Hi there, you're listening to Take Out Therapy, short weekly lessons about all things mental health that you can take into your life and use. No topic will go unturned. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter.
My day job is a therapist, and we don't really just tell people what to do. We listen a lot and validate and help people reach their goals. But in the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations.
Yeah, I am going to teach you about how to have a higher level and more functional, happy life. While I'm a therapist, I'm not your therapist. If you need a therapist, go get one, friend.
But listen in as I open the door to my office in an exploration of things we all struggle with. And if you have little people in the room, you might want to throw on some headphones unless they already know all the swear words. I'm grateful you're here.
Thanks for showing up. Hi guys. Thanks for tuning in.
I really appreciate it. I am opening the door to the therapy office today, for sure, and talking about something that I talk about on a really regular basis, like kind of daily, and it's called boundaries. It's so funny.
I had a woman in my office a couple weeks ago that I've been working with for a while, and I said, she was talking about work and just like, what, how, like she's just, she's just totally overworked. She's being asked to do all this stuff that's not in her job description. She works way too much.
It's like on and on and on. It's like classic burnout. And I'm like, well, you know, we were talking about something and I said, well, what's your boundary around that? She was like, you know, I've heard this word and I have no idea what it means.
And I laugh because this is kind of how it is with some mental health stuff. Right? It's like, yeah, yeah, I know. I understand that.
But really like down deep, we're like, I don't know what the hell that is. So let's talk about boundaries, you guys. It's really important.
And I think maybe you can get an idea about boundaries from this conversation, but for sure you'll be able to go out into your life and figure out what your deal is with boundaries, where you have them, where you don't, where they need to be, where they don't really need to be. I think once you know kind of a little bit about boundaries, you can start to set some, you can start to follow other people so you can understand like what the benefit of a boundary is. So let me just tell you what a boundary is.
Let me tell you my definition. So anytime I define a term, it's my definition. It's my show, man.
I'm not using a dictionary or whatever. I'm using like years of face to face experience with other human beings. So the way I conceptualize boundaries is that boundaries are the rules and the guidelines that you use in your own life that meet up with your values and what you want out of relationships.
Okay. So boundaries, I'm going to just like keep going for a minute about this so I can properly express the exact thing that a boundary is. A boundary is a rule, right? It's not really negotiable.
A boundary is a boundary. It comes from what you need from your relationships. It helps you individuate, which means it helps you stand in your own two shoes, right? And be yourself, be really authentic in relationships.
Boundaries are what is okay with you and what is like most certainly not okay with you. And then creating structure around that. Okay.
So I think that's a pretty thorough definition of what I'm talking about when I'm talking about boundaries. And I will tell you that in our culture, I'm not sure that we're exercising good boundaries, right? We're sort of willy-nilly about boundaries and there are a lot of reasons for that. Boundaries are really important.
And let's just talk about relationships. And when I'm talking about relationships, what I'm talking about are the people that are in your life. So that includes like maybe your partner, your friends, your coworkers, and maybe your kids, if you have kids, right? And like your pets, dude, because you got to have boundaries with pets, right? Boundaries are kind of like how we discipline each other to be in a relationship with each other.
So like they're really kind. Without boundaries, things are willy-nilly, guys. If I don't have boundaries and the people I'm in relationship don't have boundaries, I don't have a lot of information to go off of, of what they like and what they don't like, right? All I am doing is kind of reacting, right? So it's really important to have boundaries and to help other people follow their boundaries or like just follow other people's boundaries.
Boundaries and kind of setting boundaries and keeping boundaries is really a loving thing to do. Especially when we talk about parenting, right? It's a way to help a child or an adult be in a better and healthier relationship with you, right? Because if somebody's, if you don't have a boundary, but somebody's already always stomping over a place where you should have a boundary, you're going to feel like shit all the time. So it's a nice way to just kind of feel better about your relationship and like show up and be seen and say like, no, this is not okay with me.
Or I need more of this, right? I need a lot of hugs. So the benefits of boundary setting is like you get to be your own person. And that's really helpful.
If you listen to last week's episode about your relationship with yourself, it's really important to have boundaries, right? In your relationship with yourself, it helps you be you. It helps you kind of know what's up with you and ask other people to be in a relationship with the real you, right? It's how we are an individual. We don't all like life to be the same way.
