Hi there, you're listening to Take Out Therapy, short lessons in popular topics about emotional health. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter. I'm a therapist by day, and we don't really tell people what to do.
We listen, we validate, and we focus on helping people reach their goals. But in the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations, because sometimes we need some damn instructions. Clearly, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I guarantee you it might help.
Listen up. And if you have little people in the room, throw on some headphones, because I swear. Okay? I'm grateful you're here.
Thanks. Hi friends, thanks for joining me today. I hope you're having a great day.
But if you're not, maybe this episode will be helpful for you. Maybe you're having a bad day because you have to deal with someone who's angry. That certainly is hard on my day, when I have to deal with somebody who's angry.
I thought it would be really helpful today to give you some information about how to deal with angry people. What do you think about that? Can you think of a situation in your life where this might come in handy? Uh, yeah. Basically, let me see.
I'll make a little disclaimer and say, this episode is not how to deal with abusive or unsafe people, because that is a whole longer conversation. Right? So this particular episode is just for dealing with your average, everyday, pissed off human. I think the scenario that I'm kind of thinking of is just having a conversation with somebody in your life who you know is angry with you.
It's not a stranger, right? It's maybe like, well, you know, sometimes in relationships, we piss each other off. Sometimes. And it's like, we do one of two things.
We're either like, it's not a big deal and I'm going to let it go. Or, you know, we're like, we get mad. And so other people get mad at us too.
And sometimes we can tell. Right? So we just have to decide, like, do I want to talk about this or am I going to let it go? And I am here to say, I say, let's talk about it. Of course I say, let's talk about it.
I'm a therapist. But I think it's really good to talk to each other about our anger and why we're angry. I think it's really healthy if we have the tools to be able to do it.
So that's why I'm here, friend. I'm going to give you some tools to deal with angry people. Because, damn, they are hard to deal with.
And I say they, meaning you and me. Right? When we're angry, it's difficult to communicate. So if we're going into a situation and we know somebody is going to be angry, it's nice if we give them some tools.
So I don't know what that dinging is. I can't figure it out. And I'm not going to worry about it.
And neither are you. Thank you so much. We need tools.
Avoiding other people's anger is just not healthy, you guys. It's basically like, I just want to say, everyone can take responsibility for their own emotions. So you don't have to protect other people from their anger.
You don't have to protect yourself from getting angry or upset. Right? We can all take responsibility for our emotions. So sometimes we don't have these conversations because we just don't want to deal with all that emotion.
And that gets into a sticky place. Because when we just were avoiding strong emotion in relationships because we don't, you know, it's a pain. We don't want to go there.
But basically what's happening is we're sort of not dealing with things as we go. And then, like, I don't really have to tell you what happens when you don't deal with things along the way. It's not good.
Right? Because it all kind of comes out. But the other thing is, like, avoiding somebody who might be angry that you're in a relationship with means, like, they're not getting their needs met in the relationship. And neither are you.
And so it kind of ruins relationships, basically. It's also, you know, when we don't sort of speak up for ourselves in situations where we could, we're just, like, letting go of any boundaries we may have around our values or how we want to be treated in relationships. So you have to kind of think of it from that angle as well.
It's not great, right, to let go of our boundaries and what matters to us in relationships. Right? And plus, like, if we get some tools and we kind of learn to deal with angry people, then we can stop avoiding that. We can practice some boundaries.
And so it's, like, good practice for our other relationships, too. Right? Say, you know, somebody's pissed off at you and the relationship's, like, not going to survive it. Well, OK.
Right? So maybe go in there and have that conversation as, like, a way of expanding yourself and your own tools and your own repertoire of skills in relationships. Because here's the thing. If we want to be in relationships, we have to understand that we have to handle hard things because relationships are hard a lot of times.
Right? So avoiding situations, you know, and avoiding angry people, it just kind of gives our brain and our body this idea that we can't handle hard things. And that is something we do not want to be doing because we don't want our brain and our body to get confused about what's up. Right? But, you know, again, angry people are scary.
And I'm not talking about violent or physically unsafe people. Right? I'm not talking about abusive people. But angry people in general, they're kind of scary.
Right? And if you had I mean, not even if you had angry people growing up, but like angry people are scary to most of us. Right. And and we all respond differently.
But basically, it kind of makes they kind of make us go into fight or flight. Right. You get that whoosh in your body.
Well, basically, anytime we feel like that, what comes next is not going to be pretty because that whole fight or flight thing shuts us down. And then that's that. Right.
So when you're talking about or when you're thinking about going into a scenario with somebody who you know is angry, like, remember this. They are not their best selves. Right.
And so you can start the process by just like get some compassion going. Right. Even if you don't agree with the issue at hand, be compassionate for the state of anger that they are in, because like you've been there and you've done that.
And so have I. That's a very difficult place to be. Right. So I think it's it would be really good if we all had more tools for dealing with angry people, because then we can get our needs met.
