Hi there, you're listening to Take Out Therapy, short lessons in popular topics about emotional health. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter. I'm a therapist by day, and we don't really tell people what to do.
We listen, we validate, and we focus on helping people reach their goals. But in the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations, because sometimes we need some damn instructions. Clearly, this is not a substitute for therapy, but I guarantee you it might help.
Listen up. And if you have little people in the room, throw on some headphones, because I swear. Okay? I'm grateful you're here.
Thanks. Hi there, I'm so excited you've joined me for today's episode. Today's episode is a little lesson in what to do about drama.
It's so exciting. I'm basically going to solve the world crisis of drama in this episode. Just kidding.
But hopefully it'll be helpful for you. Okay? So what do I mean by drama? So first, I will do my definition of the word drama. And as you know, my definitions are pulled from not a source of information, but rather just from my own experience doing therapy and being a human being.
So yeah, no actual real structure to the definition of drama. So drama is conflict, but it ain't normal conflict, right? It's like the big kerfuffle. It's conflict when really there's some conflict avoidance going on.
And so it feels like extra awful and stormy conflict. And also one of the things about drama, I think, is that we have to understand that it's a different kind of conflict that's more consistent. Right? Like I'm going to talk about the kind of drama that's very repetitive.
Like, why is this always happening to me? Or why is this always happening with this person? Right? Okay. And so basically, let me just talk about why we would want to take a little bit of a closer look at drama, okay, in order to deal with it. First of all, we have to understand that.
And I think like, I just want to very quickly acknowledge that like, we all have drama. Okay, so yeah. So this episode, I'm going to sort of do two things.
First of all, I'm going to talk about a fictional, like that person in our life, like, you know, Aunt Susie or whoever is always like causing a kerfuffle. Right? And then also, sometimes I'll help you to kind of be introspective for yourself within that drama. Okay.
And so that's kind of the framework that I'm going to use today, just because it's kind of a complicated subject. And excuse me, I have an airplane flying over. Drama is a complicated subject.
And it actually ties into our trauma. Right? So when drama comes up in life, a lot of times it ties right into our unresolved trauma. So just like kind of knowing that really helps us to be compassionate within drama.
Right? So like, if we know that Aunt Susie, you know, she was like the kid in the family that everybody treated like crap the whole time she was growing up. Right? Then we can kind of understand that probably her existence is difficult when it comes to family. Okay.
Right? So that's what I mean. Like, that helps us to be compassionate. Right? And then when we get all wrapped up in her stuff, which is sort of how we refer to drama, we say, you know, there's so much drama there.
And I, right, it's important to be reflective in drama. Because, dude, it's not drama if you're not roped in, just so you know. So just be reflective, right? Be open to the fact that perhaps something's happening for you in the interaction that feels like something that you need to take a look at.
Right? Like, why is it that you allow Aunt Susie to sort of treat you this way? Right? So maybe that's like, of course she does that because of her trauma, her experience. Right? And we can have compassion. But then like, and what's happening for me in this? Right? And so it's just a really nice way to kind of see like how our own past shows up in our lives.
Like, well, right, my mom was always pushing boundaries. And so I just kind of stopped setting boundaries there. And now it's like sort of bleeding into the rest of the family.
Okay. Like, maybe that's why I allow Aunt Susie's drama to affect me. Does that make sense? Drama sucks.
It is like the worst kind of conflict. It's very stressful. Right? And our behavior is seldom fabulous.
Yeah. We all have drama. Right? I have caused some serious drama in my life.
Okay. I'm just copping to it right now. And also I have the capacity even today to cause drama because if I'm not being self reflective, then I could very easily get out over my skis and cause some drama in here.
Right? So self reflection, like it's important to kind of understand drama and to take a closer look at it because when we start being self reflective, it just helps us have a better relationship. Right? And be compassionate with ourselves and other people about the fact that like, it's just it's just unresolved stuff. And like we can deal with it differently than we do.
We can have less drama. We can have less falling out. Right? And so we can sort of slow down and choose but people don't really they don't really spend a lot of time being reflective in drama.
I don't think because I don't know. I mean, drama is kind of a way that we can just spin out a little bit. Right? It's a it's it's a nice opportunity for everybody to kind of just spin out.
And if we don't get a handle on it, then we find that we're like way overtaxed. And we've gone so far down the road that we're like, what, what now? Right? And so it is really important that we don't avoid conflict. Meaning, it's kind of important for us to deal with drama.
So let's talk about how we can do that. So the first thing that absolutely has to happen is you have to be curious about the drama. So you have to think to yourself, what is happening for this other person? Right? More importantly, right, if you have somewhat of an understanding, what is happening for you? Right? Because here's the problem.
We don't know what's happening for other people unless we ask them. Yeah, true that, man. I mean, I totally think I can suss people out and figure it out by reading their minds.
But like, seriously, that has not done me any favors. So a lot of times drama comes up because we're making a lot of assumptions and we're not being curious about other people's stuff. Right? And curious about our own part in things.
