Hi there, you're listening to Take Out Therapy, short lessons in popular topics about emotional health. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter. I'm a therapist by day, and we don't really tell people what to do.
We listen, we validate, and we focus on helping people reach their goals. But in the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations, because sometimes we need some damn instructions. Clearly, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I guarantee you it might help.
Listen up. And if you have little people in the room, throw on some headphones, because I swear. Okay? I'm grateful you're here.
Thanks. Hello, people. Thank you so much for showing up today.
I've gotten some nice, super kind messages about the podcast from people, and I want to just tell you, like, it means a lot. It really means a lot to me that people that are listening and finding this podcast helpful are reaching out. Thank you so much.
I am looking forward to discussing, I'm looking forward to communicating with you today about why your method of communication matters. The way we communicate things to each other is so important. And I think we really underestimate the effect that we have on each other with our communication when we're not being really intentional and maybe sometimes even kind of being assholes.
So that's what I want to talk about today. How not to be an asshole. Just kidding.
No, I'm going to talk about why assertive communication is really important, what that is, and how you can practice it. So there. How about that for an agenda? So we have to always be aware that our communication, our words, the look on our face, the middle finger, that is our connection to people.
The ways in which we communicate is how we connect, right? So I live in a really small town, as some of you might know. And when I'm in a mood and I go to the grocery store and I see people that I really care about, but like I'm in a mood, you know what I'm talking about? The way I communicate every single moment of every single day is my connection with people. And so it's really important, right? When I go to the grocery store that I always know that, that even though I'm having a bad day, my communication is how I connect and I can do that in a really intentional way and still get my needs met.
So it's really important because when our communication is like absent or off-putting, people disconnect from us. And I think it's really important that we just pause there and just understand that the way we communicate and all these funny things we do, right? It sometimes leads to people disconnecting from us and it's such a bummer. And so we have to get on this.
We have to understand this and we have to work on this. When we communicate clearly and effectively, we can connect. People know us.
They know what we need, why we need it, how we feel, right? When we can communicate really clearly, and I mean like words, and can I just pause there for a second and say, yes, we need to use words. People, we've got to stop trying to communicate with the people that we love in our lives with our faces. It's not working out.
Okay, that's all I want to say about that. Let's stop doing that. You and me together.
We're on it. There are so many benefits when you can really effectively communicate with people and assertively live your life, right? Because people get to know us better. And I say this a lot about a lot of the things that I teach because I'm talking about like showing up in life.
I'm talking about like, let's get real, you guys. If we get real and we say what's true for us and people don't like it, they're not our people or they could learn to be more patient or that's a great conversation, right? But can we just be real? Can we let people just know us for real? It's like, hey, dude, like that hurt my feelings. You can't just switch our pillows out anytime you want to, right? Because I get attached to a pillow.
So it hurts my feelings when you switch my pillow out, John. Yeah, and even though I could be all huffy and like just steal my pillow back and be all pissed about it and roll over and be all, you know, cranky. Instead just saying, dude, I don't really like it when you steal my pillow.
Like I can talk about an exchange. This is so important, right? There are so many benefits to assertive communication. We can get our needs met, you guys.
Then the people in our life can figure out what the hell we need without trying to get some secret Jedi code all the time. And then they can decide whether or not they're in it with us as it is, right? We can be so much more satisfied in our relationships with our friends, our coworkers, our people in our house. When we start being direct and assertive and real with what we need in our conversation, right? It just changes everything.
Like it's so much, well, frankly, it's a lot easier because I've been there with the pretending and that is so exhausting, right? But we're afraid of conflict. So there's reasons that we don't assertively communicate because, well, obviously we have to look into the past just for a hot second and think like, okay, well, how did people communicate in your family, right? What were your mom and dad's communication styles like, right? And was there conflict and what was that like, right? Our ideas about conflict are really important to consider because a lot of us, we don't like conflict. We're not trying to be all having a bunch of arguments with people.
We don't want to do that. And so one of the reasons that we don't kind of ask for our needs to be met is because we haven't been shown how to do it effectively from our role models. And then also we don't want to have conflict.
And frankly, and another thing is that in situations, like when shit's going down, it's really hard to figure out how to be assertive, especially if it hasn't been modeled. It's really hard. So especially like what I'm saying is like, if you're in the middle of something, right? At some sort of disagreement and you have this opportunity to be assertive, it's really hard to figure it out in the moment, which is why it's really good to just practice it in benign situations because we're moving really fast in this thing, in this life that we're living.
