The Deeper Truth
Welcome to Takeout Therapy. I'm Rebecca Hunter, an anxiety specialist private practice therapist, and total mental health geek. Stick with me for the next few minutes, and I'll teach you what you need to know to have emotionally healthier and more peaceful way of life. I promise a little free mental health education can't hurt. We should have had it much earlier, but It's never too late to learn.
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Let's dig in. Well, hello there. I'm glad you showed up today. Do for wonder about the deeper meaning of things, you know, like, the everyday content of life, we're always just talking about that. Right?
Like who went where? Who said what? Who behaved what? How we felt how we behaved. But you know, sometimes it's a little bit deeper than that.
This episode is all about learning to show up, look at ourselves, be more present and observe others and ourselves, from a way, different angle. So if you wanna get out of, like, the everyday content, and really start to understand what's actually happening. Stick with me. I'll help you out with that. But first, I wanna invite you to learn what I teach people in my sessions for free with a handy, dandy little visual guide that I put together to help you stop your rambling mind and calm your afraid nerves using these, like, really proven Evidence based, sometimes, sometimes not mindfulness based skills.
Easy peasy. I put it all together for you so you don't have to do your own research. Feel free to download it at takeout therapy dot com. So here's the thing. In our relationships and in our interactions with other people, we get really wrapped up in the content.
What do
Speaker 1: I mean by that?
Speaker 0: You know, like, if you're in a relationship and you, like, for example, you go out on a date and you get in some little tip about some stupid things. Some somebody said something and then the other person's all hacked off. And then you basically end up in this night long festival of arguing about, god knows what? I don't know. Has this ever happened to you?
You know, it's funny when we were raising our boys and they were real young. We always had this great big her name was Meg, a babysitter. She was this twenty year old gal who would come over and, you know, my kids are sixteen months apart, so it was full on May hap. At our house. And we get Meg and she'd come over and babysit these cranky, silly little pumpkin heads.
And we'd go out to a nice restaurant and getting a big old fight about nothing. Right? But it wasn't about nothing. That's what I wanna tell you today. It's never about nothing.
So when you're looking at other people, whether it's your coworker and you're just kind of scratching your head going, why On Earth, do you act like that? Or your boss maybe? Uh-huh. This will help you, or if the person you're in a relationship with tends to get involved in some pattern based behavior. Perhaps this exercise will help you to not so much solve it, but under stand that there's something deep deeper going on under the surface.
Okay? So that's what we're doing today. Because when we forget that things are deeper than they look, We argue about really silly things. We make assumptions about each other. Don't we?
And we give things meaning. We give certain behaviors meaning. Right? Like, my famous one is, unfortunately, my husband never wipes the counters. And I laugh over the years because at times, I was stressed out and I was overwhelmed.
And I gave it my own meaning. Like, maybe he doesn't care about this. Maybe he doesn't care about meaning. Maybe he doesn't see how hard I work. Right?
So we have to look at ourselves, and we have to look at each other. And we have to understand that there's more to it than meets the eye. Because when we forget this, we disconnect from each other. Right? We we make assumptions.
We make silly meanings about people's behavior, and we just disconnect whether it's a friendship or a kid Right? Kids are so weird. If you're a parent, I
Speaker 1: know you can back me up.
Speaker 0: When those kids are so odd. They just aren't like adults. Are they now? They express their needs in such sometimes really interesting and odd and backwards ways. And if we get all wrapped up and like our judgment about that, we miss the meaning.
Right? If we get all wrapped up and You know, I remember the toddler face. They just chuck food. Oh, god. They just chuck food everywhere.
It was terrible. I had two of them at once. And we and we are like, something is wrong here. They're trying to mess with me. We have about right.
We have all this inner dialogue. About it, but what's underneath? I can look back at fifty and very clearly say, all those little boys were saying is, come on, let's play. Come on, mama, let's play. It's just like my puppy now.
Only I get it. Right? Because I'm looking a little deeper than the surface of things. So how do we do it? Rebecca, how do we do it?
I know you wanna know. I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help us both because I do think, like, this episode is a reminder for us all. To just, like, remember there's more to it than that. Right?
The way your mom acts or the way your dad talks to or the way the person at the grocery store, you know, all the things. There's more to it than that. And if we get what's at what's going on underneath, we can just be more at peace, frankly, because I think when we make assumptions and we, you know, just like argue and criticize and make meaning and all this, like, it just kinda ruins everything. Right? It just tears at everything.
So here's what I'll say. No judgment here. There is no judgment here. So when something's going on, I think we get really caught up in our opinion about ourselves or somebody else about what's going on. And it's really easier if we go with empathy, which is literally the opposite of judgment.
Empathy is like, I hear you. I understand. It's being willing to, like, be kind about it. Okay? So if we wanna get what's at the what's underneath in a situation, whether it's a silly argument or it's a dynamic in a relationship, judgment's not gonna be helpful.
But trying to be trying to, like, understand is. And nobody ever loves to hear this part, but start with you. I know. It's so much easier when we're in it with somebody to be like, what? This person is blah blah blah blah and this is what they have going on.
But my friend, it never helps because we don't know. It's not our business and it doesn't help us to, like, try to figure out what the hell is going on with somebody else. It always starts with you asking for deeper meaning like, trying to get at what's underneath these sometimes silly situations is all about understanding ourselves and others better. Okay? So start with you.
So it's like, I think what I kind of do is like, okay. Like, whenever this thing happens, this is how it makes me feel. Right? Or this is the meaning that I make from that. Or I assume that.