You know, we don't all have the same perspective. So it's, it's really a good idea to kind of have enough respect for yourself and others to set some rules, man, set some guidelines and tell people what they are. And so you're, you're kind of probably wondering like, well, this sounds like a great idea.
How come we don't, how come I haven't done this or how come I don't do more of this? And I'm going to tell you, because we avoid conflict. The brain thinks that conflict is danger, right? Because the brain doesn't know the difference between emotional danger and physical danger very well. And so like conflict, that's not safe.
Even though like most conflict is super safe. I mean, it's a pain in the ass, but it's super safe, right? Some conflict isn't safe. And when we were kids, maybe we learned that conflict isn't safe, right? So most people don't set boundaries because we're avoiding conflict where it works.
We're so going out of our way to avoid conflict. I could do a whole thing on that, but I won't. But when we set boundaries, like we feel bad, we feel bad.
And that's what people say to me a lot. I feel bad. I'm like, well, do you want to be in a relationship in which you're not getting your needs met? No.
Well, do you want to be in a relationship where you do get your needs met? Yeah. Are you willing to feel bad, right, to inform somebody else about your boundaries? So like it's a good thing to set boundaries because then even though it's a rough moment, sometimes, sometimes it's not a big deal, right? But if it's a rough moment, then like that's good information. Now people get to know more about you, right? And sometimes people feel like boundaries are self-centered.
This is a very interesting perspective and totally understandable, right? Because if I'm just like Suzy boundaries over here and like telling everybody how to behave in our relationship, that is super self-centered. So that's not what I mean by setting boundaries. What I mean by setting boundaries is sort of like knowing what's right for you and knowing what's not right for you and just like speaking to that.
And that's not self-centered. That's like, Hey, so like, I don't know. I mean, the thing that comes up for me is like, I would never be in a relationship with somebody who is a big ass grabber.
Like I'm just not a big fan of that, right? And so if I meet somebody and I really like them and they're an ass grabber, like, I'm going to have to set a boundary about that or get out of the relationship, right? So that's just an example. It's kind of a silly example. I don't really know any.
Well, actually I do know some ass grabbers, anywho. So let me tell you about how to set boundaries. And hopefully this will be really helpful for you as you kind of go out into your own life and start just like noticing, like, where do you have boundaries? Where do you need boundaries? What's up with that? Right.
So one thing to do is just kind of like start to learn about yourself and what feels good and what feels bad. Right. So last week, my podcast was about your relationship with yourself.
And I recommend if you haven't listened to it, to go ahead and go back because there's good information there for this boundary setting. Because in order to set boundaries, you have to listen to yourself. You absolutely have to trust that when you get that feeling like this is not okay with me, then it's just not.
Then it's just not okay with you. And people need to know that, right? Like in my relationships, the people that I have in my life would never want to do something that's not okay with me. Like they just wouldn't want to do that.
They're not those kind of people. And hopefully you have those people in your life too. And by the way, like abusive people hate boundaries, just so you know.
So if you have people in your life that constantly like kind of walk all over you and you're not listening to yourself and setting boundaries and going like, no, this is completely not okay with me. Then that's ruining your relationship with them and it's ruining your relationship with yourself too. So it's really important to just step back and start to listen to yourself and learn about what's okay and what's not okay.
And then you want to talk about it. We need to be having more conversations and that's kind of why I'm doing this, right? As I've said, we need to talk about things. We need to talk about boundaries.
You need to use the word boundary. Like hey friend, I'm going to set a boundary about this, right? Hey kid, my child, I need to set a boundary with you about this, right? When mommy's on the phone, you need to not try to get my attention. And this is what's going to happen if you do.
And then follow through, right? Which is the third step. It's like you need to learn about what works for you. You need to start talking with people about those things and then you got to act on it.
Because people, even though they love you and they're really sweet and they're kind and they're well-meaning, they really don't like your boundaries. They don't want you to have boundaries. They want to be how they are because it's really hard to change our behavior.
Like the brain doesn't like it. It's not like your husband doesn't care about you and he doesn't want to follow your boundaries. It's just like his brain is like, no dude, this is how we do things, right? So you kind of have to get over that and you have to set boundaries and stick to them, right? Like remind people of them.
You have to follow other people's boundaries. And always talking about it is super helpful. Like I really want to follow your boundary, right, of not yelling.
