Messy Middle
Speaker 0: Welcome to Takeout Therapy. I'm Rebecca Hunter, an anxiety specialist private practice therapist, and total mental health geek. Stick with me for the next few minutes, and I'll teach you what you need to know to have emotionally healthier and more peaceful way of life. I promise a little free mental health education can't hurt. We should have had it much earlier, but It's never too late to learn.
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Let's dig in. Well, hello there. I'm so happy you decided stop by today. You know, I have to share a little something with you today. My life is a little bit messy.
Right now. And I thought that it might be helpful to just like for me, but also yeah for you to talk about it. Because I have been feeling so meh lately. Do you ever feel like, no. I don't feel like doing that.
No. I don't have any enthusiasm for any of that. And it's just like this kind of darkish period. In my business, we call that apathy. And I can honestly tell you that I have been so drowning in apathy lately because I figured this out.
And this is partly why I wanna do this podcast because I'm just modeling for you what it looks like to get at what's going on, to get at what's deeper. And so today, You just get to hear a little bit about my life. And then hopefully, I can teach you something about your life because I'm kind of in the middle of something, and it's really good for me to be able to talk about it. In the right context to help myself come to terms with why I'm feeling so apathetic. So Are you in transition?
Have you ever been in transition? For those of you also in transition, upheaval, or the messy middle of any situation. This episode will be helpful to you. That's my hope anyway. Stick with me for the next few minutes and we'll find out together.
Hey, in case I haven't told you yet, I'm such a crafty naveen that I made you a little workbook. So not necessarily just for this episode, although I think the skills that I teach in the workbook are really helpful because they're made they're they're to help you, like, overcome messy thinking patterns, like, overthinking. We call that rumination. The workbook is, like, if you follow the instruct actions in it, you'll just kinda learn subtly how to become more present, maybe a little more focused, and hey. Potentially less scattered and overwhelmed.
So if you want us to check out my handy, handy little workbook and you haven't seen it already, head to my website. Takeouttherapy dot com and just download it. It's there for you, for free. I love I just really like designing little handouts and things, and that's just become a new time time consuming I don't wanna say a time suck because that would make it seem like I don't wanna make things for you. I do.
I just get so into it that I'm like, oh, gosh, a lot of time just went by. So anyways, back to the messy middle. Okay. So here's the deal. I'm just gonna I'm just gonna tell it to you straight up.
Here's what happened. So You know, my kids left for college and going off in the world a couple years ago. Okay. So now we're empty nesters. And that has been awesome.
No offense to the kids. But it's just like life is so much less complicated now. And and we get to think about, like, what our own needs are, which is super fun. So, of course, I always think about my kids and I'm like trying to leave them alone a little bit actually. But it's really fun being an empty nester.
And so we live in the Pacific Northwest and it's really yucky here in the winter. And so for the last three years, we've taken an extended trip in the winter just like go somewhere else. So that's been really I feel super fortunate and that's been super helpful to my mental health because, frankly, I live somewhere that's gray in the winter and my mental health tends to take a bit, come around January or sometimes February, but sometimes in October. It just depends. So we're in the empty desk phase and we're we've gone away a couple years.
And so this year, we'd leave we're leaving on I think we left on February first, and I had taken the entire month off of doing therapy, which was so awesome. I mean, it was really great because it gave me a nice break from just like doing that with people every single day, but it also like when I came back, I felt so renewed. Anyways, the night before, we were going to leave for our trip. My husband was planning on just working like he always does. From his laptop, he has been a digital nomad, whatever the heck you call those people to his entire career.
He's literally never worked in an office. Which I think super funny. Well, I mean, he has when he was young. But like, that's beside the point. Anyways, the night before we were gonna leave for our trip, My husband found out that there was a big job change for him.
And the change was that he wasn't gonna have a job anymore. You see, he's in IT. And the layoffs have been widespread. And you might be listening to me like, I know, girl because they might be affecting you too. A lot of people in the country have gotten laid off this year.
And that happens, it's part of how our economy runs, but this is the second time it's happened to us. And if you guys are in IT, you totally know what I'm talking about, this is like a normal cycle of things. So we're a little more used to it, but it comes at such a funny time because here we are. We don't have any kids and we're kind of footloose and Fancy free, and so we kind of look to each other and we're like, okay. I guess we'll just go on our winter trip, and when we come back, we'll figure this out.
Well, friends, we paused. We just kind of paused the conversation. My my partner processed the loss, talked through it with colleagues and friends and family, and we just paused on, like, what's next. We just figured, we'll just decide that later. Thank God for severance in IT.
