Hi there, you're listening to Take Out Therapy, short weekly lessons about all things mental health that you can take into your life and use. No topic will go unturned. This is your host, Rebecca Hunter.
My day job is a therapist, and we don't really just tell people what to do. We listen a lot and validate and help people reach their goals. But in the next few minutes, I'm just going to be straight up with you about what to do in certain situations.
Yeah, I am going to teach you about how to have a higher level and more functional, happy life. While I'm a therapist, I'm not your therapist. If you need a therapist, go get one, friend.
But listen in as I open the door to my office in an exploration of things we all struggle with. And if you have little people in the room, you might want to throw on some headphones unless they already know all the swear words. I'm grateful you're here.
Thanks for showing up. Hi there, friends. I hope you are having an awesome day today.
But if you're not, this episode might help you out a little bit. Today, I'm going to basically role model for you how to self help yourself like a pro, like a boss, like me, right, because I'm a therapist. And so when things happen in my life, I have feelings about them.
And I have to kind of deal with situations just like everybody else does. But I happen to have some tools that in the right mind space I use. Other times I just flip out like everybody else does.
But in this case scenario, I am going to model for you how to like self help yourself basically meaning I'm going to model for you how to deal with things when they come up in a way that is functional in the way that is being present in your life in a way that's grown up and not cray cray. So here's how I'm going to do this. I'm basically going to talk about myself and a situation that happened recently that I was really upset about that super pissed me off.
And so I'm going to kind of walk you through my situation and use it as a model to show you how in moments of stress and struggle when things happen, you can kind of deal with it in a way that meets up with your values and meets up with like, how you want to be how you want to behave how you want to treat people. So this is kind of important work right that we all need to do because we are very reactive when shit happens and that is ugly business. And I'm not saying like I sell my health, I self help myself every time.
But when I can slow things down, and figure out what's going on, then I can, okay, so, so I'll just kind of talk with you about what happened. And then I'm going to give you some ideas about how to deal with things by dealing with my own situation. So here is what is happening.
So what happened is that my I'm having a little bit of a dispute about my neighbor. And they don't know that I'm having a dispute about them because I haven't really said anything about it. But basically, I have this person that lives on my street that has a really chaotic and traumatic life that we have been kind of watching from the sidelines unfold for a long time.
And we have minded our own damn business. And so the reason that we minded our own business is because it's not our business. And we don't like to get involved in other people's business.
We just try to have good boundaries about like, what's my lane? And what's your lane? Right? And we only have so much emotional energy and by we I'm talking about my family and specifically me and john right and how we deal with things. So we kind of stay in our own lane. john does a way better job of it than I do, by the way.
But recently, this neighbor has basically taken to complaining at us about our kids behavior. And the behavior is that we have a couple teenagers and their friends come over a lot and they drive up and down our street pretty fast, actually too fast. And we've, you know, we're just like parents of teens, we're just like dealing with it as we go every day, you know, just trying to reinforce that super important and slow the hell down and all of it.
So what happened, which is sort of the first step to self helping yourself is to figure out like what happened. And so what happened is that my neighbor has been sending texts, basically these super ragey texts about this problem of the kids driving too fast. And so when we received another text this morning, I just kind of like went off, I just felt really, oh, I had so much energy, right around this thing.
And like, how dare you, right? And that is, that is what happens, you guys, when people criticize us. And especially like, that's what happens to mama bear, when somebody criticizes her cubs, right? And I can criticize my own kids, but like, don't criticize my kids. I got that I got it covered.
So I was super pissed this morning. And so I have to kind of the first kind of step is like, okay, well, what happened? Okay, well, the neighbor sent this text, and she is this number of texts have been sent. And so she's sort of poking into what I feel is our business, right? And so then I'm sort of like asking myself this question of like, what is happening for me in this exchange? Right? Like, what is so upsetting about this? What do I care? You know that she's upset about this.
