You are listening to Take Out Therapy, speedy sessions for everyday problems. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter. In my role as a private practice therapist, I don't really just tell people what to do, but in this podcast, I'm doing things differently.
In the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations. Keep listening for awesome tips on how to live a more intentional and less reactive life. Clearly, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I guarantee it might help you.
Listen up. Hello, my friends. I hope you are having a good day today.
As you know, I do cuss a little in this podcast, and sometimes I even title my podcasts with cuss words in it. Let's dig in, because today's podcast is an argument for the fact that sometimes it's absolutely the most appropriate thing to do to stay the fuck in bed. We need to look at staying in bed differently.
We need to listen to ourselves in our lives, not the outside world, for what we might need in every day. I use stay the eff in bed tongue in cheek and kind of not, frankly, because I am using that as an example of a way that we can take better care of ourselves, frankly, and stop this kind of cycle that we have going, where we just go and go and go and go, and there's no time for rest. When we do rest, we feel like for whatever reason, we can't rest, whether that's we don't deserve to rest, or we haven't earned a rest, or all this other absolute horseshit that we tell ourselves that tells us that somehow, in some way, just stopping, just pausing and resting is not okay.
That is what I'm talking about today, because I noticed something, friends, in my work. I notice it often. I notice it on a very deep level.
What it is, is that we are living this life to a standard that is impersonal, meaning the standard isn't about each individual, but rather a culturally created standard. It's Brene Brown, brilliant, will say we're living in comparison culture. The standard that we're living to, in one way or another, is fairly unattainable.
I talk with clients a lot about this, because basically, if you're living to a standard, if you have the yardstick, and you're the one that's measuring, and everything you do doesn't really push you forward, but rather the goal moves further out. Well, that was great, but now I'm going to do this, or that didn't make me feel the way I thought it would. I think I need something else.
If we're always pushing, pushing, pushing, then we never get to the end goal, is basically what I'm saying. Right? What happens to us when life is like this, and we're just always pushing, and we're living to the standard, and we're not really taking very good care of ourselves within that, is that it affects our mental health negatively. Let's talk about it.
That's why I want to bring this up, because, of course, we have all kinds of little cool memes on the internet about the stay the F at home, since we're in the year 2020, and that's an actual thing now. Right? We have all these funny little things about that, and it's been a roller coaster emotionally. And what I hear from a lot of people, and what I've experienced in my own life, is it's like a few good days, and then just like this mental and emotional and almost like physical exhaustion that kind of takes over sometimes for people in this current day situation.
So we're having these days that are very unusually low, basically. So I just want to tell you, right, and I'm going to get into this a little bit, that like it's okay to stay in bed, friend. It's so comfortable there, right? It's okay to take a day off from work.
Yeah, it really is. You should do that if you feel like you need to, right? And so let's talk about kind of, I want to talk about how our standards or like the way we live, particularly in the U.S., how they are right now, like what are the kind of culturally appropriate ways to do this thing, right? And then I'm going to make some revisions, if you don't mind. Part of the reason that I do this podcast is I think we need to start seeing ourselves and the world just a little bit differently.
I think just tweaking our perspective a little will make life so much more enjoyable, frankly. So one of the kind of things that I talk a lot about with people is this idea of burnout. And burnout is the result of basically people just working too hard, being way too emotionally and logistically, like too much time and too much emotion involved with their jobs to the point where they feel like they can never, they're like on a treadmill, right? And I think, and also, right, I think that that burnout happens to all of us.
Like frankly, I have definitely gone through periods of my life where I felt burnout in my home, of taking care of kids, of doing all the stuff, right? Getting all the people from place to place. So one of the standards that we have of life is like you need to be productive, right? And so productive gets pretty dangerous to our mental health, to be honest with you. So if we're like basically pushing, pushing, pushing and doing all the things, and there's a lot of things we're doing, you guys, there's a lot of stuff going on, okay? And if there's no kind of cap on that, then we're just like always doing.
And so we'll just call that like that idea that we need to be productive. I mean, I've met so many people in my life, also in my work, that feel like they can't just sit down and rest. Like it really feels awful to them.