And we're a little older. And so we're kinda close to thinking about being close to retirement. So the pause has basically shifted into this very long pause where we're actually thinking about adjusting our life ahead of schedule because you know how life is Like, you plan out, how you want everything to be. And then, yeah, it kinda doesn't happen that way. It happens on its own schedule.
On its own with its own content, sometimes in complete reverse as we were hoping for. So What's happening now is that the hunters are in the messy middle of a full on life regroup. We are right now considering our options. And I've got to say, it feels like the messy middle to me because we still really don't know what we wanna do. I know I'm giving up my office and going completely remote in September.
And we know that we want to have a different experience, which we were always planning on in retirement but now we have this weird opportunity to make a move. And so I think we're going to relocate and we think we wanna go to the southwest, but we're unsure. So this is what the messy middle is. And do you know my friend, that when we're in turmoil such as this, and I'm talking about the gentlest kind of turmoil aren't I? This is like transition by choice.
And I know that many of you have been asked to transition and it was not your choice. And that too has a messy middle because in the middle of these unknown situations, our mental health gets really impacted. Like I say, mind's not in good shape right now. So are you in the messy middle of something? Some kind of transition or some shift about to happen or in the middle of happening?
Is your brain on overdrive? Because mine is. So that's one of the ways that I know. That my mental health is impacted. And just like physical health.
Right? When we eat something that's rotten, And then our GI system is like, no, thank you, my friend. We know that our physical health is not so good right that second. That's our indication. So there are just as strong indicators, just as obvious indicators that we've got some mental health work to do.
As people think mental health is like so different than physical health, and it is, but it's kinda not. It's just health, and you have to maintain your health. And there's ways that we maintain health. And one of the symptoms of climbing mental health is brain on overdrive. I am so there right now.
I have also, and you know, if you've been listening to podcasts, I describe myself as recovered from anxiety. And I have had more anxiety in the past couple weeks than I have had in such a long time. Thank goodness. I know what to do about it. But still, it's miserable to feel that way all the time and sort of be, you know, like, not everything's fixable.
Right? Like, sometimes we're just kinda anxious and it's pretty normal and it's really appropriate. I've also been really emotional And if you surveyed the people in my house, they would wholeheartedly agree. A lot of tears a lot of kinda just like snap ish rude behavior to the people in my family for which I'm for I've had to paddle backwards and re you know, kind of redo it and just say I'm in a tough spot right now. I'm doing my best in that with not my best, but, you know, I'm I'm circling back.
So, thank goodness I live with tolerant people. Because I'm tolerant of their stuff too, just so you know. So here's the deal. I'm kind of suffering. I'm in the messy middle of some kind of giant transition.
In my work life, in my personal life, and I feel like everything is kind of on its head right now. So I thought I would share with you my plan to stay sane and take care of my mental health through this situation. Okay? So again, if you're in the messy middle, this would be helpful for you. So what I have been doing is coming back to my home base, my very favorite home base.
You probably know what it is. It's just breath. It's air. Because air is one of the only ways that we can inform our nervous system that, yes, I'm in the messy metal, but no, I'm not actually in danger. Right?
And even if the middle or the mass is just absolutely brutal and much much more serious than what I'm going through right now. And please, most stuff is. Right? Because again, this is sort of a by choice disruption. And so much of life isn't that way.
But just remember that your breath is your buddy. It'll calm your buns down. So that you can use the whole extent of your being to navigate whatever's going on. So I'm doing a lot of practicing my breathing, and I'm excited because this month in the Takeout Therapy Club, we're doing three d breath. That's one of the vital life skills that I'm teaching, and I love three d breath.
And so I've been working on that quite a bit. And it's just basically like this breath which and if you wanna see a video of me demonstrating three deep breath, come join the club. But basically, three deep breath as you breathe, front and back, side to side, and up and down, and then all at once. And it's really just super, super helpful for calming down that nervous system. And always the extension of the out breath.
Just brings into notice the parasympathetic nervous system. So practicing my breathing this week has gotten really key. And I tell you, it's so funny because people get kinda packed off and annoyed with me because I'm always like, how is your breathing? They're like, yeah. I mean, I'm trying, but, like, yeah, let's talk about what's actually going on.
But I'm telling you friend, like, the breathing part is really important, and we just can't keep minimizing the importance of getting good breath. Okay. So the second thing that I'm doing in the middle of my messy middle, part of my plan is non attachment exploration. So here's what I've really been working on during this process. And it's super hard and I make mistakes all the time.mistakes being, like, not actual real mistakes.
But just like not being nonattached, which means being attached. And what we're doing is we're just kind of like throwing out ideas about our life and what we wanna create, what we wanna do next, where we might wanna go, the structure of our work, whatever, whatever. And we're just kind of like marinating in it without attaching to it. Interesting, you say? And I'm telling you, it's a little difficult but it's a really nice way to explore ideas without kind of feeling like you're gonna do each idea and lack wrapsing into planning detail because that's not helpful.