And I think it's important to ask this question, like, what's happening for me right now. And this is something that you'll hear me kind of talk about quite a bit, because this is what it is to be a person who uses self examination, right? Self examination is the pathway to healing. We got to look at ourselves, friends, like we can't get out of it, unless we're just not going to pay attention to anything happening in life, we have to sort of say, what is going on for me right now.
So what's happening for me in this is, I am feeling really resentful about the fact that I have not butted into this person's business at all. And this person has some business, you know what I'm saying? A lot of business, a lot of chaos, a lot of police interaction, a lot of partying, yelling, we have never said anything, we are just like, okay, well, this is how it is, right? And we haven't wasted a lot of energy on it, either. We've just like, it's not our business.
So it's pretty simple, right? It's either your business, or it's not your business. And so I think like, for me, the feeling that I'm having is like, I'm pissed, like, I'm sort of like, wait a second, like, I thought we had a different relationship where we kind of let each other police our own lives, right? And so part of it is like, that deeper part is sort of like, is she criticizing my parenting? Right? Because that's painful. That's really parent, that's really painful for me.
And so then the question that goes a little bit further than that is like, well, what happens to me when somebody criticizes my parenting? Well, I feel like a shitty parent. Right? And that's what's happening for me is like, am I not a good parent? Is she saying I'm not a good parent? Right? And so this is a really nice place to kind of stop and say, like, we all want to be good at whatever we are, right? And when we feel like we're not doing a good job, that can be a brain bender. And what I mean by that is like, we have to sort of take the next step in the process of self helping and look at the past.
Right? And when we were kids, and we weren't doing a good job, like what happened? Right? And so when I was a kid, and I wasn't doing a good job, that felt terrible to me. And I felt like that was why I didn't get the attention that I wanted. Or that was the reason, right, that the adults in my life weren't there for me, because I wasn't like a good kid or doing a good job.
Right? And so you have to understand that the brain, to simplify this, the brain doesn't really understand the difference between the past and the present. Right? So let that sink in for a second. Because when we have feelings in our adult life, our brain thinks back to the past of like, oh, well, when's another time when I've had this feeling? Oh, yeah, like when we were a kid, remember how we were never good enough? Right? And so like, I go there, we all go there.
Okay, so remember that some of this self helping is just to learn about how your brain gets confused between the past and the present. And then what we have to do in self helping is like, bring the brain into the present moment. So how am I feeling? What's happening for me right now? I'm feeling like, upset, because I feel like maybe I'm not being a good parent.
Right? And so the next kind of step in the process is like to just say, is this true? Is this true in my present day life? Right? That I'm not enough, that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not a good parent. And I will just say that, like, I am really gentle on myself. And I'm not.
And I'm not really critical. Like I gave that up a while back. And so I'm just gonna tell you, like, I'm doing the best that I possibly can do.
And I feel like it's good enough for right now. Right? Because I know what I know. And I'm using all the tools I have.
And so no, it's not true. Right? And so the next question in the self-help yourself process is like to ask, well, what do I have control over? Okay. And so I have control over myself.
Right? I don't actually have control over whether kids drive fast down my street or not. I can ask them to slow down. But to be honest, like, they're teenagers.
They're a pain in the ass. No offense to you teens. And they'll learn.
Right? And I can talk with each kid when they come to my house and just say, like, I saw you drive in. It was a little too fast. Right? Or, hey, I really appreciate you slowing down on our street.
You know, that's what I have control over. I can't, like, go with these kids everywhere they go and instruct their driving. I cannot control my neighbor.
Right? Even though, even though I would really like to. I would really like to control her from trying to tell me what's up. Right? So something's really fiery in there on that point.
And that could be another step in my self-examination. Like, what's happening there? Right? And it's that, like, resentment about, hey, dude, like, I wasn't in your business. Like, don't be in my business.
But I'm not, like, I'm for the sake of this kind of lesson. I'm just going to stay on this kind of train of, like, when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job. What happens to me? Right? And what do I have control over? And so I can control, like, the job that I do.