It doesn't, it makes them feel anxious for one thing, and then they're just like hopping up and doing more things. Like, oh, I just got up and unloaded the dishwasher at 10 o'clock at night, right? So like there's this constant churn, right? And so my revision to this problem is that I just want to say like it's okay to rest. And actually, if you relax into your body a little bit when you're caught up in productivity and doing things, you might discover that you're tired, right? Or you might discover that you're, you just don't feel like it.
Like some days we have the mojo, and some days there's no mojo, right? And instead of like having to be productive, we could be like naturally inclined and inspired to decide how we want to spend our time. You know, as a business person, productivity is important too in the course of my day and in the course of my life. And so I think there's a time to be productive, and then there's a time to just go, like I think what I'm saying is there's just a time to listen, right? And say, well, does that feel like the right thing? For example, sometimes I plan out like when I'm going to record the podcast, and then I show up to record the podcast, and I don't really feel like it.
By the way, showing up means like dragging my ass out to the shed in the back of my house so I can do this. And so if I just listen to myself, then I could do something else, to be honest. If it's not a must go for me, I just float to something else.
Well, okay, what would feel good, right? And then the other kind of standard that I want to express to you is that we're not a calm culture, right? But we all are chasing calm. Like I just want to have peace. I just want to be calm, right? And so that's a tough standard, you guys, because life's difficult, and it's frankly really chaotic.
And so having that standard of calm puts us in this position of not being able to, A, like express our emotion. And then sometimes we kind of avoid just feeling emotion, which keeps us stuck, right, in this, well, frankly, in this productivity loop, okay? And so I want to tell you, ditch the goal for calm and embrace your emotions, because they'll, frankly, last shorter time if you just kind of let them come through. Like have you ever just sat and been pissed off for a few minutes, and then were like, okay, this is boring.
I'm going to do something else, right? So what I would say is like, let's get rid of the, that idea about the fact that we all need to get to peace and calm. Let's just be kind of messed up. And let's model that, right? Which brings me to my last point, which is like this thing about perfection.
It's got to go, guys. Perfection, I don't even know what to say. It's basically like every person has a perspective on what they think perfect is.
So there's no such thing, right? So it's basically like something that we think we know what it is, but like our perfect isn't somebody else's perfect, which makes it all very confusing, right? Good enough. How about, how about we just show up as we are, kind of messed up, right? A little flawed, it's late sometimes, right? And just be kind of open to receiving feedback and always kind of doing personal growth work and just like knowing that like it's a work in progress, a lifelong work in progress. And there's no such thing as perfection.
But what I'm shooting for, to me, rather than perfection, which I worked at for a while and didn't go well, I'm going to shoot for like just knowing that whatever I do is great. It's really great, right? Am I feeling good? Am I having fun? Am I inspired? Am I having some good relationships, right? Look for what there is. And then that's good enough.
Or maybe like over in this area, I need to work on that. I always got stuff I got to work on. I'm working on some stuff, right? So just can we let go of this idea about perfection? Can we just be modeling? And so many great people are out there doing this.
And if you don't know who they are, like go out there to the internet. There's some amazing things happening. If you heard my episode on Glennon Doyle, that's just, she's like the tip of the iceberg, right? So when we basically don't think it's okay to stay the F in bed, but we need to, it basically exacerbates our mental health issues.
Well, we all have mental health issues, right? We all have mental health and there are issues, okay? So when we kind of live to the standard and we don't think it's okay to just rest and like take a day off and stay the F in bed, it doesn't make us feel like we're running our own life. I'll just say that, right? The, we're just overriding what we need and doing what we have to do. And so when we do that, what happens is that we're not really listening to ourselves.
So our relationship with ourself is not always the best. I'll just say that, right? It can really, ignoring yourself on a regular basis can really deteriorate your emotional state, frankly, okay? And so, you know, sometimes we stay stuck because it seems like there's no other way, okay? And what I want to say is like, you can totally get unstuck from this idea that you have to keep going and doing and do all the things, right? So changing this idea about just listening to yourself and stay in the F in bed sometimes if you need to, it's basically like kind of helps us get unstuck, just so you know. Like when we listen to ourselves, we're not living this like prescribed standard, but rather we're living a life that's really in line with ourselves.