That leads to overwhelm. Don't do that. Okay? Non attachment expiration? It's like, what are all the ideas in this situation that could happen?
Could be helpful. Right? So if you're in the messy middle, sometimes it's really hard to see that really difficult moments in life. Our opportunities. And I know we could argue about that all day, my friend, and I'll win every time because there's always opportunity in every miserable situation.
Even if it's like learning about yourself and what you need, what you need to do for yourself. Right? And so it's important in every situation to sort of look for what's needed, look for an opportunity, and not necessarily attached to each idea about an opportunity. It's kinda like brainstorming. Did you ever brainstorm in high school where you just write all the stuff up on the board and kinda laugh about the silly ones, but they don't get erased.
They get to stay up on the board. So we've been kind of marinating, like, for a while, we were marinating on this one place. We're thinking about moving. And then, like, one day to a couple weeks in, we'd been looking online at real estate and looking at I was kinda looking around to see, like, what am I gonna do with my time and blah blah blah. Anyway, so we just kinda looked at each other and we're like, no.
Not in it. Doesn't resonate. So we're looking for resonance. And so that's the other, like, plan here. Is, I can't do anything in my life.
If it doesn't if it's not a yes, if I'm not sure, if it's too vague to be a yes, then it's a no for me. That's kind of my value system. And so what that requires of me is that I have to keep an open mind. And so that's another thing that I just wanna, like, throw in there is that when we're in the messy middle, whether it be a mid life crisis or not, It's good to keep an open mind. It's good to kind of not make statements, but ask questions instead.
That's a way to have an open mind. Right? Like, I don't like this place as a different statement than what would be better for me than this? Yeah. Like, what what am I really looking for in a place if this isn't it?
That's how you have an open mind. You have to be curious. So and then my other commitment is, like, I'm just being really authentic. Like, I don't really know what's happening. So when my clients asked me in session, I'm like, I have no I don't have no idea.
And, yes, that does sound like the therapist going off the rails. But you know what? It's authentic. I don't know what we're gonna do or where we're gonna go. But I only know they were going somewhere and we're doing something.
And for right now, I just have to be authentic about that and know that that's all that resonates right now and I'll know more later. The great news is we're gonna take a long trip and we're gonna go look at some places. So don't worry. We'll end up somewhere. And then my last piece of, like, guidance for myself or, like, I need to remind myself of this and I wanted to remind you of this too, is that life is like it throws us some serious curveballs.
This was not planned, we were just plugging along, doing our thing, and making long term plans, but no real short term plans, and then like things happen. And so for me, I have to remember, like, why it's okay with me that things are happening. Like, why is it why am I looking for change? And so I'll just say, like, for me, a couple things that really stick out. My why is my I really want to have adventure and beauty and love in my life.
Like, that is my wife for most everything, to be honest. And so if life is an adventure, I kinda just like wanna go live somewhere else for a while and see what that would be like. It feels like an adventure for me and I get to take my love with me. The puppy, you know? No.
I mean, the husband, whatever. Anyways, another why is that I think, again, like, I I just go back to my why of, like, there's an opportunity for something new and different here. And just because it didn't fall on my timeline, who cares? I'm open to it. And so that's part of my why too.
It's like, because I want to roll with life. I don't wanna get stock. I have a tendency to get stuck, to be honest. Do you? It's not hard to do.
It's been really helpful for me. I can already feel like this kind of breaking up this bubbling happening in my chest. It's been so helpful for me to talk through this with you. Specifically, I think it's really helpful to talk about the why. And perhaps I should have done that first, but that was the part that really reminded me like Right.
Life is an adventure. And on adventures, unplanned things happen. And we don't always know what's next, but that is my why for pretty much all the stuff that I do in my life because I like to have fun. And I think adventures are a great way to have fun. So don't worry about me, Fred.
I'm on the adventure right here beside you. And if you are in the messy middle along with me, I just send you my rainbow and I tell you you can totally handle this. Just remember, to listen to yourself all through the process. That's the most important part. Okay.
I'll see you guys again soon. Bye. I'm so glad you joined me today, and I hope it was helpful. Always make sure to get the appropriate level of help for your unique situation. Check out the resources at takeouttherapy dot com, and hopefully you can find something there.
As always, thanks so much for showing up and doing your work, which in a way changes the level of emotional element in your community, in your town, even in the world, yeah, it's kind of a big deal. This podcast is intended as education and prevention, not med goal or mental health treatment. See you next time.