Right? So here's a silly example from the life of a therapist. No shows. Every now and again, not very often at all because I'm pretty strict about policy. I got boundaries, people, boundaries.
But every now and again, somebody, no shows. And so on their side, it makes good sense. Right? Because they got their own stuff going on. That I know about, that isn't my business.
But on my side of things, I can get my feelings hurt. Right? I don't really get my feelings hurt, but I'm just using this as an example of being like, well, Right? Like, how could somebody disrespect my time? Or maybe they don't care about this, you know, their therapy or blah blah.
Like, I could say a million thing. Right? But if I really want to understand myself, I have to kind of go, like, what's going on with you? Right? And the first place to start is me.
When people know show, it makes me feel a little bit frustrated. Right? Of course. I mean, I do have feelings. Does it have to mean something?
Do I have to assume something about somebody else? Or do I have to leave my day in that moment of just minor frustration? No. Not really. I'm frustrated for, like, I don't know, three seconds, and then I'm, like, unfortunately, I have to charge their car and move on with my life.
Because that's our agreement with each other. It's a boundary that I've already set. And as hard as it sometimes is to enforce, I just have to let it go with that. So it always, always, always helps to understand what's going on if you just pause and start with yourself. Especially when you're having a hard time with something, you're having difficult emotion, it doesn't always have to be with somebody else.
Right? And then what you wanna do is play the y game. Now, I will give you a little bit of a warning that the why game is optional because it's a little bit more confrontation So if you're somebody who's up for confrontation with yourself, you'll like the why game. It's just game we play in therapy a lot. And it's like, well, when this happens, then this is what I think blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then the therapy purpose says, well, how come?
Right? And then we go, well, because when I feel blah blah blah, and this makes me feel doodle loo. And the therapist says, why? And because when I feel doodle loo, see I'm like digging digging digging. Right?
So if, like, I have this friend. Who kind of is pretty flaky? We make plans and then they don't show up or it's like, oh, last minute, I can't do this. And it's like, it's okay. I don't you know, like, at the core of it, I understand.
We're both grown ups. But when it happens, I get kinda hacked off and I feel really resentful. Right? And if I dig into that a little bit, Here I am having this conflict about somebody else. Kindly not respecting my time.
Kindly not respecting my boundaries. I'll get to that. But first, with me. I say, when somebody knows shows, right, like when a friend doesn't show up for coffee, I feel like they don't care about my time. Well, why?
How come? Well because when somebody doesn't respect my time, then I'll feel like they little they care about me. Wow. Well, Okay? How come you think they don't care about you?
Because they don't respect your time. Right? And you just dig and dig because if they respected my time, you know, then I would know that they were a good friend. They're not saying what they were gonna do. You know, they're not showing up and doing what said they were gonna do, it just helps the y game, kinda helps to just dig deeper, dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig.
You can do this with your friends too. They won't like it. Don't do it with your partner. Now I'm kidding. Always ask why.
Why not? So play the why game. Start with yourself. Always you first. And then the question becomes, can you start to get some change going in this area of your life?
When you dig into the deeper context. Right? I'll give you a classic relationship setup. And this is just a a really classic set up from Sue Johnson's hold me tight, done really mess which is basically the idea of relationships in loving, vulnerable relationships We really want somebody to see our our core self. It's a vulnerable place to be in love.
Isn't it? Kinda feels like somebody could just take our hard out and run away with it. And so the question becomes, right, of, like, this funny way that we try to engage each other. So oftentimes when one partner feels that another partner has kind of like lost their presence within the relationship. They'll kind of come at the other person in ways that are super, like, connecting.
Right? Like, can you wipe the counter? That'd be me. Now, So we kind of like pick pick pick and then what does the other person do? They disconnect further.
And we could get really lost in the content. Right? We can be like, well, I asked him to do the laundry and he totally blew me up. And now he's outgoing with his friends and this is what happened and this is, you know, kinda what happens in therapies that people really are at the level of content because they're frustrated and they're like, what the heck is up with this person's behavior? And so this is what we do.
We say. Right? When you see him disappear, What happens to you? Right? Well, I try to, you know, kinda go in there and and reengage him.
Okay? How come? And how are you doing that? So there has to be like this base level of empathy Right? Because I'm not being like, well, why are you doing that?
That's not working? Non judgment? And like, curiosity. Because there's always something that will work better. If you guys haven't read, oh, gosh, now I'm not gonna be able to tell you what it is.
It's Sue Johnson's Oh, hold me tight. Great book about all these silly silly dances that we do in relationships based on deeper meaning, connection, love, abandonment, Right? We lead our relationships in ways that reflect what we've been through in relationships before. So there's always something deeper and there's always a need there that if we can be empathic and nonjudgmental, then we can get to what it is and hopefully get it met through our own behavior our own nutrients of ourselves or perhaps sometimes even through a request of our partner if they have that to give. To us in the way that we need it.
Right? Like, it's not somebody else's responsibility to fulfill our what's underneath. It's ours. And so you can start to do that by just showing up. Being more present in your life, observing yourself and others from this totally different angle of like, what's really going on here?
Because it's always something interesting. Okay. I hope you enjoyed today's little pop of work and I will see you soon. Take care of yourselves. I'm so glad you joined me today, and I hope it was helpful.
Always make sure to get the appropriate level of help for your unique situation. Check out the resources at takeout therapy dot com, and hopefully you can find something there. As always, thanks so much for going up and doing your work, which in a way changes the level of emotional development in your community, in your town, even in the world, yeah, it's kind of a big deal. This podcast is intended as education and prevention, not medical or mental health treatment. See you next time.
