Words Go There
Speaker 0: Well, hello there. I hope today's podcast finds you in a place where you're feeling open and ready to take on a challenge. Because I have a challenge for you. I'm really fixated right now on thinking about communication. And, like, all these things we do in communication within our relationships that are just so bonkers.
We're not we're not always really very good at communication. Are we? And one of the problems that comes up so much of the time in the therapy office is has to do with the lack of communication. And specifically, a lack of actual words where they should go, meaning words go there. So much of the time We are trying to communicate without using any words.
How do we do this? Oh, we make hints. We're like, well, whatever whatever you think. Right? We act passive.
We let somebody else look totally drive the whole thing. And then we're like pissed off because they're bad drivers. Right? Words go there. We assume that people know what we think and feel.
Ugh, I wish that were the case, but having been married for an EON, it ain't gonna happen. Words go there. We trust the process. And I love the idea of trusting the freaking process, but words go there. Trusting the process doesn't mean not talking about the process.
Being in relationship in any way, shape, or form does not mean that we don't talk about the relationship. And again, one of the major issues that we all as therapists, if you're a therapist, you know what I'm talking about, we all run across this day after day. And it is basically people are trying to conduct close relationships without talking. So today, my friend, I have a gift for you. Words go there.
Words. Words are the best way to communicate in relationships at work, with your partner, with your buddy, with your kid, with your spouse, with your mother, words. Words go there. With the customer service people, just use your words. It's okay.
So here's when I wanna help you with, and I'm gonna do it quickly today. Because I have a very important question for you. When there's a situation, within your relationship that rubs you the wrong way. What keeps you from communicating? Where are you in that situation?
Are you like a lot of people and you're trying to work out the situation without talking about it. Because if this is you, I'm gonna help us both out to day. I do this all the time. I try to work out situations on my side of things without communicating with the people in my You know, I have had entire relationships just vaporized due to lack of communication about things. And whether that's on my part, yes.
Totally. I coped to it. Absolutely. Or whether it's on the other side, Why can't we use our words? Why can't we just say I need a break?
I need things to change? This doesn't feel good to me. Can we talk about this a little bit? I'd like to compromise better, whatever it is. I don't feel like I have good work life balance.
We don't talk to our bosses about the crappy cultures that we work in. We just don't talk about it. There are no works. And so people continue to work in toxic works environments. Right?
Yeah. And it goes on and it goes on and it goes on and I'll tell you today. There are words that go here. And you and I are both capable of coming up with them and shooting them out of our mouth in a non violent way, of course. But how do we do it?
First, we need to understand that we need to be accountable and take up space. Be accountable for taking up our own space in relationships. Listen. If you're somebody who's like, well, I don't really do conflict. I'm with you.
I cannot stand conflict. But there are words that go there and you not saying the words means that you're not in the relationship. You're not able to, like, show up and be part of things. So guess what will happen? Things aren't gonna go your way.
Things might not even go any which way. You know what I'm saying? Words go there. And and we have the capacity to figure out what they are. Here's how we do it.
Okay. So if you have a situation that this podcast episode is like, oh, Rebekah, you must have been looking in my window. I am not looking in your window. I promise that's creepy. But I see a lot of this stuff and I have a lot of it in my own life as well.
So if you can conjure up a situation, that's going on for you right now that you're like, well, I don't really like the way this whole situation is. Maybe it's a pattern, maybe it's something at work, Maybe it's something with one of your kids or just something going on in your life that's like getting on your nerves that you don't have a lot of words around. Right? Where are you? What's keeping you from communicating within this situation?
Start with yourself and understand that when you don't start with yourself, you're not doing your own work. You're maybe doing somebody else's for them. It's just super nice. I can always, you know, figure out what's going on with the other people and every interaction that I'm in. It takes a little more time and presence and introspection to figure out what might be happening with ourselves.
Around this idea that there are words that we need to be saying. And not saying them has such a negative impact on ourselves and in our relationship. So start with you. I'm digging into communication right now in the Takeout Therapy Club. So if you have any inclination to improve your communications skills, hop on over to takeout therapy dot com, and join my monthly membership.
It's super inexpensive. And you're gonna get a mental health butt kicking. But that's a resource. Right? So look into your resources on, like, how do I look at myself in regards to my communication?
Because we all have like a communication style. We have some patterns that we engage in, start with you. Start with being present and noticing like, I am really not liking how this situation is and yet I haven't said a thing about it to anybody that can impact change. That's another thing we do. Isn't it?
We, like, go around? We're, like, okay. Well, I don't really like the structure. This, like, thing where people keep piling things onto my job that are not my job description. But, like, I'm not gonna talk to my boss about that.
I'm gonna go over here and talk to my office made about that. I'm gonna go over to the other department and talk to a few people about it over there. So instead of just like putting the communication where it needs to go, which is to the right person who can affect change, we gotta look at ourselves and say, what am I doing that might be contributing to this situation? What's keeping me from communicating directly? Using words?
Using words? Right? Not like, oh, well, I called in sick three times, and so my boss should know that I'm hacked off. Nope. So that words, those are not words.