So, you know, I use the example, stay in bed, but really, you know what I'm talking about. And it's basically like, if you need to just take a break, if you need to unload some stuff, if they need to ask for help, if you just need to say no, right? If you need to set boundaries, if you like, I'm talking about all of life and basically this kind of idea that we have to do all the things in this certain way. It's not true, right? And for me, this really became so obvious when I had two little kids.
My boys are 16 months apart. Holy moly, it was so much work. And I was really in a bad way.
Like after my second son was born, I was super anxious for one thing. I was like a human diaper machine, you know, and the feeding. Oh, man.
Anyways, I can hardly even look back. Hey, you moms of young kids, I see you. I was anxious and kind of depressed and really overwhelmed.
And I started seeing a therapist and I was doing all the things, you guys. I was doing the sweet potato in the little ice cubes for two, you know, for two, basically. I was like a baby food factory.
I was doing all the things I wanted to do. I wanted to be a good mom and I did all the things that I was supposed to do. And holy moly, it was a lot of work.
And my therapist at the time, I was going on and on about the situation, right? Of like, I'm going to lose my mind. And she was like, listen, this is what I want you to do. I want you to go home and get a piece of paper and put it on your kitchen counter.
When you wake up in the morning, I want you to write every single thing you did that day. And I mean trips to the bathroom. I mean, you know, filled somebody's sippy cup.
I want you to write every single thing down. And I'm like, okay. Right.
And I did it. I did my homework. And I was like, oh my God.
Like one person, it is not okay for one person to do all of this. And it wasn't like, and now I look to John and say like, you're not helping. Because he was totally like, we were busting our butts.
Both of us in a lot of different ways. Of course, right? I was the, I was mom in it. He was working his butt off at his job and traveling, right? Some stuff had to go, you guys.
I had to let go of some of those standards. I had to just stay in bed sometimes. I napped every single time my kids napped.
Right. And I rested. I read to them a lot.
I play. Well, I wasn't a big like get on the floor and play with them. But we definitely played, right? I just kind of tried to slow down a little bit from feeling like I had to make all the baby food, frankly, right? Those things were killing me and I couldn't do it.
And somebody else might be able to and it was driving me crazy. So I had to listen to me, right? We can only do what we can do as individuals, basically. So if you feel like you need to stay the F in bed, just please know that you have my support 100%.
I will wave to you from my bed. I will be surrounded by books, a tasty cup of tea, and probably my headphones and my dog. So anyways, stay in bed if you have to.
Do your best. Please have a good relationship with yourself. Listen to yourself.
Know when you need to take it down a notch and do that for you. Okay, friend? I'll see you soon. Next week, we're going to talk about healthy relationships.
Some things to consider. Okay, see you soon. Hey, before you go, I just want to tell you a few more ways that I can provide you with the content you might be looking for.
If you're somebody who deals with overthinking, I actually have a free downloadable guide on my website about how to deal with overthinking. I also have a guide you can download that helps people who are thinking about exploring the therapy process, and it helps go from tip to tail. Like, how do you hire a therapist? What kind of therapy do you need? And then, just so you know, I'm all over my social media.
I really enjoy providing good content on social media. So I'm on Facebook and Instagram, and it's Rebecca Hunter MSW. And then within Facebook, I offer a private group for people who are interested in kind of learning the nuts and bolts of how to recover from anxiety.
So just a reminder, I have my podcast, but I'm also here for people in a lot of different ways and just trying to get a lot of information out there. So thanks for listening. Thanks so much for listening.
This podcast is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I hope it was super helpful for you in any case. I want to be part of some much-needed change, but I'm going to need your help. Please subscribe and review the podcast, recommend it to your friends and family, and share it on social media.
We're living in the digital age, people. Let's do some good where we can, all right? Visit my website at rebeccahuntermsw.com to have access to resources, videos, and the show notes if that interests you. And again, I'm so grateful you're listening to Take Out Therapy.
Thanks.