Right. In our relationships. And we can say what we need to say, which is so important.
And and so we can get our message said. Notice I said not I didn't say get our message across, because when you're talking with someone who's angry. Right.
They're not going to maybe ingest as much of our message as we would like them to. Right. And vice versa.
Right. The other thing is, like, if we deal with angry people better, we can be better listeners. Right.
We can get we can take in information in a different way, in a less defensive way. And we can also hold some boundaries, which is awesome. So if we learn to deal with angry people, it's great boundary practice.
So let me give you some quick ways to do it. Once you get in there into the situation. Right.
Say you're entering into a conversation with someone who you know is angry with you. Right. Maybe maybe you did something to piss them off.
Right. Or maybe you feel like you didn't. But basically, their perception is right that you did something that was hurtful to them.
And so I think the first thing to do really do before you go in there is just well, first of all, breathe before, during and after, you know, good, deep breaths to let your nervous system know that you're not under attack. Right. You don't want to go into fight or flight.
And oxygen is a great tool for that. But also just as you're breathing, open your chest in this idea of like being open. Meaning there's a disagreement and you can aim for understanding.
Right. With compassion, which is like such a nice way to go into a tough conversation. And so I would also have a mantra at the ready, meaning I use the word mantra like I don't think in a formal sense or how I'm supposed to.
But what I mean is just like a little phrase that you just repeat over and over again that you make up that's empowering. Right. And so like one mantra you could keep at the ready, which I tend to keep is I will remain emotionally intelligent.
Right. And or, you know, another way to say that is like I choose to remain emotionally intelligent or I choose to behave emotionally intelligently. Right.
And you can kind of play around with words there. But having a mantra that you're that, you know, will support you in a difficult conversation is just a really kind thing to do for yourself. Right.
And then another thing to remember is just this used to be my mantra. Basically, it was this is not about me. Right.
And sometimes when we're dealing with anger, we take it really we take somebody else's anger really personally. And I would say, let's not do that. Right.
Just separate yourself out. They can have their emotions and their needs and their issues. And you can have yours and everybody owns their own.
And yes, maybe it was an action of yours that got them so hacked off in the first place. But that doesn't mean you have to own their anger and do anything about it. I hope that is a distinction that's easy to understand.
The other thing I recommend with when we're angry or dealing with an angry person is like just stay on topic. You guys, this is this is one of those things like if you don't stay on topic, the whole thing is just a shit show. And basically you came for a different reason than you left with.
And that's no good. Right. So what I would recommend is not just having that boundary of not letting the conversation go sideways on you.
Right. So if we're talking about the fact that I accidentally side swiped your car. Right.
And then you go into a whole tirade about how I, you know, suck at driving and I'm super irresponsible. Then I would just like bring it back to the situation that's like I side swiped your car. Right.
Or I bumped into your car or whatever. So anyways, that's an idea about how to stay on topic. Like don't don't play that hopping from topic to topic thing.
That's that's never helpful. And then I would say, like, just come from your heart, meaning not like super cheesy, but just like use softer emotions and softer words than you typically do. Right.
So instead of saying maybe like, well, I'm angry with you, too. You could say, you know, I'm just feeling really frustrated. That is a softer emotion than kind of an attacking emotion.
So just an idea. Pause often. In a conversation, sometimes we get out of over our skis in conversations, we get way off topic, we get super overwhelmed.
And before you know it, we're somewhere else entirely. So just pause often. And again, just breathe and maintain good boundaries.
Right. Around the conversation. And also, like, don't you know, if it's an angry person and as I said before, a safe person and they start to be really critical of you and kind of go sideways in that way.
I would say, like, gosh, I mean, let's be open to feedback, shall we? But at the same time, like perhaps this conversation is not a good place for that because we're talking about the side swiping. Right. Not how much I suck.
So that's another place where like a boundary is a great thing to be like, listen, I am totally open to your feedback, but not in this conversation. In this conversation, what I'd like to talk about is this. And if we can't do that right now, then maybe we can come back to it, you know, a little while later or tomorrow or blah, blah, blah.
So anyways, hopefully this gave you some great tools for your next conversation with an angry person. I just think it's important for us to have skills to deal with angry people because this is just another way that we can just deepen our relationships and stop avoiding each other. This is a deeper way of connecting with the people in your life and also yourself, my friend.
I hope you enjoyed this episode. I'll see you soon. Thanks so much for listening.
This podcast is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I hope it was super helpful for you in any case. I want to be part of some much needed change, but I'm going to need your help. Please subscribe and review the podcast, recommend it to your friends and family and share it on social media.
We're living in the digital age, people. Let's do some good where we can. All right.
Visit my website at RebeccaHunterMSW.com to have access to resources, videos, and the show notes if that interests you. And again, I'm so grateful you're listening to Take Out Therapy. Thanks.