That is an action that you're hoping that a person might interpret to mean what you mean that it will mean. And I'm telling you that it's not communication and it never works out very well. It's never worked for me. And yet, again and again, we try these silly little things. Just begin again, start with you.
And figure out, like, what's happening for me? What am I feeling? Feelings. I know. It always comes down with figuring out how we feel about things.
But if something's going on at work, say you work with somebody who's, like, kinda condescending and it's kinda getting on your nerves every single day of your life. You have to start with like how you're feeling about the situation. Because when you just start with like what you think about it, you're like oh, this person's such a jerk and they just think they know everything and they're trying to tell me how to do my job. Like, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. None of that matters. There's nothing you can do about any of that.
How do you feel about it? Well, okay. Now we can get somewhere. We can say, well, I don't I feel condescended. I feel let's see.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel frustrated. I feel confused as to why somebody else thinks I don't know how to do my job. Right? I feel a little incapable.
I feel embarrassed. See? We gotta start with our feelings about something. So that we can get to the next part, which is like, okay. Well, what's going on for you in this situation in which you haven't used your words, but you really kinda need to.
It's really, really important. Words go here. They go everywhere. I know. It's so much talking.
But you have to know, like, what's happening for you? Well, what's happening for you is you're going to work every day and then you're becoming overwhelmed by another person who's kinda like in your lane. That's what's happening you. And it's frustrated, it's confusing, it's totally overwhelming, and it's causing you a lot of stress. And so are you triggered?
Yeah. Of course. We get triggered all the time, all day long. Everywhere we go, we can't afford weed. Being, like, quote unquote, triggered.
What does triggered mean? Well, it just means, like and now we're all in this, like, heightened emotional state about things. Which is so annoying because it's just a little work problem. Isn't it? Yeah.
But that's what being human is. It means like we feel everything on a really deep level, and that is totally appropriate. But words go here. Words go here. We have to understand that we can let people know what we're feeling.
We can let people know what's happening for us. So in this, like, little work scenario that I set up, it's like, hey, so listen. You it seems like you're you're touching base with me a lot about my work and I gotta tell you it's kinda distracting and it's a little bit overwhelming because I'm at actually, like, kinda in it, just trying to get stuff done. And so, like, is there a different way that we can communicate about things? Right?
There's all words that go here. It's not I call in sick or whatever, whatever. Right? If you're if you're all of a sudden, you've got too much work on your plate, there's words that go here. You set up a meeting.
With your supervisor and you say, hey, I'm having some feelings about the fact that my job all of a sudden is way bigger than what I signed up for. You just let them know what's happening for you and say, hey, what's going on with that? So you could stop right there. That's enough words. Just expressing yourself about any old situation in any old capacity is great practice.
And here's the little tip for you. You're gonna f it up. You're gonna say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person and it's okay. Just circle back and say, I said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the same time or at the wrong time. This is what I wanna say instead.
Or can I have a do over? Or I got a little overwhelmed. Can we try that again? Yeah. You can always circle back.
Okay? So express your self. Words go there. Let me know how it works out. You can stop right there.
At expressing yourself. You've done what you needed to do. You will have achieved authenticity. You will have achieved hopefully just little bit more connection with another human being. Like, they're gonna know what's up with you.
And if you want to be in relationships and you are unwilling to talk about the relationship or what's up with you or how you feel or what's happening for you. My friend, you're going to be disappointed because it probably won't go in the direction you want it to go in. So express yourself. Words go there. You can stop at just saying what's happening for you or you can take the bonus step of assessing what you need and asking for that.
Right? Like, I would love to address the fact that my job description seems way more intricate than it was, you know, told to me I would like to sit down. I would like to talk about what my duties are and figure out if I have the capacity to do them all. Like, I would like this to be a collaborative process That's one way that we can just put words there. Like, something's happening for me and I need to talk about it.
It's just a little example. But first, you have to figure out what's happening for me and what do I need. You don't always have to know what you need. But it's good to just stay in touch with yourself, be present with yourself, and talk about what's happening for you. No one has to fix it for you.
That is no one's responsibility, but yours. And you can tell people that. Right? If you have a fixer, we all have this person. It's like, oh my gosh.
You have feelings? Oh my god. What are we gonna do about these feelings? We have to help you get rid of these feelings. You can be like, no.
No. No. No. No. I have feelings.
I'm just telling you my feelings. There's nothing that you have to do about them. I'm just being present in this relationship and I'm showing up and I'm putting words here because I think they need to be here. Lots of interesting things happen in relationships when the words are not there. You hear about a lot in therapy, I hope this episode has helped you to understand that you have the capacity to speak about difficult stuff.
If you have any questions, get in touch with me. Reach out. Check out my website. It's takeouttherapy dot com. There's lots of opportunities to get some free resources to listen or search for podcast episodes on things you're struggling with.
I have my membership, that's a little monthly club, that's cheesy, cheap way to do your personal growth work month by month by month. Let's stay in touch. I'll see you again soon. There are roots that go there. Just use them, and our lives will become so much more clear.
Okay. I'll see you soon.