And so I'm going to leave the room right now and we can talk about this later. It would be an example of like following somebody's boundary and then having the strength and the wherewithal to keep your own boundaries, right, and saying, like if yelling is the boundary, I don't really like to be in conversations where people are yelling. And so you can just say, like, remember, I have a boundary and I don't want to solve this when we're yelling, so let's come back later, right? That would be a way of like just reinforcing the boundary, act on it.
So the kind of steps to setting and maintaining boundaries are learning about your boundaries and what your boundaries are, being willing to talk about it, and then being willing to act, right? So I'll give you an example from my own life that has really been helpful for me. And that is that when my kids were growing up, and I have two teenagers, as you know, but when they were growing up, one of my boys used to slam doors a lot. And when I was a kid, there was a lot of chaos in my house, and there was a lot of door slamming.
Okay, so remember, like the brain doesn't always remember the difference between the past and the present. And so every time when my son was little, that he would slam the door, I would literally go into fight or flight mode, which some would call being triggered. Absolutely.
Yes. Okay. So I didn't really recognize what was happening.
And then as he kind of was growing up, I was like, oh, this is not good. Like I can't do much with slamming doors. Like I really, that shuts me down.
So I sat the little fella down, right? Little fella, he was probably six or seven. And I said, listen, buddy, you know, and I told him like when I was growing up, there was a lot of door slamming and it really scared me, right? And I don't want to feel scared in my house. But sometimes when you slam the door, it scares mommy, right? And so I just want to set a boundary and a little rule in our house that we're not going to slam doors anymore.
Right. And it took a few times of me saying, right, we don't slam doors and just kind of reinforcing that boundary. Like I will not engage when doors are slammed, period.
Game over. You will not get what you want. I will.
Right. You will not get me when we slam doors. Right.
And so that's like that learning about what that what was happening for me, talking about it and then just acting on it. And that takes a few times, right, because it's hard to change our behavior. But we don't slam doors in our house anymore.
Right. We don't yell either. We don't throw things.
We're just like kind of a low key environment over here. Thank goodness. But it's because we have boundaries around it.
If I never had said that, then my son would have unknowingly, right, been slamming doors all these years and not really understanding why I was so upset. But just setting that boundary and saying, like, we don't slam doors. I can't have that.
I'm not you know, I don't I can't operate that way. It's OK. Right.
That's just letting him know me. That's letting him be in a relationship with me in which he can sort of show up in a way that suits me. Right.
And I just want to to kind of wrap this thing up. I just want to say that generally, people don't really like boundaries. And so if you find that you're without boundaries and you start setting boundaries and people aren't following your boundaries, don't get discouraged.
Keep plugging. Also, it's OK to understand that boundaries are information about our relationships. And sometimes we're not in good relationships.
So if we start setting boundaries and saying, like, don't yell at me, you know, that's a boundary or, you know, I mean, I could go on and on, right. Stop giving me work projects that aren't in my job description. No, I'm not going to work tonight.
Right. At home, if we start setting boundaries like people don't like it, people like when we don't have boundaries because, like, then they can just kind of get what they want from us. Does that make sense? And so boundaries are really important because they put us at the top of our priority list, like put yourself at the top of your priority list and set boundaries with people.
This is OK. This is not OK. Right.
And even go so far as to say, like, and I have had to do you if you want to be in a relationship with me. I need to have this boundary. Right.
It's OK, guys. Some relationships might end when you set boundaries. It's OK.
Right. Because your boundaries are you. They're the real you.
They're the empowered, authentic you. And if people can't be in a relationship with the empowered, authentic you, they got to go. That's all I have to say about boundaries today.
I could do a whole I could do a six week course on boundaries. It's complicated. Be gentle.
Be kind with yourself. Right. If you haven't set boundaries, just play around.
Set a couple that are non-negotiable and see what happens. Right. Maybe you get your needs met.
Maybe other people can relate to you better. Maybe your relationships improve. Let me know how it all works out.
OK. I'm really curious. Good luck with your boundaries.
See you next time. This podcast is meant to be helpful, to help you learn some stuff and grow as a person, and to help me fulfill my mission of opening the doors to the therapy office a little bit wider so we can get rid of some of this stigma. Life is challenging and we all need all the help we can get.
This podcast is in no way meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I recommend therapy or coaching regardless of whether you're struggling or not. It can be a great way to learn about yourself so you can navigate a bit easier. I'll see you next time.
