Hi there, you're listening to Take Out Therapy, short lessons in popular topics about emotional health. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter. I'm a therapist by day, and we don't really tell people what to do.
We listen, we validate, and we focus on helping people reach their goals. But in the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations, because sometimes we need some damn instructions. Clearly, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I guarantee you it might help.
Listen up. And if you have little people in the room, throw on some headphones, because I swear. Okay? I'm grateful you're here.
Thanks. Hi there, thanks so much for joining me. This is super funny.
As I sit here recording this episode, I have, well, I was just preparing my notes and stuff, and I'm kind of looking out the window of my studio, and I notice my super cutie patootie neighbors who have a very young baby across the street, and they are, it is a shit day here in Oregon. Welcome to November. And these guys are going for a walk, and as I'm sitting here, I got sort of engrossed in watching them, and they're just preparing to go on a walk, and I'm like, in my head, I'm here just like making up a little story about them, like they do look a little frustrated.
Apparently the stroller tire is a little low, and the baby's kind of squawking a little bit, and I'm just sitting here making all these assumptions about them. And then I just kind of laughed, because my episode today is about the trouble with making assumptions. Right? So anyways, my neighbors have left, and they are joyously with their darling little baby going on a walk on this shitty day.
Good on them. Anyway. So the trouble with assumptions.
Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about us basically making up shit about other people's intentions, or their thoughts, or their feelings, or their experiences. You know? Like, we make up things. We make assumptions.
Like, we think we know what's up with things and people. Right? And it's kind of painful, because a lot of times we are making assumptions about people that are negative. And I'll kind of go into that today, and we'll talk about why that is.
But the trouble with assumptions, well the trouble with assumptions frankly is that they're not the truth. They're just a bunch of bullshit. Okay.
So we'll just like start there. Right? But when we have interactions with people, or even like we're looking out the window. Right? And I might have gotten like, I totally didn't.
I got like a total love vibe from across the street. But I could have gotten like some judgment or some negative feelings going. Right? And that's super negative.
I mean, it's just like hard to interact with people when you have all these made up stories. So assumptions are just the stories that we tell ourselves, thank you Brene Brown. If you've read any Brene Brown or ever heard her speak, she'll talk about like in our heads we have a lot of stories that we tell ourselves.
And those stories a lot of times are just assumptions about how other people are or what they think or how they feel. Assumptions create a completely false reality, by the way. Right? Without having contact with people, assumptions start happening.
Basically. And without having good communication. Right? Assumptions are like, they're how we live in our heads.
You guys. It's just the constant chatter that happens. And there's a reason that we make assumptions.
Just to let you know. Like it's so human. Basically, our brain's job is to keep us safe.
And so like uncertainty is danger. And so the brain, all the brain needs to do is just fill in the blanks. So if we saw Patty in the grocery store and Patty basically saw me and then like looked away and never greeted me, I could very easily assume that Patty's either pissed off at me or I could assume like I could make it about me.
Totally. Right? Or I could assume like she's fighting with her husband again. Right? Or, you know, I can make up this entire false reality.
And then the brain feels more comfortable, basically, because it thinks it knows what's up. And so then we can just start to react. Right? React to the story that we tell ourselves that's a false reality that's just like in our head.
So that's a problem. Right? And also, we make assumptions about people because like, I don't, I can't go and ask Patty like what's up. Right? That's like, I don't like, no.
So many reasons. So many reasons. And also like maybe there's going to be conflict if it's something more serious.
Okay, what's up with that? Right? What, what happened there? Because the story that I'm telling myself, right, is that you did this thing because this is how you feel about me. And so it's very vulnerable to ask what's going on, because it's maybe conflict. But also like we're very afraid of rejection at our core as human beings.
Like every single one of us, there's nobody that's immune to being afraid of being alone. So that's the sort of driving force behind this whole human experience is that we, we are species, we actually really need each other. Unlike some other, you know, kind of like animals, non mammals, they don't like need each other the way that we do, but we do.
Right? And so the worst fear ever is rejection, loneliness, you know, lack of acceptance of belongings. But we, it's interesting because in relationships, when we're very fearful about rejection, we do tend to make a lot of assumptions about people's behavior in that storyline, right? That we're not worthy, or they don't like us, or they need space from us, because we talk too damn much, right? And so it's like, we're so afraid of it, that actually we create it due to our fear. So just like be on the lookout for that.