Right? In parenting. And so the next, the next kind of part of self-helping yourself is to, like, regroup. So just to summarize, first, we look at the situation objectively.
And we figure out, like, what just happened. Right? And then we take some steps to self-help ourselves and say, like, what's happening for me right now? For me? How do I feel about this? Right? And then we go into, like, the history lesson, which is, like, remembering feelings from the past and the fact that this could kind of be a mix-up between the past and the present. And so then just going into that question of, like, well, is that true? Right? And really taking a look at, like, is how I feel right now the truth in my life today? Right? As an adult.
And then the last step is, like, what do I have control over here? Right? And then the next part of self-helping yourself is, like, regroup, dude. So when this happened this morning, you guys, I wrote this amazing flaming. And I do this in my notes on my cell phone.
So I kind of, like, plan to text, which, like, I'm a grown-up. I'm a therapist. So, like, I can't just be flaming texts to people.
I mean, I can if I want to, actually, I can. But I don't. And so what I do in these kinds of situations is the equivalent of journaling.
And I basically, like, write out this flaming response that helps me kind of go, ha ha, I'm so witty. Right? I have the perfect response to you. I just, like, burned you.
And then I just delete it. Right? And then I, like, kind of feel like I got, I expressed what I wanted to express without having to kind of involve the other person in my drama. And then, like, I breathe.
Right? So it's really important for us to let our bodies know when we're super elevated that we're safe. And the way you do that is oxygen. And so I just, like, put some air in there.
Right? I just sort of focus on that feeling and how it feels when I don't feel like I'm doing a good job and that I've disappointed, right, myself or somebody else. And I just kind of stay there for a moment. And I just, like, challenge you to try to stay with an emotion for any longer than about a minute, because you won't be able to.
I mean, our system moves on so quickly. It's very hard to keep focused on something. And so it's kind of a funny thing, because we're all trying to get out of emotion.
And yet the whole thing is, like, if we just experience it for a moment, it will, like, work itself out. So breathing is a great way to do that. And then just sort of feeling how you feel.
And then, again, just doing that reality check. Right? Is this true? And then just realizing, like, no, this is somebody else's trigger. Right? This is somebody else's experience getting in my life.
And then I can just, like, give that shit back to that person and move on. I can just move on. Right? And the way that I can do that is just to exercise a little discipline over my mind, which means, like, don't think about it.
Like, just stop thinking about it. So when you're trying to stop thinking about something that you can't stop thinking about, one good thing to do is to do a box breath, which is a breath where you're doing some counting. You can look that up online.
You can distract yourself. You can play some music. You can immerse yourself in the experience of being with somebody that you care about and be there instead of be thinking in your head.
So it's like just kind of like get out of your own head, basically, and allow yourself to move, move on with your behavior. Right? So that means, like, do something else. So the steps are like breathe, go back to that reality check, discipline your mind by thinking about something else and do something else.
And that's kind of how you self help yourself. Well, that's how I self help myself. If you have some ideas or a different technique that you use, will you tell me what it is? I'm always really interested to hear how people self help themselves.
Hopefully this helped you, you know, shit happens. And we can like spend a lot of time being really elevated about the silliest things about laundry, about dishes, just, you know, like living with people is really hard. Living around people is really hard.
Just sharing space with other humans sometimes kind of sucks. And so, you know, rather than sort of let your emotions lead your life, let reality of your experience and your true nature lead your life. That is my word of wisdom today.
I hope this was helpful. Thanks so much for listening. This podcast is meant to be helpful to help you learn some stuff and grow as a person and to help me fulfill my mission of opening the doors to the therapy office a little bit wider so we can get rid of some of this stigma.
Life is challenging and we all need all the help we can get. This podcast is in no way meant to be a substitute for therapy, but I recommend therapy or coaching regardless of whether you're struggling or not. It can be a great way to help you.
It can be a great way to learn about yourself so you can navigate a bit easier. I'll see you next time.