Why am I all wrapped up with this? Right? What is going on here? And so just understanding that's a good place for healing. Right? It's a really good place to stop and go, what is going on right now? Oh, so what I see playing out in front of me is just an opportunity for me to grow. Right? From this thing of like, or what I see playing out in front of me is just a pattern.
Right? That lack of being able to say, you know what, Aunt Susie, I can't come for Thanksgiving because I have other plans. Rather than like going or lying or avoiding or, you know, causing drama. Just being able to say no.
Right? Like you, like saying, looking at your life and going like that Aunt Susie, she causes so much drama. And then I get roped in. Right? And so one way to deal with drama is to have boundaries.
Right? To just go, nah, I don't think so. I don't think I'm going to do that. Right? And then you can step back and do a little bit of healing.
Right? Like, hey, I'm going to, like, I'm tired of not setting boundaries. I'm tired of like doing things that I don't want to do and being resentful. Or I'm tired of allowing people to treat me the way they treat me and not really do anything about it.
So one thing, you know, is like we can always take action. Yeah. So some ways to deal with drama are to, like, understand that it's trauma and be compassionate about that.
We can look inwards. We can be curious about our own, like, behavior and our own participation. We can also kind of practice getting into some healing.
Right? We can take action. We can create boundaries and move in a different direction away from drama. That's what we can do about drama.
Right? So, you guys, there is a very, very popular story that happens in my office. And I'll just talk a little bit about it quickly before I go to help you understand kind of this process in action. So people come in a lot and talk about their, like, friend groups, you know, like conflicts within their friend groups.
And frankly, like, I've totally been to therapy when I had, like, some major conflicts with friends. It's a nice place to kind of just talk things through. Right? And so here's a, like, classic setup.
Some person comes into the group that basically, like, somebody doesn't like. And then for whatever reason, that's their own stuff. Right? And then it causes, like, a bunch of drama, basically.
Like, oh, they didn't invite me. Or this person over here will have me, this person here, and then I'm not going to go. Or, you know, just all this shit.
So I will just tell you across the board, this happens with women and men. This happens across the board. This is not a gender-specific issue.
A lot of people think, oh, those women that I'm telling you, this shit happens all the time. I hear about it a lot. So it's really important to sort of, so I'll walk through.
You know, if this is something that you're experiencing, you can kind of use these skills, right, of being compassionate and understanding, like, something's going on here. Right? That's somebody's stuff that they still haven't worked through. And, like, that's okay.
Have a little compassion. Understand. Right? And then also, like, be curious.
Well, where are you in it? Right? What are you, how are you participating? Are you, like, rolling out the red carpet for this shit? Right? These two people that don't get along? Are you like, okay, well, since they don't get along, like, I'll just go with this person on Monday and this person, like, for drinks on Fridays. And then, like, there's drama. Right? And you're like, ah, I don't know.
So, like, what's happening for you that you're sort of getting involved or, like, rearranging things around this shit? Just give it some thought. What's happening for you? Right? And typically it's like, well, I don't want to be unliked or I don't want to have to be around a bunch of conflict. Right? And so you kind of have to think to yourself, okay, like, what can I do that represents, like, who I am today? Right? And what is actually happening for me today? And maybe what's happening is, like, hey, so, like, you guys are all my friends, so I'm just going to invite everybody every time.
And you'll need to work it out. Right? Like, you work that out. I'm not going to keep, you know, kind of feeling stretched in terms of who I'm going to be friends with or not.
Does that make sense? Like, you can just have a boundary and just practice not people pleasing, but rather that, like, people are in relationships because they care about you and allow them to just stay in that relationship or to go. Right? But just show up and create boundaries and practice healing and understand what happens for you in drama is really important. Right? So maybe it's got to happen.
The conversation has to happen. And so have the conversation. Just show up.
Be brave. Have the conversation. So that's just an example of a really common situation that happens with people and how we can kind of break that thing down and take a look at it and, like, deal with drama in a healed way, not in a, like, let's foster this and create more of this and encourage this.
Right? And hopefully, like, hopefully you'll have a little less drama. Right? But you always have a choice about your relationships that you want to be in. And so if there's, for whatever reason, a lot of drama for you in one of your relationships and you've done your best to resolve it with the person and it still exists, my friend, you don't have to be in the relationship.
I just want to tell you that. You don't have to. You can set some boundaries.
You can say a kind and loving goodbye and move in a different direction because it's your life. Absolutely. Yes.
This is your life. Make it good. Okay.
Thanks for listening. Thanks so much for listening. This podcast is meant to be helpful to help you learn some stuff and grow as a person and to help me fulfill my mission of opening the doors to the therapy office a bit wider so we can get rid of some of this stigma.
Life is challenging and we need all the help we can get. This podcast is not meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I do recommend getting some professional guidance whether you're struggling or not. It can be a great way to learn about yourself so you can navigate life a bit easier.
I'm really excited to be a part of some change. If you like what you heard today, head on over to my website at RebeccaHunterMSW.com or go ahead and follow me on social media. I'm Rebecca Hunter and this is Take Out Therapy.