It's a whack-a-doodle out here, man. We're moving really fast. And a lot of times we don't really understand the deeper need that we have in the situation.
And so there's really great ways to just kind of begin to learn about assertive communication. So I'm not, you know, I like to keep my show really pretty short because I like to give as much information in around 15 minutes as I can. So I'm not going to do a deep dive into all about all the different kinds of communication.
Assertive communication is what we're going for. And if what assertive communication means is basically you value your own needs and you value the needs of somebody else and you take both of those things into account when looking to solve or communicate with people, right? So it means that grocery store thing, it's like assertive or like empowered communication Assertive communication is like, I'm so happy to see you. I am zonked.
I'm trying to get out of here as quick as I can, but I want to catch up with you soon. That's assertive communication. Does that make sense? I hope so.
Let's talk about it, right? So that's kind of what I'm talking about. And I'm not going to go into the other kinds of communication, but we can just go ahead from like on the top level, say it's like passive, right? Passive and then aggressive. And then we'll just throw like in there, passive, aggressive.
So maybe I'll do an episode on all the different kinds of communication. Let me know if that's something you're interested in. But if you want to communicate assertively, figure out what is happening in the situation, right? And I think that's a step that we kind of skip, right? We basically react.
So that's where I always say, you know, slow it down. You have to figure out what is happening. So you have to assess like I'm pissed because, you know, my son borrowed my car without my permission and I needed it today.
Right? That's the sort of what's happening. And then, and that's kind of the what actually happened, like the objective, the facts. And then you have to figure out what's happening in the situation from an emotional standpoint and like how it's affecting you emotionally.
Like I'm pissed, right? I feel really disrespected. I feel like my things aren't as important as whatever he has going on. Or I just feel frustrated because teenagers never think about anybody else before they think about themselves.
Right? And that's, and sometimes, yes, they do. And, but they can't do it all the time. Cause their brain's still growing that skill.
So it's like they can do it and they can do it a lot, but sometimes they don't. And that's really hard. Not that I know anything about that.
Right? So figuring out what's happening for you, the facts of the situation, then emotionally what's going on for you. And like what need or question might come up for you. So these are the steps to sort of figuring out like how you're going to come out the thing right before you come at it.
So assertive communication is hard to do kind of in the moment because there's steps to it. Right? But you got to know what's going on. You got to kind of like reflect a little bit.
So taking a step back and then coming back in with assertive communication is awesome. Whenever you can. And when you can't, it's great to go, what's my value? What's your value? Right.
And hold them both at the same level. And that that's a quicker kind of approach that I think has takes a lot of practice. And sometimes I fail.
I always expect to fail at everything. Please when you're practicing new skills, just to expect just a little bit of failure. And then I'll tell you that like very traditional approach to ice, to be assertively communicating.
And that's the I statements. And we've all heard of I statements and they piss us all off. Right.
Cause they're really hard to figure out. And so I statements are one of those things that take practice. So the reason we don't like them is because we haven't practiced enough and they sound super canned, but you can kind of adopt the theory of the I statement in your life.
Right. With a little bit of finessing, I will say. And generally like I statements are, um, well, they're basically like stating your own perspective, basically about what another person's doing.
And then perhaps, you know, there's a request that needs to be made. So that's kind of how you do an I statement. And I have, um, a little, um, I'll give the link at the end.
I have a little, um, thing, an easy, peasy guide to I statements, basically. I don't know what it's called, but anyway, um, you can follow the link, um, on the show notes and I will put that in there. And that's on my blog.
Um, I hope this episode on assertive communication has been assertively effective. Um, gosh, we do not, we are not communication professionals. Don't be hard on yourself.
It's no use. You know, I think communication is a practice. And so like, let's just practice, just practice being assertive when you can.
And if you get good at it, then you'll be able to do it in really pickly situations, which, you know, those come up, right? So anyway, I hope it was helpful. I hope you're doing well and go out there and communicate with people in your life. That's how we connect.
Go connect. Okay. Thanks for listening.
Thanks so much for listening. This podcast is meant to be helpful to help you learn some stuff and grow as a person and to help me fulfill my mission of opening the doors to the therapy office a bit wider so we can get rid of some of this stigma. Life is challenging and we need all the help we can get.
This podcast is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I do recommend getting some professional guidance, whether you're struggling or not. It can be a great way to learn about yourself so you can navigate life a bit easier. I'm really excited to be a part of some change.
If you like what you heard today, head on over to my website at RebeccaHunterMSW.com or go ahead and follow me on social media. I'm Rebecca Hunter, and this is Take Out Therapy.
