You are listening to Take Out Therapy, speedy sessions for everyday problems. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter. In my role as a private practice therapist, I don't really just tell people what to do, but in this podcast, I'm doing things differently.
In the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations. Keep listening for awesome tips on how to live a more intentional and less reactive life. Clearly, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I guarantee it might help you.
Listen up. Hi there. Thanks so much for joining me today.
I think today's topic is, well, frankly, it's a long time coming. It was one of the topics that I had on my list when I first was thinking about doing my podcast. Today we are talking about codependency.
I want to give you guys a short education on codependency, knowing we could spend an entire weekend together talking about and dealing with codependency. I will say that it's interesting, codependency, that word just makes you cringe a little, whether you know what it is or not, which sometimes when I'm doing the podcast, it becomes very clear to me just how much stigma there is. Even the words around very common human-based scenarios make us feel all tight and pinched up.
Notice what happens to you as I am talking with you about codependency. What I'll say is it's a little bit triggering, you guys, because here's the deal. We're all a little codependent.
Plenty of people would disagree with me, but here's my setup for that. We're human. We need other people, you guys.
That is a good thing, but it's also very difficult to feel connected in this time we're living in when we've had a difficult setup. Any trauma of any kind would interrupt our ability to connect to each other. I want to talk about this because we're not able to have very functional relationships with ourselves or others if we don't understand codependency.
Okay, so what is codependency? Well, gosh, I'm so glad you asked. I'm going to define it in my own way and then talk about the ways in which codependency kind of presents itself in our lives. I'll describe codependency very simply as when we have the experience where we take a lot of responsibility for other people's stuff, pretty much.
That presents itself in our thinking and in our behavior. Typically, people pleasers, that's kind of codependency. People that say, like, she made me feel whatever, that can be kind of codependent.
Let's talk about what are we talking about in terms of what is codependency. Basically, we focus more on other people than we focus on ourselves. We're kind of looking outside of ourselves as a way of feeling, you know, like helpful and loved and like people care about us, right? We worry a lot about other people and we feel really responsible for them.
And in there, we basically kind of get a little squirrely with our boundaries, right? And we don't say no or we, you know, kind of attract people that need our help. So if any of this is kind of ringing a bell, there's more, but I'll just stop right there. I think you get the general idea.
We get like this, you might be scratching your head and being like, wow, I can really relate to a lot of this. Well, the way we get like this is because a lot of us just don't have role models that are emotionally independent. Basically, it's kind of like trending right now.
Whereas in like when our parents were coming up, you know, and we're just learning more all the time about the human experience. And also, you guys, this information has not been available. You know, there's sometimes in these things that I'm talking about, like there's not that many books on boundaries, just so you know, right? And so there's a few books on codependence and I will put those in the show notes that I recommend.
But I'm saying like we haven't had it role modeled to us how to be independent in relationships. And then the other thing is like we don't even really see how damaging and toxic codependency is. So because we're really busy living our lives and we understand our own story in that a lot of times.
But we don't really see kind of how it's not that helpful, how when there's problems or when things come up or we just feel really awful, like that it's connected somehow, right? To maybe a faulty story. Because codependency is basically just a very faulty story that we have. We basically get this silly idea.
And I'm kind of tongue in cheek here because I definitely have had my challenges with codependency. But we get this silly idea that it's our responsibility to keep other people emotionally comfortable, right? And also we get this idea that we are the solution to other people's problems. And so I think it's just really important to understand that if you want to take a look at how codependency lives in your life, if it lives in your life at all, some of the things to look at are like are you taking responsibility for your own feelings basically, right? And then the second question is like are you taking responsibility for someone else's feelings? So that's a conversation that we have to have with ourselves.
I recommend out loud, right? On a nice walk. That's what I do. So if you ever see me walking around town and I'm talking to myself, listen, I'm just working some stuff out.
So we want to have that conversation like what am I feeling and who's responsible for that? Okay, yeah. So that's a great question to ask. And then if we're like, well, he's responsible for that, right? Like, of course, sometimes I'm like, well, John is totally responsible for the fact that I'm super angry right now.
But honestly, like that's not true, right? And so we have to kind of dig a little bit deeper and just take responsibility for our own feelings. And then the other thing that we have to notice is like are you trying to avoid pain for like helping other people avoid pain, right? Through codependency. And so sometimes so what I mean is basically there's a reason that sometimes I overparent.
And the reason is, is because if I don't, then A, my kids will fail, right? Because when I overparent, it's because I can see the freight train coming. And I'm like, oh, my God, they're going to get a bad grade or some dumb thing that I don't even, you know, shouldn't even be worried about because it's not my business. So, you know, sometimes we're trying to avoid our own pain with that caretaking that we are doing, right? And sometimes we're trying to help other people avoid their own pain.
And so sometimes it's like, you know, that situation where you have something you want to say to somebody, but you like kind of feel bad and you know, they're going to have their feelings hurt. And it's going to be a super awkward conversation, but it's really true for you, you know, and it's important. And then you just kind of swallow it.
That's a good sign. There's some work you could be doing there. Let me tell you a little bit about how to plug away on codependency.
And by the way, you guys, there are people, you know, I love this online learning world, and there are people out there that teach people how to do some work around their codependency. You know, that's one of the things when I developed my online course, my online course actually has a huge resource sheet that's included with it, where I point people to all the other resources they could be using, you know, so it's awesome because there's amazing people out there. And I was just surfing around and found some great resources on codependency education.