Because you don't want to be doing that. That's not very effective. Right? So let's try not to make assumptions.
That's super helpful. It's in the first sort of access that I had to this idea was that book, The Four Agreements, which I'll put in the show notes. Beautiful book by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Anyways, so we can experience the freedom, right, from having to figure out what's up with somebody else and their stuff by just like letting go of the idea that we need to come up with that story. Right? We can step back from situations when we decide not to make assumptions or when we come, what tends to happen, basically, is all change happens from the bottom up. So, of course, we make the assumption.
But then we back up from it. Right? And we go, oh, wait a second. Right? I think I'm making an assumption about somebody else's thinking or feelings or ideas, right, or whatever.
My dog's behavior. She's acting very strange today. I could make a lot of assumptions about that.
Right? Anyway, we can just, we can come out of it a little bit. Right? We can back up and we can figure out like, okay, well, what's going on here? What do we need? Which is great. You're gaining insight.
That's a great thing to do. Just slow down. Ask what you need.
And then we can just ask for it. You know? If it's like, I'm really confused about this interaction. It didn't feel good to me.
Can we talk about it more? Right? Because that was a shit show. Right? That is kind of a way that we can just get to know each other better. To connect.
To like really connect. And so a really important and easy peasy way to do that is when you come out of making assumptions, what you can do, and this is just from the beautiful work of Byron Katie, is say, is this true? And this doesn't follow her work precisely. I'm not going to get into that.
Byron Katie is an awesome resource. I'll put it in the show notes. But just to ask like, okay, I think I might be making an assumption.
Is what I think true? Is it 100% true? Do I know that this is true? And you know, like nine times out of ten, it's like, well, not really. And then, okay. Like then it's not a thing.
It's not true. It's a story. It's like a trance.
Right? And then just once you know if it's not true, then just mind your own side of the road, friend. Like just back up. And deal with your part of whatever it is.
Like what's going on for you? Right? Figure out what you need. Figure out how to ask for it. And then, you know, your relationships will get better.
And then the other thing is that when we come out of assumption, we let go of our what we think somebody else should think or do or say or be. And we just like accept another person's right to their own ideas and their own way of being. And that's like a better way to be in a relationship.
Because believe me you, when I'm always trying to change somebody in like who they are or how they behave in a relationship that I'm in with them, it's a no-win battle. That's a silly idea. Right? So when we let go of assuming things about other people, we open up.
We become more curious about like, well, what was that behavior about? So like you were acting weird last night. And so what was going on for you? Right? Or we had a really difficult conversation last week and I wanted to check in with you about it. Instead of just like pulling out of a relationship and making all these assumptions about how something was for the other person and what that means for you and the relationship, to just go ahead and ask, you know, is what I'm thinking true? And then just figure out what's happening for you.
Right? What you need. What you can ask for. And then be willing to just like let other people think what they think.
It's not your business. Jen Sincero wrote that in her book, You Are a Badass, which I loved. I will also put that on the show notes.
And it's true. Other people's opinions or ideas or perspective, they are not our business. And so us sitting around making assumptions about other people, that's just us living in our heads and creating a false reality.
Let's stop doing that. And then we can be in. And the point is really like, A, it stops monkey mind.
Right? Which is a real freaking problem. Because when we're busy making a lot of assumptions and stories about somebody else, there's a lot of thinking happening. But also it allows us to be in closer, more connected relationships with people where we talk about things.
So let's do that. Because that is just a much healthier, more connected way to exist. So I hope you enjoyed the information about assumptions.
I gave you some awesome resources. And would you just spread the word? You know, because like, why not? What could possibly go wrong if we all stopped assuming a bunch of things about each other? That'd be awesome. All right.
Have a great day. Thanks so much for listening. This podcast is meant to be helpful to help you learn some stuff and grow as a person and to help me fulfill my mission of opening the doors to the therapy office a bit wider so we can get rid of some of this stigma.
Life is challenging and we need all the help we can get. This podcast is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I do recommend getting some professional guidance, whether you're struggling or not. It can be a great way to learn about yourself so you can navigate life a bit easier.
I'm really excited to be a part of some change. If you like what you heard today, head on over to my website at RebeccaHunterMSW.com or go ahead and follow me on social media. I'm Rebecca Hunter and this is Take Out Therapy.
