reminder, I have my podcast, but I'm also here for people in a lot of different ways and just trying to get a lot of information out there.
So thanks for listening. Thanks so much for listening. This podcast is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I hope it was super helpful for you in any case.
I want to be part of some much needed change, but I'm going to need your help. Please subscribe and review the podcast, recommend it to your friends and family and share it on social media. We're living in the digital age, people.
Let's do some good where we can. All right. Visit my website at RebeccaHunterMSW.com to have access to resources, videos, and the show notes if that interests you.
And again, I'm so grateful you're listening to Take Out Therapy. Thanks.