So get out there and Google it. Let's talk about three ways, maybe five, I don't know, that we can kind of start to notice codependency and do something about it. Just pivot, right, in a healthier way.
So the first thing you have to do is the same thing we always have to do is like slow down, you guys, slow down. Stop interacting so quickly and listen to what your emotions are around another person, okay? So that would require you to just like maybe say, hey, can we talk about this later? Or it would require you to maybe not interact with your person on something that you haven't actually taken time out to stop and kind of look at. And then the other thing that has to happen next is like you have to put yourself first.
I know. It's so hard. We're so used to putting other people before us, but we're not going to be content in our and feel close to people and feel secure unless we're following what we need, which means we have to set boundaries.
You know, I have a whole episode on boundaries. I did it like one of the first episodes. I was like, I got to talk about boundaries.
So there's also a ton of resources about that. Set some boundaries, right? So some things like this are basically, you know, I mean, I'll just take the classic example of like a woman's making dinner for her partner, right? And they haven't agreed upon time. And then like, it's just like a no show.
And the dinner's there and she's waiting for her partner and they're not showing up. And so it's like, you know, how do you deal with that? Is it like, well, I'm just going to wait here for you? Or is it like, well, no, I'm just I'm going to wait for a time and then I'm going to eat because I'm hungry, right? So it's basically like this idea about putting yourself first and then setting that boundary. Like, what do I need? Well, I need to eat.
And like, it's OK that they're late, but I got to eat, right? And how they feel about that is their responsibility. So that's a healthy boundary, just so you know, right? I'll give you another quick example on that. When the kids were little, John would always say, like, get out, go out and do something.
If you want to go for a walk with a friend or if you want to go, you know, have dinner, glass of wine or whatever you want to do, just get out there and like get away from the kids because I was with them and, you know, they're 16 months apart. And it was like heavy. But I wouldn't go because I was like so worried that he couldn't handle it.
Which I think back on it now and it's kind of funny, but it also is a very big reality for mothers, right? Like, can he keep these kids alive? No, it's not that. It's more like, all right, is he going to get them to bed on time or is he going to feed them crap for dinner and like just all those kind of things, right? Where we start to get a little bit squirrely with like putting ourself first and setting boundaries, right? So sometimes what that means is that we just have to allow for an adjustment period because we have to sort of basically, when we start setting back, when we've been codependent and we've let people kind of walk all over us sometimes, right? Because we didn't say, no, I don't want to do that for you. Or, you know, we just did a lot of things that maybe we shouldn't have been doing.
Like, you know, waking, for example, with teens, you know, when we wake them up every morning, can they wake up on their own? It's a good boundary to explore, I suggest. But we have to allow for an adjustment period. Like people aren't happy when we set boundaries.
Like the kid's going to want you to wake them up, right? Of course, that's going to be how it is. And so we have to maintain the boundaries. And that is the most important piece about kind of healing from codependency is that we need to honor what we need in our lives.
And we have to make agreements with ourself to do that. And what that requires is for us to heal some of our trauma. So we kind of have to understand, like, how we got into this situation in the first place.
Why do we caretake too much? Or why do we say yes when we want to say no? And we have to do some work around that. And there's, again, so many resources and so many ways to do that. Yeah, well, it's one of the things that I talk about a lot in my course is like, we have to heal some stuff so that we know what's going on, right? Because when we can just see what's going on, we're like, oh, yeah, my inclination is to caretake here, but I'm not going to.
Because that doesn't put me first. And I need to have better boundaries. It's good for me.
And it's good for the people around me. Like easy peasy, right? It's personal power, you guys. So that's one of the reasons I wanted to talk about codependency is because codependency, it limits our ability, right, to have personal power and say what we want in our own lives for ourself.
So if we can break out of that pattern of codependency, we frankly, we attract much healthier people into our life. They don't expect us to do a bunch of shit for them. We shouldn't be doing in the first place.
Does that make sense? So and it's interesting because if once you learn about codependency a little bit, you start to look around and then you see it right in your workplace or in your home or in your family, in your group of friends. And so I would just say like we're all on this healing journey together. Some of us are taking it fast and some of us are taking it slow.
And some of us aren't going yet, you know, and some of us aren't going yet and they think they're already done. We just have to be open to allowing each other to come to our true self in whatever way that happens for us, right? And so let's give each other some space to grow, my friends. Come along for the ride.
Thanks for being here with me. You guys know I'm a total anxiety activist. Well, did you know that anxiety is the most common mental health diagnosis in the US? Almost 7% of our population has a reported problem with anxiety.
And let me say only around 35% of people get treatment for it. You guys, here's what I want to tell you. Anxiety is highly treatable.
You can absolutely get through it, get over it and heal from it. I created a little group on Facebook. If you have any interest in learning more about how to heal from anxiety, I'm like all fired up giving people lots of information and resources on that.
So come join us, the Anxiety Recovery Club on Facebook. Thanks. Thanks so much for listening.
This podcast is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I hope it was super helpful for you in any case. I want to be part of some much needed change, but I'm going to need your help. Please subscribe and review the podcast, recommend it to your friends and family and share it on social media.
We're living in the digital age, people. Let's do some good where we can, right? Visit my website at rebeccahuntermsw.com to have access to resources, videos and the show notes if that interests you. And again, I'm so grateful you're listening to Take Out Therapy.
Thanks.
